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Opinion

The Newcastle United Takeover : A Modern Fantasy Story

6 months ago
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All my life I have struggled, in vain, against a most cruel disease or malady of the mind, if you will.

It has been something I have wrestled against to no avail and, thus, I feel the time has arrived for me to come out and face my demons, eye-to-eye.

I am, I hate to admit, through gritted teeth and trembling bottom lip, an interminable fantasist, a day dreamer, a romantic idealist. I’m not only in cloud cuckoo land but have a permanent suite there and, like the Cheers bar, everybody knows my name.

With everything which has happened to my beloved club through the Mike Ashley years and, now, in the wider footballing world with the attempted formulation of the European Greed League, I find myself scurrying back to the land of make-believe.

A world where it is possible to be a happy and content Toon fan (as unbelievable as that sounds!).

So please allow me to throw open the window of my mental disorder and share a picture of what could be.

Please see before you a Newcastle United in the year of 2030.

It has been nine years since our Saudi overlords rescued our club with a Newcastle United takeover from the greasy hands of a ruthless and rotund man of immense avarice, whose name we don’t speak of in these parts any more.

Quickly realising that this circular man of questionable character has sold off much of St James Park for his own personal gain, our saviours made the difficult decision to move up the road to Leazes Park as expansion at our spiritual home had been rendered all but impossible.

Thus ‘Stadium Newcastle United’ was born and raised and what a stadium it is! An 80,000 attendance holding behemoth, with safe standing encircling the pitch and £5 ticket sections allowing all the fans, not just the privileged, to pay homage to their beloved team.

With the Metro line being extended by one stop and a massive underground car park being constructed, everything was well planned and carried out. The massive blue star on its black and white striped shell shines across the Newcastle skyline and can be seen as far away as Sunderland, in which envy has further mutated the mackems into an even more depraved species.

What has become of St James Park you may ask?

Well, if you peer in yonder direction you will now see a well maintained park, with ample leisure activities, a veritable green oasis in the heart of a bustling, urban scene. It also marks the start of the Gallowgate Way, a walkway in which fans can make the pilgrimage up to our new home, adorned by numerous sculptures of our heroes from bygone times.

Our academy system is one unrivalled throughout the footballing world. With our Newcastle United takeover masters and saviours funding new facilities for all the youth teams in our area and providing world class training to their coaches, we now have a constant stream of top class players coming into the best youth system in world football, the Newcastle United Academy of Excellence.

Such is the abundance of exciting young local talent being brought into the team, the clamour for buying top players has somewhat died down in recent years. Needless to say, once these young gentlemen reach the promised land of the first team, they are well looked after and trained to their full potential in the envy of the footballing world, the Newcastle United Centre of Excellence.

With that, through fear of going to the point of no return, I’ll abruptly close the window and draw the curtains before I start giving a rambling tour on how the city, airport, foodbanks, community centres, hospitals and local charities have all flourished through the years.

I end by apologising to anyone who witnessed my psychological issues become manifest and by reaching out and asking if there’s anyone out there who suffers from similar delusions?

If so, what do you see when thinking about the Newcastle United of 2030…?

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