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Opinion

Steve Bruce goes public with latest work of fiction after speaking to Lee Charnley (Satire)

2 years ago
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Lee Charnley had been told by the big boss that he needed to ‘have a word’ with Steve Bruce.

When he walked into the manager’s office.

Steve Bruce was sitting at his desk scribbling something on a note pad.

Lee Charnley curious…

“So are you working on your tactics Steve?”

Steve looked puzzled.

“Tactics?”

“Yeah you do know what tactics are don’t you Steve?”

“Of course, they’re those minty things you get in plastic boxes…Nah what I’m working on Lee is my latest work of fiction.”

“Oh you mean your speech for your next press conference.”

“Nah this is an actual work of fiction Lee. What you might not realise Lee, is that as well as being an extremely talented football manager, I’m also a published author and I’m working on my follow up to Defender, Sweeper and Striker.”

“I’ve never heard of any of those books.”

“That’s cause you won’t find my books in any book shops cause most book shops don’t know what great writing looks like. If you want to find my books you’ve gotta look on the internet.”

“So what’s your latest book going to be called Steve?”

“Winger.”

“Winger?”

“Yeah cause it’s another position on the football pitch just like Striker and Defender and Sweeper and I’ve also called it Winger because I’m really good at winging it.”

“So what’s Winger going to be about?”

“Here, you can read some of it if you want.”

Steve passed the notepad to Lee and he began to read the first chapter.

‘Steve Barnes, the exceptionally talented and modest football manager and part time sleuth, had come across another mystery. Why had thousands of spectators gone missing from St James Park? He was determined to find out what was really going on.

Whilst he was sat at his desk deep in thought there was a knock on the door. It was Penfold. Penfold was Big Mike’s gofer and unlike Steve, who was a fine figure of a man, he was a small, geeky-looking individual with a round tummy and glasses.

He asked Steve in his squeaky little voice what he was doing and he explained to Penfold that he was trying to solve the mystery of all the missing spectators.

“Oh that’s no mystery Steve. The reason all those fans have gone missing is because the team is cr.p, you’re clueless and match days at St James’ are about as exciting to watching paint drying.”

Steve thought this was typical of Penfold. Coming up with some simple explanation when things were a lot more complicated than that. There were clearly some dark forces at work here.

In fact he couldn’t help thinking that the previous manager, the shifty Spaniard, was somehow to blame for all of this. It might take him some time but he was determined to find out what was really going on.’

Lee finished reading and looked up at Steve.

“So what do you think of it Lee?”

“It’s very err interesting and the Steve Barnes character does seem to be a lot like you Steve but who I don’t know who that Penfold character is based on cause he seems like a real geek.”

“Oh I don’t know Lee he just kind of came to me one day.”

“So do you know what the rest of the book is going to be about Steve?”

“Yeah I’m going to do one chapter on the mystery of the missing goals.”

“And what is the solution to that particular mystery?”

“Well I think some dark forces might have secretly shrunk the goals or put a force field around them so the ball won’t go in the net and I’m going to do another chapter about how the ace Brazilian striker Joelinton has been replaced by a doppelganger, Joe Linton, who hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing on a football pitch.”

Lee Smiled. They definitely had got the right man for the job.

Steve might not be a great manager or a talented author but he was a champion bull-shi..er, so he’d fit right in at Sports Direct at St. James Park.

(Steve Bruce’s ‘Striker’, ‘Sweeper’ and ‘Defender’ are not available from all good book shops.)

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