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Opinion

Mike Ashley carries out latest Steve Bruce six monthly appraisal (satire…)

1 day ago
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Mike Ashley appointed Steve Bruce as Newcastle United Head Coach on 17 July 2019.

We are now eighteen months down the line and Steve Bruce has taken charge of 67 Newcastle United matches, 55 in the Premier League and 12 in the domestic cups.

The last eight of those 67 NUFC matches has seen no wins, two cup exits and two points from a possible eighteen.

Steve Bruce calls it a work in progress and declares that change doesn’t happen overnight.

What does Mike Ashley think though?

I can’t reveal my sources but I have managed to get a copy of the latest six month Mike Ashley appraisal of his main man / patsy…

Dear Steve,

It’s that time of year again. The six month performance review.

I would like to sit down face to face but with present restrictions that’s not possible, so I thought I would drop you a line.

If you have any comments pass them to Lee, I’m a bit busy at present.

Let’s start with how you are doing against your main objectives. Remember those? Keep us in the Premiership and reach 40 points. Beating Rafa’s best haul of 45 points would be icing on the cake.

Well Steve, with 17 games gone you are on 19 points. Over 38 games that would suggest you will reach 42 points. So far so good. The only trouble Steve, is that Justin Barnes tells me that you’ve only picked up two points out of the last possible 18 and if this trend continues you would only add another measly seven points by season’s end. I know you’re not a numbers guy Steve but that would be 26 in total.

To meet the minimum target you need a point per game from the remaining 21. Pretty straightforward; that means you need at least three points from the January games and five from those in February. Please reassure me you’ll achieve these goals and, ideally, improve on them to make sure I’m not fretting later in the season. You know that I do not like to fret.

Word on the street is that Rafa would love to come back and show what he can do with the players at your disposal. That must be a big incentive for you to prove you are not the Brucosaurus everyone says you are. You did know that is your nickname in these parts?

By the way, Justin tells me you have spent mega bucks compared with Rafa and yet your teams have scored less and conceded more. I know; it’s work in progress.

The HR people tell me that I should cover your strengths and weaknesses; sorry, personal development needs.

The first point is a bit tricky for me but I guess I can say that everyone in the media likes you, despite an underwhelming management career.

What I really like about you is that you don’t see any of the problems at the club that your predecessors identified – E.G dilapidated training facilities and value of incoming transfers. I told you Joelinton would be a success.

And you seem to have made your mark with your post-match interviews. Apparently the fans now call these BRUCE’s EXCUSES. It’s catchy.

As to where you should improve, according to people in the know you are tactically useless, but at least you appear to be aware of this shortcoming.

I am also told that you have no idea about team selection or how to set the team up relative to the opposition. I’ll live with that me old mate as long as we get those 40 points. I guess you can’t all be Guardiolas.

Finally, there’s the any other comments box.

Not much else to add except to say that you are the most unpopular manager of the Premiership era along with your old Man U mate Steve McClaren. You didn’t think you could fool 52,000 Mags that you supported The Toon, did you? Good job they aren’t allowed in the stadium.

Certainly takes the heat off yours truly though.

Love
Mike

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