As Newcastle fans wait for the first player to be bought in this January transfer window, a leak from the office of Lee Charnley has revealed the real reasons why no investment in players has been made.
Employed on a minimum wage zero hours contract by Mike Ashley to clean St James Park single-handedly, Brenda the cleaner has broken cover and sold her story.
Lee Charnley dipped below his usual levels of top professional behaviour and whilst out for a business lunch at Greggs, he failed to lock his office (broom cupboard) door.
Which then enabled Brenda to search through the Managing Director’s files and colouring-in books, to unearth why exactly Newcastle have failed to buy this month, so far..:
Lee Charnley’s dog ate Rafa’s list of transfer targets.
Cutbacks on stationery spending meant there was no calendar in the Newcastle United offices, so nobody realised there was only 31 days in January this year.
Lee Charnley did not have the authority to sanction more than £50 of petty cash, so with no agreement to pay for his diesel, Daniel Sturridge instead drove to West Brom.
Mike Ashley explained a while ago that he bought mobile phones in bulk as he was (allegedly) always losing them, which meant nobody at Newcastle had his number to ask about the possibility of transfers during most of January whilst he was away on holiday.
All the cheaper seats on Easyjet flights to Amsterdam had already gone, so Lee Charnley wasn’t allowed to book flights to go and complete the paperwork for the £20m Nicolai Jorgensen transfer.
When away on holiday, Mike Ashley found a newspaper and saw that Newcastle were in the top eight so no urgent need for new players, not realising that the paper was from October and Newcastle had then gone on a run of one point in nine matches.
Mike Ashley didn’t realise that the rules allowed you to buy a player without firstly selling one of your own for far more money, as this is the way he usually works he’d convinced himself that this was the rule for everybody.
Despite not officially working for the club anymore, Mike Ashley secretly still retains former Chief Scout Graham Carr as his football adviser. Carr has assured him that any day now: Saivet, Haidara, Mitrovic, Mbemba, Perez, Curtis Good, Jonjo Shelvey and Jack Colback are all going to come good as Premier League stars.
After returning from holiday Ashley bumped into Joe Kinnear in the Orange Tree pub and since then everything has been a bit of a blur for the owner.
Buying players costs money…