Being asked to write an ideal finishing Premier League table to the upcoming season is a bit of a tricky one. This considering my intense dislike of pretty much everyone and everything not in black and white.

Add to the fact that at Newcastle, our very own robbing swine is squeezing more coin out the club than the 24 hour Chinese mint – I’m not exactly convinced how sure I can comment with a clear mind on anything at the minute.

I could say Newcastle as Champions, clearly being the ideal end result, but I’d be put on a bus with flashing blue lights on the top and shoved in a jacket that fastened at the back!

Having won less than £100 on the lottery since 1995, or whenever the hell it started, I wouldn’t go backing myself as a pundit or predictor of any description. Nostradamus would spin in his grave and Mystic Meg would probably pi.. herself laughing into an early one if any claim made otherwise.

Tongue firmly in cheek, mouth cheek that is mind…take a pinch of salt from an increasingly salty git.

Starting at the rump end of the league.

20th Southampton

Can’t quite believe that they didn’t go down last season. Reasons to be relegated – Mark Hughes and it’s bloody miles away. Got nothing against Saints fans who have always seemed decent folk…but for their massive butt-head manager to relegate another red and shite striped team would be hilarious.

19th Cardiff

See above. Miles away and Neil Warnock is the Antichrist. Never forgiven for taking 24 hours to get out of there on a coach after getting humped by Man Utd 4-1 at the Millenium Stadium.

18th West Ham

Amusement level only.

I actually kind of like West ‘am and there is a bit of synergy – I’d just like to see the atomic mushroom cloud go off and thousands of fans pull the Olympic stadium to pieces whilst the dildo bros are choppered out.

17th Bournemouth

Could easily have hoyed them in the bottom three for mileage reasons and the fact they had a snidey-jammy win and came back to draw from two nowt down. Do like the manager though.

16th Huddersfield

Boiled my pi.. in the Championship, couldn’t really give a monkeys about them. Celebrity fan Sir Patrick Stewart almost swung pendulum to relegate.

15th Watford

Proper bogey team for us. Really I should relegate them. Tin pot and supported by Lovejoy. Why haven’t I relegated them?

14th Fulham

Could easily go down. Will be funny / depressing to see how Mitro gets on and how many Twitter meltdowns happen from our own fans.

13th NUFC

Christ knows where we will end up.

If it wasn’t for Rafa cellotaping together this broken club and creating a side out of nowt, we could easily be sniffing the whiff at the arse end. But like the A team locked in the back of a greengrocers knocking up a helicopter gunship – somehow Benitez just won’t let Ashley cripple the spirit.

12th Brighton

Have spent a few bucks, and having been within a couple if points of each other since our Pulp Fiction style Finale to the Championship, we will probably be in and around the same mark as them again. Non-offensive team. Chris Hughton is a major plus point. Proper class guy.

11th Palace

Probably should have stuck them way lower but already wrote the list and can’t be bothered to move them.

Decent atmosphere and at least get some decent fans in comparison to some of the other Cockney outfits. Hodgson will see them safe considering they were dead and buried before he came in.

10th Wolves

I think this Black Country lot are going to cause some upsets. Not sure it’ll be like Peaky Blinders storming each game, as nearly everyone is Portuguese. Play football, good young players and owner willing to spend by the wheelbarrow load. FFS. Good luck to them.

9th Burnley

Had an almost perfect season for them last year. Think just because of Europe they’ll maybe drop a place or two. I love black pudding, not that this has anything to with it.

8th Leicester

Have lost Mahrez and might lose Maguire, so might end up dropping like a stone. Everyone had them relegated the year they won the league. One of the most outstanding sporting feats ever.

Still amazing us beating them in the last minute to stop falling into the third division back in the day. The third tier of English Football that we’ve never been in. That reminds me of the time Sunderland were relegated into League One by Burton Albion.

7th Everton

They spend more money than anyone in world football on bang average players. Their chairman must be smoking crack as Richarlison and Sigurdsson for close to £100m is the work of someone who is soon to be shoplifting meat from Aldi and selling it down the club.

6th Spurs

I’ve just got a feeling the bubble is going to burst for Spuds in their bog-shaped new ground. A Kane big transfer away would be pretty funny. Good team though and manager, hope we turn them over first game.

5th Arsenal

Who knows what these will do with a new manager. Arsenal fans TV is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen, so the longer they fail and these rude boy gangstas lose the plot the better. Mugs

4th Chelsea

Proper disgusting plastic club. Stick your blue flag well and truly up your Harris.

Probably win the FA cup and sack another manager.

3rd Man Utd

Really used to hate this lot and snatching the title off us will never leave me till I’m pushing up daisies.

That rivalry has obviously dimmed but no less beautiful when sticking it up them. Don’t care where they finish. Mourinho is a bit of a prat but he keeps bringing teams and losing at SJP, so a bit of a bonus. Reckon deep down he’d like a crack at managing us, but not on Rafa’s budget!

2nd Man City

Bit of a curve ball, clearly they will probably win the league by miles again – I’d just rather see someone else win it after they have destroyed football as we know it. Difficult watching us play against them, don’t see that changing.

1st Liverpool

No doubt there are haters out there for the Scousers and I see a lot of ‘always the victim’ garbage online.

Proper football club, proper fans, great city and a bloody cracking night out. Massive parallels to the Toon across life and sport.

I think Klopp is a proper character and they are going to have a great season. If it can’t be us, I hope it’s them ahead of Manchester and London clubs.

You can follow the author on Twitter @JamieSwan1

To feature like Jamie Swan submit your article to [email protected] and/or for more info go here

  • Clarko

    This might be the worst ever article posted.

    • Paul Patterson

      It’s certainly a worry when someone’s logic is based on previous visits to a part of the country that has no relevance to the team we’d be playing (Cardiff) and that the opinion should have been worse but they couldn’t be bothered to re-evaluate the selection.

      It’s also a worry that there is a disclaimer in the first paragraph for the selections . .

      • Jate Legend

        He’s just having a laugh man, we are too serious round here.

    • Peaky

      Got to agree….it’s certainly up there..

    • Wor Lass

      Yeah, that`s pretty p*ss poor even for you, m8 – only one sentence and no reference to stats. And you were doing quite well today!

    • Anonymouse1

      until you write one

      • TheNutJob


    • Tino11

      First time I’m going to agree with something you’ve written.

  • Paul Patterson

    1st Man City
    2nd Liverpool
    3rd Man Utd
    4th Spurs
    5th Chelsea
    6th Arsenal
    17th Palace
    18th West Ham
    19th Wolves
    20th Southampton

    *Newcastle can finish anywhere in between these two groups, so injuries permitting I’ll go for 9th at best 14th at worst. Averaged at 11th or 12th.

    • Jezza

      Can’t see West Ham being anywhere near the relegation places with the signings they’ve made this summer. I think they’ll finish top half.

      • TheNutJob

        it`s where we finish that worries me

        • HarryHype59

          Below WH U, Fulham and Wolves.

      • Danimal

        Can’t see Fulham struggling either. And I don’t mean because they’ve got Mitro.

    • Peaky

      Interesting quote from Charlie Adam today saying he thinks Liverpool are perhaps 2 players short of winning the PL….he reckons they need another quality centre half to play alongside van Dijk…….🚁 to Anfield…..💷💷💷

      • Danimal

        They didn’t go for Mawson, who the journalists (and Southgate) bafflingly rate as next in line for England, ahead of JL.

        • mentalman

          he’s apparently more comfortable on the ball than JL, Southgate doesn’t seem to go for the best defenders he goes for the best defenders at playing the ball out of the back

          • Danimal

            Hopefully no one else rates JL, so we can keep him.

      • Leazes.

        Lascelles on the last day of the window.

        • Peaky

          Yup….Fatso will be telling his missus to choose something for £40m as we speak from the catalogue.

          • Jimblag23

            She just needs a paper bag for his face.

        • Jezza

          Yes no prizes for guessing how Fatso’s going to fund his investment in that high street department shop. They should rename it House Of Lascelles.

          • Ben Jones

            Haha. Nonsense of course but did make me laugh

      • Jezza

        The helicopter is already on standby.

    • Superdooperhooper

      You think we’ll finish above West ham and wolves? You’re a glass half full kinda person aren’t you?

    • HarryHype59

      West Ham and Wolves will finish above us, as unlike the fat abatross, their owners have shown ambition in the market.

  • Ba ba.

    I fancy Liverpool to win it

  • Soldier

    Man City 1st, Newcastle United 17th

  • Scott Robinson

    NUFC 1st.
    Man U 20th.

    SAFC to win the FA Cup.

    Because we are all going crazy, or why follow the toon?

    • Peaky

      What a stupid post Scott…..Man U 19th….

  • toonterrier

    Cant see Manu finishing in the top five as the manager has lost the plot. Can see us finishing in the bottom five unless we give Rafa some money to spend to boost the squad.

    • Peaky

      Aye,it’s all gone pear shaped with Mourinho….the bloke isn’t plumbed in right at the minute…

      • Jimblag23

        3rd season.

        • Peaky

          Good point….can see Pochetino at Man Utd somewhere down the line.

  • Vodkamagpie

    Wasn’t burnley favourites to get relagated last season, and ended 7th. Top 6 will be the top 6, everyone else will be fighting for 7th, mid table, or relagation .

    • SuperDesHamilton

      That’s generally how a table works out

      • Vodkamagpie


  • Peaky

    Although it won’t happen I’d love to see Everton get relegated…..I fuckinghate that club with a passion….then Palace….

  • Jimblag23

    This article reads like if you asked a pi$$ed bloke down the pub to spout off about each PL team 😂

    • Jate Legend

      Exactly. Mint article.

  • Dont stop bobbi fleckman

    I do not like Liverpool but see them finishing 2nd, City first, arsenal 3rd with man yoo 4th. NUFC 11th.

    Cardiff, Hudds, B’mouth relegated.

    • MichaelMaximusMoose

      Unblocked you just long enough to tell you to [email protected]@K Off Blobby

      • SuperDesHamilton

        I struggle to comprehend you’re a grown adult. Grade A gonk

        • Toon

          I go under 10, based on maturity of posts and cartoon character picture

          • SuperDesHamilton

            Let’s his nasty horrible little personality shine every so often does maximus. It’s when he has a drink.

          • Superdooperhooper

            If you’re talking about superdes I entirely agree

      • Dont stop bobbi fleckman

        Ahhh Micky Love, what is it this time? did you find the capital of France?

    • Peter C

      Right at this minute, even now before a ball hasn’t been kicked, I’ll settle for 11th, but I can’t see us finishing, that high.

      If we have a bad start, which is more than possible, as we have a very difficult opening fixture list.

      I believe this could be the catalyst for disaster, losing becomes a very difficult habit, hard to shake off. As the run we had last season, was a prime example.

      Saying that, two of the three teams you mention regarding relegation, look a good bet to go down. I just hope, touch wood, Newcastle isn’t the third.

  • Scottie Chugger Dearden

    After working with Scousers, you would never hear the end of it if they won. I have nothing against the city or the people, I’ll never let 4-3 go. I was chuffed when Real Madrid won.

    • Peter C

      You are right, they are totally unbearable, and we wouldn’t here the end of it.

      But I wish, we had owners like them.

      • foggy

        If the Toon ever won the league when would you expect us to stop talking about it ?

  • pedrodelgardo

    Great guess work Jamie – thanks.

  • James ByanyMeans Lawrence

    “17th Bournemouth – Do like the manager though.”

    “12th Brighton – Chris Hughton is a major plus point. Proper class guy.”

    “10th Wolves – Play football, good young players and owner willing to spend by the wheelbarrow load. FFS. Good luck to them.”

    “7th Everton – They spend more money than anyone in world football on bang average players. Their chairman must be smoking crack as Richarlison and Sigurdsson for close to £100m is the work of someone who is soon to be shoplifting meat from Aldi and selling it down the club.”

    “6th Spurs – I’ve just got a feeling the bubble is going to burst for Spuds”

    “4th Chelsea – Probably win the FA cup and sack another manager.”

    One of the best and most entertaining reads this summer – Would like to see Liverpool push for it and really get close – never had any trouble with any scouser in the world and they have been rather supportive of us so they get my vote!

    • gold coast mag

      I agree- had a good laugh and not taking it too seriously

  • Stephen Paylor

    The reality is we have a better squad than only Cardiff and Huddersfield. We are very similar to Brighton, Southampton, Wolves, Bournemouth and Fulham. We have the experience of last year with pretty much the same team. We will be in and around all season and hopefully scrape enough points to finish 17th or higher. So exciting….

    • Peter C

      Those are my thoughts, exactly.

  • Wezza

    I agree with Liverpool winning the title.
    Who knows where we will end up but I think it will be less than 13th. Losing Lejeune is a big blow and we could still lose Lascelles!

  • Sumit Sengupta

    Mostly biased.

  • foggy

    No disrespect intended but where did the “expertise” come from ?

    If the Toon don’t get a decent striker + number 10 + another quality centre half then they’ll be in the bottom three at the end of the season along with Cardiff and Southampton.
    I expect Man City to win the league with Liverpool second and Arsenal third.

  • HarryHype59

    West Ham and Fulham will finish above NUFC next season . I would happily accept 17th right now due to the stupidity of Ashley’s penny pinching!