Premier League to vote on 10 other new rules that definitely aren’t just about Newcastle United (satire)

The Premier League are impressively bursting into action.

After so many years of not caring who does what, they are suddenly, for some reason… desperate to do the right thing.

The Premier League going all out to ensure that no club gets any kind of unfair advantage.

We have already seen this with the emergency vote to take place this month, banning Newcastle United, sorry, any Premier League club, from bringing in any loan signings from other clubs their owners might have an interest in, in Saudi Arabia, sorry, in any other country.

On the back of this, I have been passed some confidential documents showing that Man U, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea, Man City and Spurs, sorry… the Premier League, have came up with a whole list of further new rules to stop Newcastle United, sorry… any Premier League club, from getting an unfair advantage.

Emergency Premier League rules to be voted on to prevent unfair advantage

Any Premier League club situated within one mile of a river, ten points deducted.

Any Premier League club that has failed to release an official statement this season claiming corrupt referees and VAR, lose ten points.

Any Premier League with an attractive city centre location, deduct 10 points (Tottenham and Villa to get bonus 10 points as located in absolute dumps).

Any Premier League club that has nearby pubs which allow away fans in, a point deducted for each of these pubs within a one mile radius.

Any Premier League club where most fans are local and live within 15 miles of their stadium, lose ten points (ten bonus points added for those where majority travel from more than 15 miles away).

Any Premier League club to have been in the Championship the previous 15 seasons, lose ten points for each season outside the top flight.

Any Premier League club with a manager who has failed to throw all the toys out of his pram when a decision went against him this season, lose ten points.

Any Premier League club with a player who is banned for the rest of the season due to breaking betting rules, it is a losing bet, deduct ten points.

Any Premier League club (unless they are Chelsea, because… they are Chelsea) that has had a takeover since summer 2021 will lose ten points.

Any Premier League club getting ideas above their station, thinking they can compete with the self-appointed elite, deduct fifty points.