As Newcastle fans wait for the first player to be bought in this January transfer window, a leak from the office of Lee Charnley has revealed the real reasons why no investment in players has been made.

Employed on a minimum wage zero hours contract by Mike Ashley to clean St James Park single-handedly, Brenda the cleaner has broken cover and sold her story.

Lee Charnley dipped below his usual levels of top professional behaviour and whilst out for a business lunch at Greggs, he failed to lock his office (broom cupboard) door.

Which then enabled Brenda to search through the Managing Director’s files and colouring-in books, to unearth why exactly Newcastle have failed to buy this month, so far..:

Lee Charnley’s dog ate Rafa’s list of transfer targets.

Cutbacks on stationery spending meant there was no calendar in the Newcastle United offices, so nobody realised there was only 31 days in January this year.

Lee Charnley did not have the authority to sanction more than £50 of petty cash, so with no agreement to pay for his diesel, Daniel Sturridge instead drove to West Brom.

Mike Ashley explained a while ago that he bought mobile phones in bulk as he was (allegedly) always losing them, which meant nobody at Newcastle had his number to ask about the possibility of transfers during most of January whilst he was away on holiday.

All the cheaper seats on Easyjet flights to Amsterdam had already gone, so Lee Charnley wasn’t allowed to book flights to go and complete the paperwork for the £20m Nicolai Jorgensen transfer.

When away on holiday, Mike Ashley found a newspaper and saw that Newcastle were in the top eight so no urgent need for new players, not realising that the paper was from October and Newcastle had then gone on a run of one point in nine matches.

Mike Ashley didn’t realise that the rules allowed you  to buy a player without firstly selling one of your own for far more money, as this is the way he usually works he’d convinced himself that this was the rule for everybody.

Despite not officially working for the club anymore, Mike Ashley secretly still retains former Chief Scout Graham Carr as his football adviser. Carr has assured him that any day now: Saivet, Haidara, Mitrovic, Mbemba, Perez, Curtis Good, Jonjo Shelvey and Jack Colback are all going to come good as Premier League stars.

After returning from holiday Ashley bumped into Joe Kinnear in the Orange Tree pub and since then everything has been a bit of a blur for the owner.

Buying players costs money…

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  • Leicester Mag

    When I read about a leak I immediately worried for Penfolds life, the useless trucka would drown in the puddle

  • FatParosite

    This is fantastic inside info. Your sources are hot and accurate as this barely steps away from credulity. I know for a fact that the hamster has colouring books in his filing cabinet, so this tallies with my reports.

  • Mark Davies

    Whilst really funny and probably even half true, Sky are reporting that Merino is available for sale. If thats really true then that may just be the final straw for me.

    • Damon Horner

      Just read that…. no idea what’s going on there but it looks like predictions of no arrivals yet players departing might actually happen again.

      • Mark Davies

        It really does. He’s the one player Id be gutted if we sold. I cant even get my head around why they would let him go IF its true. At the end of my tether now.

        I have a season ticket and go away but I am now sick of the constant lies. Im that dissapointed by it all Im even considering not bothering tomorrow and passing on my ticket and travel for Sunday.

        Im all for supporting the lads but why should anyone invest their time and money in a club as much as we all love it, when the bloke who owns it isnt even bothered?

        Maybe Im just having a bad day but this season and transfer window has eventually sucked all hope and excitement out of me.

        Mr Ashley & Mr Charnley I hope you are proud at what you have created.

        • Monkseaton Magpies

          Sounds like you are a good supporter just when the players need you, you go missing. Sure Rafa would be proud of you and others on here.
          Will be at both games supporting the team in their hour of need.

          • Mark Davies

            I said considering you patronising bellmet. Im usre if you read other things ive posted ive been most patient but this season and window have me despairing.

          • Simon Rhodes

            Sounds like one of Ashley’s minions giving you a guilt trip. I refuse to go anymore and have not been in his poundshop for about 7 years.

          • Monkseaton Magpies

            Yes but no good buying players just for the sake of it. Rafa is keeping a positive approach and has not thrown in the towel you should not to.

          • nufcslf

            Your mate upstairs has, simply feel very sorry for anybody foolef into buying season tickets for such a sh*t cause.

          • Pauline Kemp

            Which team would that be

          • nufcslf

            Phuque oph, how can any moron that doesn’t strengthen the sh*t team he has under funded get any support from anybody. Some thick kid that doesn’t know any better maybe, but I assume your not still in the infants, are you?

        • nufcslf

          Don’t refer to them as Mr. They are both scum and should get the respect they hand out….none…..

  • Jimmy

    What a parcel

  • Terry R Fox

    It’s time, lads and lasses, to crowdfund the cost of a top quality hit man! No not a number nine, a real bona fide hitman. It’s going to be the only way we can rid our club of this incompetent leech, Ashley.

    • Buck Blacket

      That’s hilarious Terry and I promise I will visit you in jail! Lol

  • Jimmy

    Got any contact terry? Sounds like a plan

  • Ram Kishore

    Hats off to the Author…😂😂😂
    An article that finally made me laugh a lot at The Mag

  • Monkseaton Magpies

    Mike Ashley paid £200m to his sports direct staff over a period of five years and even the cleaner got a bonus of £80,000.00 one year not bad for a lady whose boss is supposed to be less than generous. More usual rubbish from the Mag even by your standards this is bottom of the barrel stuff.

    • Guest 2

      WTF do you read – The Shirebrook Times?

      Simple FACT is that no SD employees got a bonus unless they were full time employees. None on zero hours contract got a penny. NONE. “However, the generous share bonus scheme, which paid out this week, has also proved controversial as only a tiny proportion of the 29,000 people who work for Sports Direct are able to participate.”
      Aye, 2000 of the 29000 worforce.

      WTF was a cleaner earning, or doing, that would justify an 80 grand bonus? Would love to hear from that fictitious character as the average amount was 21,000.

      Try referring to the USC staff he threw onto the dole.

      • Paul Patterson

        Was that the company that Ashley started up again in a new capacity the second it went bust?

        • Guest 2

          Republic, aye.

          He closed USC to avoid paying trade debts to Diesel. Immediately bought the company back out of administration, debt free – and employee free no less.

    • Wor Lass

      You`ve made your bed so I suppose you have to lie in it. Pathetic.

      • Guest 2

        Seriously man, he has the brains of a rocking horse. What he chooses to believe about Ashley is scary.

        • Wor Lass

          Ashley`s the only person I`ve ever noticed him say anything good about. Imagine that!

    • KRS1

      After a long morning sniffing glue and inhaling aerosols you join the debate with your usual ill informed drivel.

    • Dillon Tovak

      If you treat everyone terribly all the time but treat one person nicely once, doesn’t make you a decent person.

    • DavyB

      Can’t believe you are still defending Ashley and co. Does the transfer market inactivity not tell you everything you need to know about our current state of affairs?

    • robbersdog

      The cleaner? Are you aware that Sports Direct owns 670 stores, several warehouses and many office facilities? I think you’ll find that all of the cleaning is contracted out to third-party companies, and that SD doesn’t actually have “a cleaner”.

      But hey, ‘Mike Ashley gave his cleaner eighty grand’ is a good story and the kind of thing his PR flunkies churn out on a regular basis.

    • Ram Kishore

      Do you come from a PARALLEL UNIVERSE where he is the heroic saviour of Nufc?
      Is he not Sportsdirect owner who employed people for a pay below the minimum wage and accepted that in the court???

      • Monkseaton Magpies

        He did not employee people on less than minimum wage it was the time it took to do some stop and search bags which some employees claimed was working time. This was a similar practice at many companies and the courts ruled it broke the law as the five minutes it took brought the pay below minimum wage very petty indeed. There are £1.7m people on zero hour contracts with many companies and this site does not mention that.

        • Ram Kishore

          How do you get all these stuff?? Are you his PR team member or his one of the many lawyers??

          • Newky Brown

            No it’s Mr Lee Charnley himself, I think he needs to take Mike Ashley’s balls off his chin.

          • Mr wobert

            And I thought it was a bow tie on his chin

    • Coble’s Return

      Oh aye – you’re right. I remember the Parliamentary Committee commending Ashley on his exemplary employment practices.

    • thewildchimp

      If he only did that with the NUFC and the clubs money… No need for bonuses, just, let’s say, 1/5 of the TV money for a player or two.

    • Ken

      What utter drivel.

      • Monkseaton Magpies

        Have you read the article above the Mag normally is at a very low level together with the supporting comments but this is the worst yet shame.

    • Brian Standen

      Anyone can contribute articles, it’s up to the readers to like or dislike etc, maybe you should consider penning something yourself in support of Mike Ashley, Be interesting to read the comments that follow!

      • Monkseaton Magpies

        This was the worst article ever even by the Mags low standards I did an article for the Chronicle when all the fans were protesting complete with photo will see if I can find a copy. Today one supporter not going on Wednesday or to Palace he is making a stand amazing stuff from the mag .

  • Jimmy

    Helmets here !

  • Paul Patterson

    It’s a nice laugh for five minutes, but the sad fact remains- this is a real live functioning football club that doesn’t behave like one.
    The owner/MOD is playing with our PL future and possible continued existence . .

    • Andy Mac

      I think you meant real, live dysfunctional football club ?

    • Ken

      Mike Ashley has destroyed Newcastle United with his inept, penny pinching attitude.

  • JonMag

    the whole cloobs krap, we have a manager that can`t buy players.
    Carr left last summer to be replaced by Nickson another idiot & another Ashley man, so state normal in the transfer market, in other words bring in sweet FA or cheap schitt, we have an U23 team not worth a scoot that`s coached by a guy under investigation for bullying an racist comments.
    the M/D is a [email protected]@king idiot that knows nothing about the game, the only thing he get`s right is licking the fat [email protected]@kers a $$.
    laughing stock doesn`t even begin to describe Newcastle Utd, a cesspool of greed & incompetence.

  • Mrkgw

    What on earth is this?

  • nufcslf

    This is just not a laughing matter, it is a f**king disgrace. Cashley needs to hear at the match tomorrow from anybody mad enough to go what a piece of filth he is. Probably won’t happen from 50,000 happy clappers that won’t mind yet another home loss as long as the poxy books are balanced. Total joke.