Since Amanda Staveley was spotted at St James Park there has been wild speculation about the future of Mike Ashley and Newcastle United.

The power-suited British businesswoman with the steely eyes of a Bond villainess cuts an impressive figure. Rumours of her wealth and connections to Middle-Eastern billionaires have set Geordie pulses racing.

Even by NUFC standards this story has developed rapidly and only two weeks after Amanda left her seat in the Milburn and headed to Flares for a treble vodka, Geordies are scratching their heads and hitting google to ask “what is due diligence?” and “what is a non-disclosure agreement?”.

Whilst the black and white balloon of expectation slowly starts to inflate, the ballpoint pens of journalists and sharp tongues of old pros are waiting to burst it. Lazy journalists vying for the last soggy croissant at the Sunday Supplement breakfast table and ex professionals hoping for a seat next to Jeff Stelling, are casually throwing around tired statements about a lack of gratitude and delusional expectations from Newcastle fans.

One doomsayer is Kieron Dyer, who in a recent interview talked about the inflated expectations of Newcastle fans and our belief that we are a Champions League club. Kieron seemed to regurgitate the blended tarantula he ate on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, when he claimed that Newcastle fans were spoiled by Keegan and Robson.

Next up Simon Jordan, the bleached blonde, perma-tanned mobile phone salesman who on The Debate managed to say, “unrealistic”, “big club” and “be careful for what you wish for” in one breath. He then stated that Ashley would never be accepted because he’s a southerner. Very true Simon, us northerners are holding our breath for Sting, Ant and Dec, Jimmy Nail and Spuggy from Byker Grove to pool their wealth and take us to victory in the Champions League. Only then will we be truly happy.

Whilst rumours of the club’s sale are rife, the one statement that highlights the cynicism of journalists and jealousy of other fans is…

“Be careful for what you wish for”.

Are people totally oblivious to the decade of frustration we have endured under Mike Ashley? Opposition fans highlight stories of the Venkys, Ridsdale and Becchetti with glee, desperately hoping that Fairy Godmother Staveley doesn’t turn our dreams into trophies.

So if they are right, exactly how much worse could it get for Newcastle fans?

The Steve Cram Consortium

A consortium of Mackems led by Steve Cram (celebrity fan) and Niall Quinn purchase NUFC in the hope of destroying the club from the inside.

Cram states “No amount of investment can save SAFC. The hopes and dreams of Sunderland fans don’t rest on trophies or promotion, they rest on derby games with Newcastle and making it seven in a row. Rather than buy our own club who are beyond salvation, we thought we’d relegate Newcastle to League 1 instead.”

Using a Wonga payday loan, Cram and his team raise the necessary funds and immediately install Kevin Ball and Gary Bennett as managers with Lee Cattermole signing from Sunderland as team captain. Newcastle’s first team kit is replaced with oversized shorts that can be pulled up to the chin. Within two seasons Newcastle are relegated twice. Niall Quinn reports with glee “To be sure it’s great news. We have our derby game back! Mr Ashley is a great fella and we did say back in 2017 that Newcastle fans should be careful for what they wish for.”

The Greggs Family

The pasty empire purchase Newcastle United and immediately rename all of the St James Park stands after their products. The Steak Bake End and the Sausage & Bean Melt Stand are full to the rafters as Newcastle fans enjoy the range of savoury treats on offer at every match. The season starts with back to back wins as a motivated team of superstars hit the ground running fuelled by stotties and chicken slices.

Sadly, by Christmas time the average weight of each player is 15 stone and after the club’s dietician is sacked, the club are in freefall.  Relegation is secured when a strike from Harry Kane slips through the greasy fingers of Rob Elliot who was seen throwing a festive bake into the net just before Kane took his shot. In a rare interview, an under pressure Mr Greggs states, “Sales of our bake range are at a record high, it’s a shame about the relegation but Newcastle fans were warned to be careful for what they wish for.”

The Kim Jong-un Takeover

The North Korean dictator has been a long-time admirer of the Magpies and purchases the club, surrounded by a team of generals furiously scribbling team tactics into their notepads.

The Supreme Leader immediately installs his family members into the team and in his first press conference states “we will strike fear into the heart of our opposition” and promises the “total destruction of any team that stand in the way”. Statues of Shearer and Wor Jackie are replaced by Kim Il-sung and King Jong-il.

Newcastle pick up three wins out of three at the start of the season after opposition teams mysteriously disappear on matchday. Newcastle are quickly relegated to League 2 due to financial irregularities, the hacking of Arsene Wenger’s ipad and the storing of uranium warheads under the Milburn Stand. North Korea state television proclaims “St. James’ offers the capability for us to unleash our fury across Sunderland and mainland Europe, be careful for what you wish for Newcastle!”

Make a wish

So what is a realistic expectation for Newcastle fans?

I don’t think my expectations are beyond reason.

I’d like an owner who is honest with the fans.

I want an owner who surrounds themselves with football people rather than trying to rewrite the rules of football with a team of yes men who’ve never kicked a ball.

I’d like an owner that sees new players as an opportunity for success rather than profit.

I’d like an owner with a desire to win trophies rather than cling on to Premier League status to secure Sky windfalls.

I’d like an owner who views the club as a club rather than a vehicle to advertise their other businesses through stadium renamings and gaudy advertising displays at St. James’.

I want an owner who doesn’t treat the world’s most loyal football fans as mugs.

Whilst a new owner brings a new threat of financial ruin and relegation, there is also the potential for success…or more importantly, a club striving for success.

After a vacuous decade in NUFC history under Ashley, I’m willing to take the risk.

You can follow the author on Twitter @DavidMcAvelia

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  • steve pearce

    Amanda Staveley would never go to Flares and sink a treble vodka. She is a business woman who also suffers from Hodgkinsons’s disease which has no cure yet she is still running her businesses and is still in the frame to buy Newcastle.

    I’ll ignore the puerile “suggestions” but concentrate on your wish list which is bang on. Unfortunately we have no one in place to oversee the deal to ensure that these conditions are met. Or do we? – has anyone noticed Alan Shearer’s continuing absence from MOTD which indicates to me at least that he is involved in talks. I could not think of a better fan’s ambassador than our great talisman and indeed would be most surprised if were not made a board member of even club Chairman.

    He know our club and its responsibilities inside out and we will be in a safe pair of hands make no mistake.

    • Guest 2

      Guess you missed Shearer’s holiday pics from Dubai then. playing heed the ball with his lad, Will (on Friday).

      Not sure how you sleep at night with all these conspiracies running around your heed.

    • Albert Stubbins

      Lol. What a load of nonsense. Jimmy nail and Sting were at the match on saturday though so they must be involved in the buy out as well. Are you a journal for the Chronicle by any chance?p.s he was joking about the triple vodka thing. It’s called sarcasm. An accepted form of wit in small doses.

      • Little Pedro

        Was at the match, Sting looked sick as a chip

        • Rich Lawson

          Must have been listening to his recent albums on headphones while he watched !

          • Little Pedro

            Or listening to Jimmy Nails albums

          • Rich Lawson

            Used to like him in Spender,but apart from the odd Sting musical he doesn’t seem to have done much for decades ? Baffled how his name keeps coming up in lists of potential rich geordie takeover groups.

        • Albert Stubbins

          I can only assume that he must have been listening to one of his own songs!!

    • scotty63

      I bought her the treble so calm down

      • steve pearce

        Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Awesome humour!

    • Jimblag23

      😂 not a fan of irony then?

  • grumpyoldmag

    Top article – that’s the spirit of the old fanzine😊

  • Mark Spark

    It’s like you’ve stolen the thoughts out of my head.well put

  • Paul Patterson

    Just heard the interview with Simon Jordan and if ever there was a misinformed idiot, then he is one.
    We aren’t anti southerners up here, but this d******d needed someone in the studio to at least challenge him and tell him that he is bang out of order. Nice and easy to say what he says from way down there in the big city. Come and do a talk in up here and see how brave you are.
    If he’d stated what he’d stated in Newcastle, he would’ve had the microphone inserted up his a**e.

    • Jimblag23

      It does seem pretty anti southern on this website though, the amount of times you hear “bag of southern puss” and cockney. Which is ridiculous as cockneys are born within hearing distance of the bow bells and he’s from Buckinghamshire. Just makes the fans look ridiculous.

      • Paul Patterson

        Agreed, but I don’t think Warren Barton, Rob Lee or Les Ferdinand would have let that interview go by without a stern checking . .

        • Jimblag23

          Simon Jordan truly is a vile man.
          I’m so glad he’s not involved at palace anymore so we don’t have to see his peter stringfellow face.

      • Wor Lass

        Jim, “the stinking (you forgot that bit) bag of southern pus ( one s – not the cat)” is a phrase trademarked by Steve Pearce who slags off anyone regardless of their point of origin within the UK and is applied only to Ashley. He is dubbed a cockney by many but then anyone connected to nufc is dubbed a Geordie – but what is a geordie? There have been lots of debates about that one. The fact of the matter is that there is a basic distrust of “Satherners” up here – reinforced by the antics of the Sky pundits and southern press – but anyone who comes here with honest intentions is accepted and even lauded. Many people have mentioned the likes of Sir Les, Rob Lee and Warren Barton. Chris Hughton is constantly held up as an example of everything Ashley is not. As you no doubt know yourself, it`s not actually where someone comes from that decides how we treat them, it`s what they do.

      • Oooh bobbi fleckman

        Exactly, the cause is not helped wither by a ‘cockney mafia out’ bedsheet.

        If we want new owners, do fans really think that prospective owners will see / hear this sort of thing and reason that it’s just Southerners those fans don’t like.

  • Down Under Mag

    While part of me thinks “please let this happen, we deserve so much better than Ashley”, there’s equally the panic-button part of my brain hoping we don’t get someone worse…after all for every Middle-East Oil Billionaire consortium there seems to be a plethora of bad businessmen looking for a toy…look at Blackburn and even the Mackems and even Ashley’s stadium naming option seems a deft touch when it comes to Hull’s club naming fiasco.
    Then there is the part of me that kind of wants us to win something by building up to it, building a sustainable empire and success rather than an “all on black” approach to blowing a small countries GDP in two windows.
    Most of all though i’m siding with the side of let’s just do it, get rid of Ashley and roll the dice on bringing the fans some happiness after 10 years of total rubbish under the current dictator. Dyer and Jordan are no fans of the club, Jordan in particular always perpetuates the media drivvel like he knows what goes on up here…he just loves the sound of his own voice. You never see many interviews with Rob lee and other ex players who gave their all and were adored for it…I guess it doesn’t serve the media self interest of trying to “wind those Geordies up…that’ll be good for a laugh”. It’s nothign to do with southern or northern devides other than the media created ones to sell papers and cause anymosity that sadly some fans always seem to buy into!

  • MichaelMaximusMoose

    Mike Ashley has turned Nufc into a billboard for cheapness, on top of that there`s an ongoing criminal investigation by HMRC concerning numerous players.
    Can it get any worse under a new owner ?
    Not in this Lifetime

  • Lofty

    Are people totally oblivious to the decade of frustration we have endured under Mike Ashley? Well the answer to that is obviously people who have the club close to our hearts actually do. Unfortunately, in these media frenzied ‘Need a headline’ days, Sky and others will drag anyone desperate enough in front of a camera or microphone to have their say regardless of them knowing any truth in their opinions. They are never challenged about the ‘facts’ they spout out, and thus the myth is continued. Any NUFC supporter could sit next to one of these @rseholes (that includes you Kieran Dyer) and shoot them down with a list of facts as long as your arm. Doesn’t make good telly though.

  • hetonmag

    After 10 years of smoke and mirrors and lies by this regime all I wish for is an owner that’s honest and runs the club in a professional way and brings the club closer to the fans. All this be careful what you wish for ( Stelling mentioned it again on Sat ) thing is for the people at the other end of the country we know the score up here, and to everyone who thinks we might get someone like the Venkies the price Ashley is asking will be bought by someone who knows how to run a business, and honestly would anybody think Rafa would be involved in some cheepskate company. (Again )

    • Oooh bobbi fleckman

      i made the point to Harry Hype last week. Usually, you’d think the lower the asking price, the more money there is for ‘investment’ but that does not work out in football.

      The fact MA is looking for serious money means that the chancers are not at the races. There is no chance of a Barry Moat coming along at £400m or a Venkey for that matter.

      At £400m, a buyer has to realise what they are getting and a serious plan to improve on it.

      • hetonmag

        Correct.

  • Wor Lass

    A great read. I do think that extreme sarcasm is the right way to deal with some of these vacuous talking heads that we are subjected to on a daily basis.

  • Alreet

    Be carefull what you wish for???? Im guessing 2 relegations in 10 years isnt bad enough for some. And ashley is misunderstood.

    He doesnt know the game and this is his exit strategy. Call up the names of venkeys. Ridsdale and becchetti all ypu like. The bottom line is this will be a different case.

    The collective media arent about to report anything good when that just shows good bias which will never do. Only our loyal soldiers see the wood the trees and the clearing further forward. Shearer. The true geordie. Joey barton. Kevin nolan. Rob lee. Most every fan that even loosely follows us can see thatthos is a good thing.

    The media dont like us. We are yards away from scotland and the prem should be miles out of our league. Other teams think the same and dont like coming here. Only pool fans have some kind of affinity.

    So get a grip mr media and watch. If someone with a bit or nouse actually comes in and makes this place rock again. You might just get your ultimate nightmare. A toon side that people love to watch again.

    So stelling. Dyer. Brazil. Bellamy. Merson. Jordan and all the other haters. Watch this space.