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Sports Direct FC 2031/32 Season Review

1 month ago
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Sports Direct and Newcastle United have become inextricably linked thanks to Mike Ashley.

Taking over NUFC in 2007, Ashley’s people told John Hall that he was buying the club in order to promote his retail empire around the world.

None of us at the time had any understanding of just how horrific that would be in reality.

Newcastle United absorbed into Sports Direct, with the sole aim for the club to try and stay in the Premier League at as cheap an outlay as possible, in order to increase the profile and profits of Mike Ashley’s retail empire.

Now in 2019 we understand far better, with an average of only £86,333 being paid by Sports Direct to Newcastle United each year for the massive promotion of the retail empire.

As a logical conclusion, ‘Ashley Here 4 Ever’ gives us an insight into how the future will look…

Sports Direct FC 2031/32 Season Review

June

Fan expectations are high following the promotion to the Premier League.

With Manchester City, Manchester United, Arsenal, Spurs, Liverpool and Chelsea joining the new European Super league there is great excitement and hope.

That with investment and ambition, a real push can be made to challenge for the club’s first domestic honour since 1955 and worries about a seventh relegation in the 24 year Ashley-owned era would be avoided.

July

No new signings are made and fans are getting anxious. The club just miss out on signing striker Wilf Thomas from Norwich who chooses instead to sign for Bristol City. The club just couldn’t get the deal over the line with the player stating he much preferred Bristol as he saw them as a more ambitious club.

Lee Charnley breaks his silence and explains that due to recent relegations there would be “No capital outlay” on players and that any player that does sign has to meet the criteria of being younger than 24 and with added sell-on value.

August

The new home kit is released.

The Blue and Red striped number has proved popular with the 20,000 fans who continue to sell out the reduced capacity Sports Direct Arena every week.

Mike Ashley conducts a rare interview with the Online Mail. He promises that “every last penny” from kit sales will be made available to player-manager Sean Longstaff to strengthen the team. The 24th season of the Mike Ashley era gets off on a high with a 1-0 win against last season’s League Cup winners Burnley.

September

The good start doesn’t last long as the opening win is followed by consecutive defeats to Aston Villa, Leeds and West Ham. Off the pitch there are calls for fans to boycott the upcoming game against Sheffield Wednesday.

The NUST plead for some dialogue with the club and the “Newcastle: Reclaim the name” campaign has received a lot of attention on social media. The club reply “No comment”.

October

Wins against Birmingham and Crystal Palace settle fan nerves before a hard fought goalless draw in front of 70,000 at the Everton stadium lead many pundits to comment that Sports Direct FC have finally turned their season around.

Local conference side Newcastle Magpies, a club set up by disgruntled Newcastle United fans in 2022, learn that they will face their day in court with SDFC owner Mike Ashley for their use of the name “Newcastle”.

November

“12 in a row. You’ll never sing that” echoes around the Sports Direct Arena as Sunderland fans mock their rivals.

Mike Ashley is there to witness the defeat and hears first hand the away fans singing his name. “There’s only one Mike Ashley”.

In the matchday programme Lee Charnley promises that communication at the club will improve and that there will be a regular fans forum at least once a season and statements will be made to the club’s official media partner Chronicle Online every three months.

December

Fans may finally get their wish and an early Christmas present as Mike Ashley tells Sky News he is in talks to sell the club to an unnamed businessman. He promises that any takeover will not affect the club’s ability to make signings in the upcoming transfer window.

January

SDFC go out of the FA Cup at the Third round for the 12th successive year of asking. MD Lee Charnley explains to fans that the Premier League survival must be a priority and that the club cannot be expected to compete in the cups.

Star player Mitch Keane is sold to West Brom but is not replaced. No new signings arrive at all during the transfer window and manager Longstaff knows that the squad he has got will have to make do to ensure survival.

February

An injury crisis rocks the team but suggestions that injuries are linked to the clubs antiquated training facilities are rubbished by club insiders.

Without a recognised left back on the books, Longstaff is forced to play academy trainee right back David Taylor out of position for his debut against Wolves. The youngster acquits himself well but cannot prevent the team going down 4-0 to title contenders Wolves.

There is more embarrassment off the pitch as the club miss out to Sunderland for the right to host world cup games. World Cup Organisers comment that “Newcastle is a beautiful city but the Sunderland board just wanted it more.”

March

A planned boycott of the Leicester game is unsuccessful. Fans are warned that any boycott might affect the potential takeover and should instead “Support the team not the regime”.

So 20,000 sit in silence as Leicester beat SD 6-0 at home, the heaviest defeat of the season. A fortunate 1-1 draw at the Nissan Stadium of Light prevents SD losing a 13th consecutive game to their local rivals.

April

Sports Direct FC are relegated with 5 games to go.

Mike Ashley goes on record to state that due to relegation, the proposed takeover is off and the club must learn to live within it means.

As such the club announce that from the 2035 season they will play their games at the 15,000 capacity Sports Direct Bowl in Shirebrook.

MD Lee Charnley says “This is an exciting time for the club. We believe a move to Shirebrook will help us attract the best young players across Europe and further the club’s development.”

Some fans are excited by the proposal stating: “I can’t miss out on seeing my mates at the weekend – this is brilliant as every home game will be like an away game.”

The NUST show their militant side and create a petition for fans to sign and object to the proposal.

May

The season ends with Wolves as champions, Middlesbrough as FA cup winners and SDFC bottom of the league.

Just after the season ends, news is released of the death of Mike Ashley from a massive heart attack. His son in law Michael Murray picks up the reins at the Sports Direct Bowl. “Lessons have been learned” he reassures fans, “Don’t worry, we are here forever.”

The slow death of Newcastle United started in 2007 when Mike Ashley bought the club to promote his sports business. By May 2032 there was nothing left.

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