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Opinion

The 500 word edition of new Michael Owen book for busy people

3 weeks ago
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Michael Owen has made headlines yet again this week.

The self-proclaimed all-time great has wowed the public with tedious revelations from his (latest) autobiography.

For those that are struggling to catch up with all the (not so) stunning tales of making lots of money, here we offer a very quick catch-up.

The 500 word Michael Owen pocket book autobiography edition for busy people:

‘My name is Michael Owen.

I’m an Everton fan and achieved my dream when I signed for the greatest club in the World – Liverpool.

I loved it at Liverpool but then found out if I ran down my contract they’d have to sell me on the cheap (£8m), so I’d get loads more wages because of what the biggest club in the World – Real Madrid – had saved on the transfer fee.

I didn’t realise Real Madrid was quite so Spanish, so I wanted to come home.

I told Liverpool I would do them a favour and come back but bizarrely they weren’t willing to pay twice as much as they sold me for 12 months later.

I did Newcastle a big favour then by signing for them, they insisted I had to be paid £120,000 a week. Happy to say I hated everything about the place and the people but no way I was going to leave and miss out on £20m in wages.

It cost them Geordies around £40m altogether but I did start 58 Premier League games in four years, when I took the odd bit of time off from my horses and flying around in my helicopter.

I didn’t like it when that Shearer bloke came in though, he kept going on about me playing some games and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I bet he feels embarrassed now about the way he went on, at the time he just couldn’t get it into his thick Geordie head that there was no way I could risk playing, not when there was any chance of getting injured and signing for the biggest club in the World, Manchester United, especially when as a free agent I could get cracking wages.

Anyway, it all turned out great, I got a move to the club I have always loved and even better they only made me start six Premier League matches in my three years, meaning I could sit on the bench and check out the horseracing results. I did hear something about Newcastle might have got relegated but not really sure about that, after that last kickabout at Villa Park I just got in my car.

I loved my time not playing at Old Trafford and then I got a similar offer at somewhere called Stoke.

It was even better playing for this greatest club in the World, they didn’t even expect me to get off the bench very often, no Premier league starts and only 93 minutes on the pitch, what a perfect result.

I was the greatest England player ever but my last game came when I was 27, they must have lost my phone number.

People say everybody hates me and I have no friends, that the fans of every club I played for hate me.

That is a massive lie, I did have a friend once, when I was seven, for a day.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed earning money for nothing.

The End.’

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