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Opinion

Mike Ashley and Lee Charnley present ‘It’ll Be Alright On The Night’

4 months ago
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Mike Ashley and Lee Charnley may be accused of a lot of things.

However, one accusation can’t be levelled at them.

The Newcastle United owner and his lackey, as well as other Ashley minions, have proved themselves to be fearless innovators.

Not afraid to go where everybody else fears to tread

Their previous imaginative innovations may have produced ‘mixed’ results but that hasn’t deterred them. After all, you can’t keep a good man (or Mike Ashley) down.

Only buying/signing older players (Sam Allardyce transfer window).

Only buying French players.

Only buying young players.

Buying nobody at all for 18 months (January 2013 – summer 2014).

Giving the manager/head coach no say on anything important (Pardew, Carver, McClaren).

Lying to the manager that they had control of transfers (Kevin Keegan).

Telling a manager they had free rein on who they bought, only to then explain that this was actually any player from Ashley’s approved list (Rafa Benitez).

As I say, mixed results…these last 11 years producing ‘only’ two relegations, two seasons in the Championship, at least four other relegation fights, one which went down to the last away game (QPR in May 2013) and another to the very final match (West Ham in May 2015).

The trouble is, when you have gone through so many innovative ideas that nobody else had thought of (or were stupid enough to replicate), t is a struggle to come up with anything new, fresh and exciting.

However, at a high level brainstorming session in London after binning off Rafa Benitez in mid-May, Mike Ashley and Lee Charnley came up with their latest stunning new plan.

After the NUFC owner had schooled his sycophantic sidekick in the art of vomiting into the pub fireplace, they managed to get this detailed new innovative plan down on the back of a beermat.

They entitled it: ‘It’ll Be Alright On The Night’, which for convenience they have also been referring to as operation ‘Do Nothing’…

This pooled together the combined skills of the useless and malevolent pair, a project that has their name written all over it.

So here we are, 71 days after the 2018/19 season has finished and Mike Ashley and Lee Charnley have shown amazing discipline and commitment in sticking to the plan.

Absolutely nothing has been done to help prepare this football club for the challenges of the upcoming season.

Allowing the top class manager to leave, the top goalscorer, the player of the year and a handful of other players, takes no effort at all. Actually, you just need to sit back and let it all happen.

After pretending to look for a credible managerial replacement for Rafa Benitez (media claiming Lee Charnley had been scouring Europe for a top manager), Mike Ashley and Lee Charnley then revealed their first choice all along, somebody who was ideal and desperate enough to fit in with operation ‘Do Nothing’…

Or to be fair, operation ‘Do Nothing (until it is absolutely necessary)’

We can now look forward to this exciting new football variation of ‘It’ll be alright on the night’, which will be screened at 2pm on Sunday 11 August. It makes it extra quirky being broadcast on an afternoon rather than night.

So when Newcastle meet Arsenal in 20 days time it will be an exciting day for sure, just what will happen when you leave it to the very last minute to sign a couple of players in these final 17 days of the transfer window, add them to a weak squad with pretty much zero pre-season with their new teammates, under the direction of the latest patsy who has the second worst Premier League record of all managers to take charge of 250+ PL matches (28% win ratio).

No time for editing, this will be totally live, in front of an audience including many thousands of empty seats and a worldwide TV audience looking at Mike Ashley’s giant SD adverts.

What could possibly go wrong?

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