Mike Ashley knows his business.  Hell, he’s the world’s number one expert on the subject.  It’s made him billions.

He knows how to wring out a brand, how to suck it dry, how to turn every ounce of goodwill into cash.  Trouble is, that’s all he knows, and I guess that’s why he’s started getting this twitch.  You might’ve seen it?  Up by his right eye?

Take Lonsdale.  That was a decent brand.  Used to mean something, born out of the sweat and blood of a thousand fighters.  But times change and there just weren’t that many people wanting to pay fifty quid for a grey sweatshirt.  Shame for Lonsdale but not for Mike.  He sniffed an opportunity, snapped it up, slapped Lonsdale’s logo all over his tatty gear and sold it off at a fiver a pop.  Bargain, everyone thinks.  Lonsdale for a fiver.  He sells thousands, millions, until gradually people realise, they’re only getting what they pay for.  Lonsdale doesn’t mean sh.. anymore.  The brand’s f…ed but Mike doesn’t care.  He’s laughing all the way to the bank.

You get a business as good as that, you keep it going.  Kangol, Dunlop, Slazenger.  Mike’s got so much cash he doesn’t know what to do with it.  So he buys this football club, way up north. Talk about branding, goodwill.  He’s hit the jackpot there.  Fans like you wouldn’t believe.  The faith of that lot, the love.  He gives them the usual budget cr.p, but they keep on coming, again and again. Granted, they give him an earful.  Moan and gripe more than my missus but they keep turning up.  And the cash keeps rolling in.

Of course there’s people telling him.  This is a different thing.  Owning a football club is about more than just the cash.  I mean, he’s got more than he’ll ever need.  So maybe now it’s time to aim higher.  Find some meaning, some love.  Mike doesn’t know what they’re on about.  He’s like a witch from a story, hunched over his cauldron, feeding in the goodwill, burning it up until all that’s left is ash, and loads and loads of lovely cash.

He’s laughing even louder, cackling now, all the way to the bank.

Except, suddenly he’s not.

Cos Mike’s got a new problem.  A conundrum you might say.  There’s this bloke, see.  I mean WTF.  Not only is he a bleedin foreigner, but Mike pays the guy’s wages, and he, the foreigner that is, starts trying to tell Mike Ashley what to do with his business.

So obviously, Mike’s not having that.

But then it gets kind of tricky, cos this foreigner, right, he knows his business too.  Top of his game, you might say, and he’s there in the football club building a load more goodwill. With this guy on board Mike can put ticket prices up, sh.., he can charge more for shirts than Man Utd.  He can keep that cauldron burning away and the cash rolling in even faster.

So okay, Mike thinks, maybe he has to put up with this guy?

But then it gets weirder, cos what the guy wants him to do is to stop sucking out all the cash.  Stop with the cauldron.  Stop burning up all the goodwill and actually give the punters something real.

You are having a laugh! Mike thinks.  I mean that’s the whole point of his life, get the goodwill in, burn it up, get the cash out.

But then Mike starts to understand.  He starts to see it, just there, in the corner of his eye.  And that is when he starts to get that twitch.  Cos maybe, Mike thinks, just maybe he could let this foreigner have his way.  He could stop feeding the cauldron, let those little shoots of hope sprout, let the belief grow and the dreams fly.  Maybe he could really build something.

Okay, the cash flow would drop off for a year or two, but the end result is he’d have this giant super-brand that he can sell off for a cool billion.

That really gets the twitch going.  Poor bugger’s shaking like a leaf.  You can see it in the ripples on his pint.

Cos he can see it.

We can all see it.

And hell, Mike wants it.  He wants it like he wants his beer, like he wants his silky white shirts and his kips under the table.  He wants the big prize and he wants the gamble too.

But he just can’t do it.

Cos poor old Mike is stuck in his ways.  His imagination just isn’t big enough.  He only knows how to play the one game and he’s surrounded by a load of yes-men with the same script.  Poor basta…  It’s breaking his heart.  There he is, hunched over his cauldron, burning up the love and the dreams, picking cash from the ash and the misery.  But now he’s crying too.  He’s crying cos some part of him knows what a prize pillock he is, wasting the best thing that’s ever fallen into his lap.  Turning down the chance to be a hero and make a billion.

That’s all he is now, a little gollum hunched over his cauldron with another bundle of fifties, twitching and crying, and puking into his fire.

So if you do see him, take pity on his miserable, shrunken soul.  Give him a quid.  Maybe buy the poor bast… a pint.

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  • Simon

    The twitching St. James’ Park Gollum. It’s a good call to arms/challenge for the fat bast……!

  • Paul Patterson

    ‘Sniff, sniff, poor little blighter’ 😥😥
    He’s a business gypsy. Wants everything for nowt or as little as possible and then when selling/flogging his wares, demands top dollar because he feels he is owed it and often gets it by intimidating tactics.

    • TheFatController

      Yes, imagine how difficult he finds it, usually it’s a receiver or businesses on their knees and he holds all the power …

      Then it’s Staveley, or American or Middle East billionaires, or Rafa and his representatives – powerful people independent and experienced enough to not be intimidated – must make his blood boil…

      He must have hated Staveley. He’d have been twitching like Herbert Lom with his French detective subordinate when he spoke to her ..

      Cluesooooooooooo!!!!

  • TheFatController

    Great article.

    I actually think he sometimes wants out, but can’t sell without making a profit – his departure being no doubt so high profile, and it might be the last time many people among the general public ever hear his name again.

    So he obviously can’t leave the casino without a pocketful of chips telling the world he played and won.

    So we’re stuck with him. Goals? Stay in the PL, keep SD profile up, hope it comes in black not red one season when a money no object buyer waves £380m at him…

    I used to love Dunlop Green Flash. I’ll offer good money for a retro pair. Size 10.

  • Leicester Mag

    The only quiver he gets is his sphincter when he sees a chance to make more money #Lascelleshelicopter

    • Paul Patterson

      🚁👋💰

  • Tony English

    …and the award for the best article of the year goes to…

    …congratulations.

  • Graeme Allon

    Quality article!

  • Geordiegiants

    I wished the fatcunt was twitching, just after being ran over by a train.

    • Kneebotherm8

      😂😂

    • MichaelMaximusMoose

      He`d twitch ok, when i`d be feeding the Fat Pig into a wood chipper humming the Blaydon Races

      • Kneebotherm8

        Aye there’d be a lot of smiling faces seein’ that…….

        • MichaelMaximusMoose

          Mugpie would be chief mourner though

          • Geordiegiants

            Ha ha, he is the only one I have blocked, he is a blatant nonce.

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            i don`t block him as i like a laugh, he`s not a full shilling

          • Geordiegiants

            Clarkos funny, mugpie is aprick.

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            Both crazy guys, the Mugpie needs a shrink

          • Geordiegiants

            Talking about crazy people, Leazes will have them down as the same person. I don’t think he is far off the mark mind.

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            Leazes isn`t daft but he`s an X Files guy,
            if you know what i mean

          • Kneebotherm8

            Aye……ya right there…….him’n a couple of other plebs on this site……

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            there`s a lot on here who wake up every morning and don`t know what day it is

          • Kneebotherm8

            You’re right……they’re Mugpies…….not Magpies…….it’s a good name for them……they treat Ashley like……..Mike the Messiah…….

          • Kneebotherm8

            You’re right……they’re Mugpies…….not Magpies…….it’s a good name for them……they treat Ashley like……..Mike the Messiah…….

    • paul mclaughlan

      Wouldn’t that be a waste of a good train?

  • TheNutJob

    i think his trainer socks are better than Primarks

    • Wor Lass

      The best form of defence, Nutty!

      • MichaelMaximusMoose

        he bought me some, but he didn`t say where he`s got them till i seen the receipt

        • Wor Lass

          It`s not often he can show a receipt after a shopping spree!

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            He has to when he`s shopping with my money,
            he`s along the Quayside having a drink,
            thank God for small mercies

          • Wor Lass

            So you`re admitting that you sent him out to buy Sh*te Direct socks with your money. Like Fagin in reverse!

    • Geordiegiants

      Wouldn’t buy them if they were the only socks in the world! I would rather go to the peado worshippers club shop and buy a pair of their strip socks.

      • MichaelMaximusMoose

        😂😂😂
        He`s out on the drink

        • Geordiegiants

          He must be permanently peevy going into those shitshops.

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺
            he won`t buy anything but trainer socks
            😂😂

          • Geordiegiants

            JJB!!!!!

          • Geordiegiants

            JJB!!!!!

    • Wor Lass

      Just got a natty set of 5 assorted colours from Lidl for 4.99 euros.

  • Wor Lass

    Great read! Leazes`ll be accusing you of being Simon van der Velde if you`re not careful. Oh! Hang on …..

    • Peaky

      Top form today Wor Lass…😂🤣😂

      • Wor Lass

        Likewise, matey!

    • MichaelMaximusMoose

      Leazes is MIA, Alien abduction is looking good
      😂😂
      👽

      • TheFatController

        ‘Tell me your surname, I’ll tell you what solar system it’s from …’ 👽

        • MichaelMaximusMoose

          That`ll be Leazes forte

      • Wor Lass

        I`ve intercepted an email from Brian Standen to the Japanese Sniper – nuff said!

        • Geordiegiants

          🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

          • Tony English

            I don’t get moron or idiot or clown, I get Clarko.
            That’s the worst.

        • MichaelMaximusMoose

          Leazes seems to have upset him, i took it as a compliment when he called me a Moron

          • Wor Lass

            I`ve only had “idiot” so far. If he sees my comment about Simon van der Velde I might graduate to moron.

          • MichaelMaximusMoose

            Nuts only at the idiot stage as well

          • paul mclaughlan

            I got “clown”.

          • Wor Lass

            He must like you.

    • paul mclaughlan

      Notice how Leazes and Simon never post at the same time?

      • Wor Lass

        Now that you mention it …

    • paul mclaughlan

      Notice how Leazes and Simon never post at the same time?

  • Peaky

    Isn’t it a little sexist the tv companies have been told to stop panning into all the attractive females at live games yet ladies are allowed to drool over Fatties mug above…..
    🐷🐷🐷
    😂😂😂

    • MichaelMaximusMoose

      Nothing like a Hot Brazilian, lass that is
      😳

      • Peaky

        😂😂
        Or Russians….

        • JonMag

          i`ll 2nd that

          • Jonas

            Many of us have probably been picked out by cameras, law of averages, know i have, and i wish they hadn’t, unless I’m on form like. So yeah,.maybe keep cameras on interesting things – noticed tennis is really cutting back and cutting to the crowd ar every.opp.

  • Ba ba.

    Great piece.. 👍

  • Jonas

    Good article, enjoyed it.

  • Jonas

    ….but having.said that,if i ever bumped into him I’d beat the living s**t out of him at the very least.

  • Kevtph

    Great work!!!

  • Taz

    I wouldn’t p1$5 on him if he was on fire

    • Superdooperhooper

      I’ve just made a comment which is far milder than yours and awaits moderation . Nuttier than a ton of squirrel [email protected] this site

      • Big Hairy Man

        Prepare for a long wait. I have comments awaiting moderation from weeks ago. I don’t think they even look at them.

      • FatParosite

        The moderation system is automated based on swear words… Be a little more imaginative when using them you Fùϛking ϛùñt ;-)

        • Superdooperhooper

          Thanks for the advice you fact hunt !

  • Peaco

    Why won’t the fat fncker just die

    • SuperDesHamilton

      We can only dream

    • Geordiegiants

      Hopefully he is dying a slow and painful death and that’s why he isn’t showing his fatfuckin face.

      • Garry Norman

        Classy

        • FatParosite

          More class than he deserves….

  • Tino11

    Leazes’ favourite authour!

    • Gallowgate Dave

      I’d always assumed he was a figment of Leazes fevered imagination too!

  • Brian Standen

    Leazes urinates in both pots. He stands loud and proud in slagging of those who attend yet openly admitted he has a season ticket! – you can’t make it up with him!

  • FatParosite

    Debenhams announce massive losses….. S*** Direct profits down… It couldn’t happen to nicer kernt.

    • drc74

      sports driect profits 150 mil, wonder where that came from, 🤔

      • FatParosite

        No SD profits only 77m… oh dear….

        • drc74

          ahhh, they first anounced 150 on bbc, mind u they did say his profit reporting is hard to figure out, only if we knew someone who could enlighten us, maybe someone who hangs around in lifts, :)