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Opinion

Newcastle United Manager job specification leaked ahead of interviews

2 years ago
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The question of will be the next Newcastle United Manager is gripping the Geordie nation.

Mike Ashley set to take the club in an exciting new direction.

The NUFC owner currently making the tricky decision of which cliff edge to drive Newcastle United off this time.

So which (underqualified, out of work) respected candidate (stooge/patsy/lackey) will Mike Ashley identify?

Mag writer/secret agent Meer Kat has managed to get hold of a copy of the new Newcastle United Manager job specification, whilst Lee Charnley was busy counting paper clips.

One senior position, either manager or chief coach, to be decided at interview.

Essential:

Must be out of work as compensation is not available under any circumstance.

No personal or team ambition beyond the required minimum of survival.

Ability to cope on low budgets and produce for annual sale, profitable players (bonuses await).

Communication with press limited to allowable footballing only statements.

Transfers in line with club ambitions and to be signed off by Mr Barnes and Mr Charnley, preferably near to the end of the transfer window to minimise wage wastage.

Must demonstrate a good level of bullsh.. catchphrases for press purposes.

Must adhere to club position of not engaging with supporters and reiterating agreed statements passed by Mr Barnes as suitable.

Accept takeover talk during all transfer windows.

Preferable:

Some coaching or managing ability

Ability to write or draw on a piece of paper if match is not going to plan.

Catchy reaction or dance in the unlikely situation of a team goal.

An excuse book of one hundred pages, though eighty plus may be acceptable depending on quality.

Make sure at every opportunity that a Sports Direct banner is part of a TV interview backdrop.

Praise the owner at every given opportunity (bonuses await).

Flag up to the media negative chants from fans as reasons for difficulty.

Blame previous manager for raising expectations beyond reason for a club of such small stature. IE How difficult it is to compete with newly promoted clubs.

Please bring to interview something to kneel on as you plead your case and as this is out to tender, remember the cheapest candidate will be in an advantageous position. Lunch will be provided from a renowned pizza establishment in your honour – somewhere the players are familiar with and the owner is a known diner. Transport will be provided but only from the Central Station, please text us once you have arrived. Overnight accommodation is at the interviewee’s discretion and we will meet 50% of the bill if you can prove there was nowhere cheaper.

Please apply to:

Budget Manager Aquisitions

St James Park

Newcastle Upon Tyne

NE1 w1ll do

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