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Steve Bruce fan letter retrieved from St James Park bin (Satire)

4 weeks ago
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Well, unbelievable stuff from Steve Bruce on Friday.

Not content with using every excuse in the book for the plight we find ourselves in, he actually had the gall to say that he has received “letters” from fans wishing him well and that he can hardly move for the post that he is receiving.

Hmmm, I’m not too sure who sends actual letters and not e-mails these days and the fact that “a pile” would arrive wishing him well…

Surely the pile that arrive that are then marked “DO NOT READ” from the poor fellow that screens the post at St James’ Park would fill an articulated lorry in comparison.

Having shamelessly scavenged through the bins at the ground today I can bring you one of those letters.

Dear Steve,

I’m a long time Newcastle United fan and I’m writing to offer my support for your continued great management of Newcastle United.

Firstly, please ignore your detractors, they don’t know what they are talking about and are in the minority. We have been terribly unlucky and the long runs of defeats are not your fault. We all hold you in highest regard due to the successes you have achieved during your managerial career thus far and the fact that you insist on not rocking the boat at the club does you credit.

From my point of view, your tactics are top notch and bamboozle the life out of me, so heaven knows how the opposition manage to figure it out, it must be some sort of witchcraft. There is no other explanation as to how this poor form has continued. It’s not a reflection on you or your staff. I’d point the blame at those pesky underperforming players who need to take a look at themselves. “Absolute sh.te” indeed.

Keep bashing away and the results will come. Your time at previous clubs shows that you have this in the bag and that you don’t walk away from a challenge by your own admission. Ok, I admit that walking away from Sheffield United, Wigan, Crystal Palace, Birmingham City, Wigan (again) Hull City and Sheffield Wednesday doesn’t look great but you’re here now so let’s make the best of it. It’s why that after numerous other phone calls, we gave you a bell for the job.

You know the score Steve, if results keep Newcastle United in the Premier League everything is hunky dory and you’ll get no hassle from me and Mike and looking at the table I can’t help but think everything is sound. A whole six points separate us from those damn teams below us that insist on making things difficult by picking up points to gnaw at our cushion. That’s hardly fair is it? If only there was a way of stopping other teams from getting points. Still, I’ll not over trouble you at this difficult time, I’m sure you’ve got it all figured it out.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter as I’m sure you are dedicating valuable time coming up with some other masterstroke of a tactic to flummox the opposition. I hope that we don’t do too well though as we wouldn’t want the likes of Manchester United sniffing around and I’d like to see you remain in charge and continue your sterling work.

Who knows, maybe a new contract could be the way forward. After all, me and Mike hate the idea that we may have to pay good money to take on someone else of your calibre.

Speak to you soon.

Kind Regards

Lee Charnley

PS: Please reinstate Joelinton to the starting line up please as I’m starting to take a bit of flak from “the man upstairs” if you know what I mean.

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