Newsletter

Get your daily update and weekly newsletter by signing up today!

Opinion

Newcastle United Fan Degree launched – Eight modules to pass before qualify as NUFC supporter (satire)

5 months ago
Share

Friday has seen the launch of the Newcastle United Fan Degree.

At one time, being born a Geordie and knowing how to get to St James Park was enough to qualify you as a supporter.

You could then enhance that by knowing which pit Alan Shoulder worked at the week before starting to play for Newcastle and how many different types of weed were growing in the open air Gallowgate toilets.

However, it is a very different world we live in now.

To coincide with the arrival of new owners, supporters will be now asked to hold the Newcastle United Fan Degree before they can qualify as a ‘proper’ NUFC supporter.

The degree can be studied for at any local (to Newcastle, not Riyadh) university and will also be available online.

The Newcastle United Fan Degree contains eight different modules that need to be passed to qualify, each module reflecting a different area of essential knowledge needed by a supporter in 2020.

All areas of expertise now deemed essential to be a fully clued up black and white.

The Newcastle United Fan Degree modules to be studied:

Accountancy

Whilst reading the Pink used to be essential, it is instead vital that any true Geordie will now be available to scan a balance sheet.

Football finance and studying / understanding the club accounts a key factor now.

Middle East Politics

Who would have thought it. That one day ignorance of who started the latest conflict / war in the Middle East, would see you called a mackem!

Newcastle fans now needing a grasp of at least the last 30 years of Middle East politics, though also preferable to have a decent overview back a couple of millenia.

Ethics

Who should and shouldn’t be allowed to own a football club.

Naturally this is a Newcastle United specific, not relevant to any other Premier League club. You might not have a vote in any of this (who owns NUFC)  but it is still your responsibility!

Media studies

At one time it was the Chronicle or nothing and that was the Geordie bible that you could trust in, every teatime.

Now though you have as many media sources as you can shake a stick at and this module helps you understand which ones you can believe / rely on (***Clue – Not very many).

International Law

These days it is not enough as a Newcastle fan to have a grasp of the likes of middle east politics, the ethics and the finances (accountancy).

Just in case Sky Sports stop you outside SJP, you need to be able to rationalise all of the arguments and factors, in terms of how the club is positioned in terms of international law. Ignorance is no defence!

Pandemic control

If a virus sweeps around the globe, what is your role as a football fan in dealing with it?

At one time the big health risk as a Newcastle fan was eating one of the pies at St James Park, or a burger outside, we now live in a very different world…

PR

It is a little bit like cheating becoming ‘simulation’ in today’s game.

Telling the truth occasionally would be nice but important for all Newcastle fans to be able to spot the odd bit of truth / transparency now from their club, the media and the football authorities. For ‘PR’ read ‘lies’…

Identity

Where were you when…show us your credentials.

As Newcastle United are now ‘guaranteed’ to win a trophy cabinet full of trophies, you now need to prove your credentials. This module will see you trace your family tree, then need to prove at least five generations of your family supported the Toon.

Share

If you would like to feature on The Mag, submit your article to [email protected]

Have your say

© 2020 The Mag. All Rights Reserved. Design & Build by Mediaworks