Lee Charnley is the only Director on the board at Newcastle United.

Lee Charnley is the only senior executive that is named working at Newcastle United.

So what do we know about Newcastle United’s main, and only, man away from the playing side?

Jonathan Drape-Comyn has had a look at Lee’s latest diary entry…

Dear Diary,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

As we move into the new year it is going to be a busy time for me.

Of course, I am busy every January signing players and trying to get a takeover completed for Newcastle United. This is the first time I am using my brand new diary that the missus got me for Crimbo. Thank you for all of the cards and kind messages. My favourite came from Mike, Keith and Justin who sent a joint card, as cards can of course be very expensive at Christmas time.

Last January I managed to outdo myself by bringing in a fine goalkeeper like Martin Dubravka. Remember, it was only 6 months ago that we splashed out a lot of money to sign him for £4 million pounds, one of the most expensive goalkeepers in the history of the club!

Martin has been brilliant since he signed and it would not surprise me if much bigger clubs like Brighton and Bournemouth were to take a look at him this month. Can we get £15 million for him? It will take some hard negotiating on my part but with cheap alternatives like Elliott, Woodman and Darlow waiting in the wings, it could be a good deal!

Some people don’t believe me at work, but I do have a computer and I do know how to work it, so from time to time I have a little read online by typing my name into google. I have duly noted some of the criticism I receive but if there is one thing that I can’t be criticised for, it is the amount of money the club has made from saleable assets during my time. From Andy Carroll to Yohan Cabaye in January, to Sissoko and Wijnaldum in the summer, I have helped to make the club lots of money.

Between you and me, I think Jamaal Lascelles is another one who I am sure the fans will be happy to see us make a big pile of cash from, especially considering I have brought in super cheap alternatives in Schar and Fernandez. He might not admit it but I think Rafa agrees with me too. If we can sell him for £30+ million, and then reinvest £10 million of that in a few loan signings, or a young player from France, then I think Rafa would be very happy indeed.

Some might say selling your captain is a bad idea, but from my footballing experience, we don’t believe captains are so important here at Newcastle United. Everyone should be a captain and we pay Rafa 6 million a year to sort that all out anyway. He’ll be fine.

Of course we will be looking to bring players in as we always do. I have spoken to my good friend Alan Pardew who has supplied me with a list of suitable left backs. It may be 4 pages long but that says it all about Alan. A well researched manager who it was a shame to lose. I still miss our weekly casino nights out.

Ki is going to the Asian cup, along with Muto, which is a fantastic opportunity for us to showcase our players to a massive audience in the far east. This will undoubtedly have huge benefits for the commercial side of the club which has improved so much under Mike… I think. With Mo Diame coming to his peak at 31, Jonjo Shelvey coming back to full fitness, and Isaac Hayden as happy as ever at the club, this is an area where I see no need for improvement.

Don’t forget as well that Sean Longstaff has recently come through our renowned academy, and if he puts in a few good performances, we may be able to flog him off to Liverpool for 35 million this time next year! That reminds me, I need to give Dave and Dave a call to see if we can get Andy back in on loan.

Fans were quick to be critical of our decision to make loan deals, but the form of Kenedy has shown that I was right not to let Rafa buy the player. I have given myself a nice pat on the back for that one. The same goes for Rondon, who we have managed to bring in for next to no money. When was the last time you could say Newcastle have brought in their number 9 on such a good cheap deal? I really don’t think we are getting enough credit here.

Nevertheless, I have been instructed by Mike to look for another centre forward in this January window. Having received around the best part of £30 million for Mitrovic, once you take into account the fact that Mike will take some money out of that having gave the club so much since he took over, that should leave around £12-15 million for a striker.

There are two players in the Championship that I really like the look of. The first is Kemar Roofe who has been scoring great goals at Leeds, but my eye is mainly focused on that Gayle lad who is at West Brom, I watched him score a hat-trick the other week, and I think he would fit in really well within our system.

Can we do a deal? Mike isn’t answering his phone at the moment but I am sure he will get back to me.

The missus is anbit worried about my own job, given the fact that there is a rumored takeover on the horizon. Little does she know though that there is no takeover. In fact there never was. I don’t know the details of ‘Keith’s idea’ which is what Mike calls it, but apparently the idea of creating takeover talk to quell fan unrest was all done in a week. Just like what Freddy and Sir John used to tell me, Geordies will believe anything you tell them, the fools.

So yes, for the minute, I will be staying here on my £150,000 a year job. A somewhat ‘cushty’ salary might I add. I have read a few bits on the internet of fans comparing my salary to that of other officials in similar positions at other Premier League clubs but I don’t mind how little I am paid.

I have to be honest, having watched the Man City documentary on Amazon, and the Sunderland documentary on Netflix, I don’t think I would want to work as hard as Al Mubarak and Martin Bain! They may have got more money than me, but hey, they do a lot more work for it. For the minute I am quite happy to play the messenger between Mike and Rafa, while Keith and Justin take care of the rest.

The last big job I have this month will be to have a word with Rafa about signing his new contract. The offer is there on the table, it’s big money, with a big project. He has been told by Mike that he will receive every penny the club generates and will have the final say on transfers. I know Mike has said this before, but do you know what, I really believe him this time and I think Rafa will too.

I look forward to catching up with everyone again at the FA Cup game against Blackburn this Saturday. In the past we have been criticised for fielding a weakened side in this competition. Luckily for us this year, we will be fielding a full strength team on Saturday. Is our full strength team a weak side anyway? Who knows.

Quite frankly, who really cares? I hear there is a Taco Bell opening in Newcastle soon…

Lee

You can follow the author on Twitter @JonathanComyn

To feature like Jonathan Drape-Comyn submit your article to [email protected] and/or for more info go here



  • Ba ba.

    😂 😂 Scarley true I bet

  • Kenny

    He`s scum.

  • Toontaff

    HMRC appointment pencilled in?

    • Peaky

      Like Pedro Titchmarsh that whole business has gone quiet…???

    • Leicester Mag

      That an appointment with big Garry at Franklin

  • DeadToiler

    More believable than Kenyon’s takeover bid.

  • Peaky

    The King Of The Village Idiots

    • Leicester Mag

      What with Pep McNugget, senile Joe and Carve up we’ve employed a town of deluded fookin idiots

  • Wezza

    Amusing article! Enjoyed it!
    I honestly don’t think anyone would want Lascelles he has been awful! Atsu on the other hand!

  • graham18

    He’s the FCB’s litttle puppet-a complete pr#ck like his boss

  • Loved that Casino night out with Alan ;)

  • Leazes.

    What do we really know about him Jonathan?

    I know he hides because he’s helped/helping Ashley to strip the club and made himself unavailable for comment since taking charge(sic) of the board room.

    I know he was born in 1977. Not in the Wirral but very probably in Exeter, Devon.

    To quote one newspaper….’he’s a man who has risen without trace’.

    He had a modest new build house in Swalwell, Gateshead when he joined the club under Russell Cushing and now lives in Gosforth.

    He’s not too keen on Gardening, but does have hanging baskets.

    He’s bald

    • KennyS

      So nice to see you back with your factual sarcasm.. missed it!!

    • Big Hairy Man

      Welcome back Leazes

      • Leazes.

        no need to shout.

  • Billmag

    Just some points Jonathan 1, has he actually got a Mrs, 2, did he get his computer back off HMRC, and 3, is he missing fatty’s hand up his backside.

    • Leazes.

      No

  • Superdooperhooper

    Charnley didn’t write that! He’s too busy with the colouring-in book ashley got him for Christmas

    • Big Hairy Man

      Along with crayons and a finger painting set.

  • KennyS

    Cheered me up this, then after 30 seconds reality set in.

  • toonterrier

    Why is the dikhead wearing a black tie with a smug smile on his ugly mug. Has he been celebrating the death of our football club or has Kenyon offered him the role of chairman with Llambias as his number two but then we all know that Llimparse smells like a number two.

  • Weyhhadaway

    There is only one job easier than Charnley’s and that is chief scout. Run around the world looking at players, making recommendations Day after day and you will never be wrong. Why? Because we won’t buy anyone so your picks can’t fail.

  • Sumit Sengupta

    Cheered me up even though full of grim realities. Thanks for this.

  • Colin Brumwell

    It would be even funnier if it wasnt true

  • Carl Marks

    JANUARY 1st
    lick Mike Ashley’s ar*e
    JANUARY 2nd
    lick Mike Ashley’s ar*e
    JANUARY 3rd
    lick Mike Ashley’s ar*e
    JANUARY 4th
    lick Mike Ashley’s ar*e
    JANUARY 5th
    phone in sick – citing over exertion at work
    1st FEBRUARY
    miraculous recovery,not related in anyway to the transfer window closing
    yesterday
    FEBRUARY 2nd
    lick Mike Ashley’s ar*e
    etc