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Opinion

What you need to be the next Newcastle United Manager – Job specification for Steve Bruce replacement

6 months ago
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The next three fixtures are going to be crucial in deciding what kind of season Newcastle United have.

Will we have anything to look forward to in 2021, or will it be just another grim battle for survival?

If things go badly, and particularly if we fail to beat Sheffield United, the powers that be will have a decision to make regarding Steve Bruce.

Do they continue to back him, as they did with Steve McClaren, hoping he can oversee an improvement in performances and results, or do they look for a new Newcastle United Manager?

The problem is, that for a gambler, Mike Ashley doesn’t have a very good record on picking winners when it comes to managers, and let’s face it, managing Newcastle United is no longer a particularly attractive proposition.

Any incoming Newcastle United Manager will have to deal with an ageing first team squad, an academy that has a poor record of producing players for the first team, substandard training facilities, plus having to work for Mike Ashley and his minions.

I imagine the Newcastle United Manager job specification under Mike Ashley would go something like this.

Essential Qualities

Communication skills

Some football clubs like to be open and honest in their communications but here at Newcastle United we like to do things differently. We believe an ability to talk bullsh.t is essential for this job (For some examples of what we mean look up the public pronouncements or the press conferences of Lee Charnley, Steve Bruce, Joe Kinnear and Alan Pardew).

Understanding your role

We believe that it is important that any Newcastle United Manager knows their place and doesn’t get involved with things that don’t concern them, such as the state of our training facilities, the future direction of the club etc.

Loyalty

Here at Newcastle United we value loyalty.

Any manager should understand that loyalty to the owner is paramount, which means towing the party line and never criticising the owner.

Passing the buck

One example of towing the party line is knowing who to pass the buck to when there are complaints about the team or the club in general.

We believe that when things are going badly the following should take the blame – the fans with their unrealistic expectations, the press with their biased agenda, then bad luck.

Preferable but not essential

Coming from London

Coming from London is not essential for this job but it would be definitely be advantageous, as you would speak the same language as the owner and his advisors.

No recent / any experience of success

At most Premier League clubs they like to employ people who have a recent history of being successful at other clubs. However, here at Newcastle United we like to do things differently.

We find that people who were successful at their previous clubs have fixed ideas about the way things should be done, whereas we prefer managers who are willing to do things our way.

No recent experience of managing in the Premier League

We find that managers who are desperate to have another crack at managing in the Premier League are also far more amenable to our way of doing things.

Definitely not required

Ambition

Here at Newcastle, ambition is a bit of a dirty word, so if you see yourself as ambitious, then this probably isn’t the job for you.

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