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Opinion

What has Mike Ashley ever done for us? (Prepared by the MASH PR Disinformation service) ***Satire

11 months ago
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Some Newcastle fans have asked the question; ‘What has Mike Ashley ever done for us?’

Typical of the modern day supporters with totally deluded mindsets, these Newcastle fans just don’t appreciate what they have got.

So in answer to the question of ‘What has Mike Ashley ever done for us?’ this has been prepared by the totally independent MASH PR Disinformation and Spin service.

A list of Mike Ashley’s top achievements at Newcastle United, so far:

Newcastle have won two trophies, the first of which was in only Mike’s third season after buying the club.

Gives fans additional benefits by reminding them every home match, where to get the best bargains in sportswear.

Helping to bring new amenities to Newcastle fans close to St James Park, by enabling the development of land close by, to provide hotels for supporters to stay in etc etc.

Has taken Newcastle twice to Wembley, on 9 May 2018 and 2 February 2019.

Convinced top class manager Rafa Benitez to sign a three year contract even though in the Championship.

So impressed by Mike’s long-term plan and desire to bring success to the club, an average of over 51,000 turned up every game to back the NUFC owner and show their support to him, even when playing in the Championship.

Gave the fans St James Park back, ending the idea of having a (non-paying) sponsor’s name instead.

Six FA Cup successes in only 12 seasons in charge, going out in the third round the other six times, as opposed to the fourth round.

To please the fans, has employed club legends Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan as manager.

Increased by over 1,000,000% the amount Sports Direct pay for worldwide promotion/advertising via NUFC (from £0 for a decade to £1m per season).

Kept the unspoilt charm and homeliness of the NUFC training ground, including retaining the unique water therapy facilities (***only available for outside use in the summer as wheelie bin ice baths and kiddie’s paddling pool hydrotherapy not ideal in winter), as compared to these vulgar state of the art modern training complexes that other club are going for.

Has broken the club record transfer twice in the past 11 months.

Provided Premier League football in vast majority of seasons (11 of 13 so far).

Minimised costs for fans by ensuring as few expensive extra cup games as possible, as well as no extra spending needed on passports, apart from that one unfortunate accident when qualifying to play in Europa League in 2012/13.

Extra space provided for many fans at St James Park this season by successfully reducing crowds.

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