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New Premier League rules coming in…(***Satire)

8 months ago

Talksport’s Jim White recently asked if watching football makes lockdown more bearable.

My response is no, it has made lockdown more miserable. That’s because I’m a Newcastle fan.

However, watching a lot of football has made me realise that “The Beautiful Game” could be improved in many constructive ways to make it a better television spectacle.

I shall therefore be writing to the Premier League with the following recommendations for them to introduce changes:

The Middle Of the Pitch

Nothing happens in the central third of a football pitch. If you are Newcastle, it is the area where you have no control of the ball.

A smaller pitch also means unfit Toon players don’t have to cover so much ground. I therefore propose that all football pitches are reduced in size by 33%.

Roll On Roll Off

Any player who is injured at the sideline and then rolls back onto the pitch to get treatment, can be rolled off again by the referee. I would love to see this.

Playing Out From The Back

Playing out from the back is boring and, if you are Newcastle, potentially fatal. It generally involves defenders passing sideways before having the ball taken off them by the opposition. Even teams like Arsenal are hopeless at passing out from the back.

I shall be asking for a new rule which dictates that the keeper must always kick the ball as far as the halfway line. If not, the opposition get a corner. Or something.

Players Award

This is a more general rule, although Miggy may fall foul of it.

Any player who goes down after a light tackle and starts screaming shall receive a round of applause from both teams and then be presented with the smallest trophy in the world (a gold painted Subbuteo figure) by the referee.

Haircut Fines

Apart from terrible games, overpaid players and Jamie Carragher, bad haircuts are the biggest curse of football. This must be punished.

Referees will have the power to issue discount cards for a local hairdressing salon. The third referee will cut off man buns when checking a substitute’s boots.

All beards must be attached to head hair by a suitable sideburn or, as we used to call them, sideboards. Gaps between the two will be unlawful. Any mop of hair unsupported by a sideboard, Jamal, will become known as a ‘hair hat’.

Club Poet

Post-Match interviews are hampered by cliche and a general disregard for the English language.

Steve Bruce appears to pick random words out of the air and then hope they magically fit together.

So we will introduce Premier League Club Poets to prepare a verse for managers to read out. For example,

“Look upon these tactics and despair

Our men display no guts nor flair

A point is all we sought today

Yet, once more, we lost away”

Additional Sound Effects Packages

At the moment we have a choice of artificially created crowd noise, which plays in a cheer three minutes after a team scores, or no crowd noise.

I am demanding additional sound packages, to include:

(a) lively ska music to cheer up a dull game

(b) silent comedy wheels falling off music to accompany NUFC games, and

(c) relaxing yoga spa gong effects to help reduce anxiety and stress.

Finally, why does Jim White always sound as if he is shouting at listeners from inside a shipping container?


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