Get your daily update and weekly newsletter by signing up today!


How I think the final Premier League table will look – Using expertise, bias, and a small dose of reality

3 years ago

Being asked to write an ideal finishing Premier League table to the upcoming season is a bit of a tricky one. This considering my intense dislike of pretty much everyone and everything not in black and white.

Add to the fact that at Newcastle, our very own robbing swine is squeezing more coin out the club than the 24 hour Chinese mint – I’m not exactly convinced how sure I can comment with a clear mind on anything at the minute.

I could say Newcastle as Champions, clearly being the ideal end result, but I’d be put on a bus with flashing blue lights on the top and shoved in a jacket that fastened at the back!

Having won less than £100 on the lottery since 1995, or whenever the hell it started, I wouldn’t go backing myself as a pundit or predictor of any description. Nostradamus would spin in his grave and Mystic Meg would probably pi.. herself laughing into an early one if any claim made otherwise.

Tongue firmly in cheek, mouth cheek that is mind…take a pinch of salt from an increasingly salty git.

Starting at the rump end of the league.

20th Southampton

Can’t quite believe that they didn’t go down last season. Reasons to be relegated – Mark Hughes and it’s bloody miles away. Got nothing against Saints fans who have always seemed decent folk…but for their massive butt-head manager to relegate another red and shite striped team would be hilarious.

19th Cardiff

See above. Miles away and Neil Warnock is the Antichrist. Never forgiven for taking 24 hours to get out of there on a coach after getting humped by Man Utd 4-1 at the Millenium Stadium.

18th West Ham

Amusement level only.

I actually kind of like West ‘am and there is a bit of synergy – I’d just like to see the atomic mushroom cloud go off and thousands of fans pull the Olympic stadium to pieces whilst the dildo bros are choppered out.

17th Bournemouth

Could easily have hoyed them in the bottom three for mileage reasons and the fact they had a snidey-jammy win and came back to draw from two nowt down. Do like the manager though.

16th Huddersfield

Boiled my pi.. in the Championship, couldn’t really give a monkeys about them. Celebrity fan Sir Patrick Stewart almost swung pendulum to relegate.

15th Watford

Proper bogey team for us. Really I should relegate them. Tin pot and supported by Lovejoy. Why haven’t I relegated them?

14th Fulham

Could easily go down. Will be funny / depressing to see how Mitro gets on and how many Twitter meltdowns happen from our own fans.

13th NUFC

Christ knows where we will end up.

If it wasn’t for Rafa cellotaping together this broken club and creating a side out of nowt, we could easily be sniffing the whiff at the arse end. But like the A team locked in the back of a greengrocers knocking up a helicopter gunship – somehow Benitez just won’t let Ashley cripple the spirit.

12th Brighton

Have spent a few bucks, and having been within a couple if points of each other since our Pulp Fiction style Finale to the Championship, we will probably be in and around the same mark as them again. Non-offensive team. Chris Hughton is a major plus point. Proper class guy.

11th Palace

Probably should have stuck them way lower but already wrote the list and can’t be bothered to move them.

Decent atmosphere and at least get some decent fans in comparison to some of the other Cockney outfits. Hodgson will see them safe considering they were dead and buried before he came in.

10th Wolves

I think this Black Country lot are going to cause some upsets. Not sure it’ll be like Peaky Blinders storming each game, as nearly everyone is Portuguese. Play football, good young players and owner willing to spend by the wheelbarrow load. FFS. Good luck to them.

9th Burnley

Had an almost perfect season for them last year. Think just because of Europe they’ll maybe drop a place or two. I love black pudding, not that this has anything to with it.

8th Leicester

Have lost Mahrez and might lose Maguire, so might end up dropping like a stone. Everyone had them relegated the year they won the league. One of the most outstanding sporting feats ever.

Still amazing us beating them in the last minute to stop falling into the third division back in the day. The third tier of English Football that we’ve never been in. That reminds me of the time Sunderland were relegated into League One by Burton Albion.

7th Everton

They spend more money than anyone in world football on bang average players. Their chairman must be smoking crack as Richarlison and Sigurdsson for close to £100m is the work of someone who is soon to be shoplifting meat from Aldi and selling it down the club.

6th Spurs

I’ve just got a feeling the bubble is going to burst for Spuds in their bog-shaped new ground. A Kane big transfer away would be pretty funny. Good team though and manager, hope we turn them over first game.

5th Arsenal

Who knows what these will do with a new manager. Arsenal fans TV is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen, so the longer they fail and these rude boy gangstas lose the plot the better. Mugs

4th Chelsea

Proper disgusting plastic club. Stick your blue flag well and truly up your Harris.

Probably win the FA cup and sack another manager.

3rd Man Utd

Really used to hate this lot and snatching the title off us will never leave me till I’m pushing up daisies.

That rivalry has obviously dimmed but no less beautiful when sticking it up them. Don’t care where they finish. Mourinho is a bit of a prat but he keeps bringing teams and losing at SJP, so a bit of a bonus. Reckon deep down he’d like a crack at managing us, but not on Rafa’s budget!

2nd Man City

Bit of a curve ball, clearly they will probably win the league by miles again – I’d just rather see someone else win it after they have destroyed football as we know it. Difficult watching us play against them, don’t see that changing.

1st Liverpool

No doubt there are haters out there for the Scousers and I see a lot of ‘always the victim’ garbage online.

Proper football club, proper fans, great city and a bloody cracking night out. Massive parallels to the Toon across life and sport.

I think Klopp is a proper character and they are going to have a great season. If it can’t be us, I hope it’s them ahead of Manchester and London clubs.

You can follow the author on Twitter @JamieSwan1


If you would like to feature on The Mag, submit your article to [email protected]

Have your say

© 2021 The Mag. All Rights Reserved. Design & Build by Mediaworks