Nothing will ever change for me where Mike Ashley and Newcastle United are concerned.

He has presided over 10 years of zero ambition on the pitch and a very complex (and negative for the football club) relationship off it, with his retail empire.

Nevertheless, I can’t help but say that it would be brilliant entertainment to be in court this week, where a business associate is trying to get £14m from the Sports Direct supremo, claiming a verbal contract was agreed during a drinking session.

As you can see from these court exchanges (below) earlier today (Wednesday), Mike Ashley was in outrageous form, he just loves rubbing up against the establishment and really doesn’t give a whatever when it comes to giving answers in court.

In fact, the only thing that is potentially more comical than Mike Ashley, is the current fascination the Portuguese sports media have for Newcastle United.

I have come to instantly disregard any transfer story I read that stems from reports in Turkey about a player moving to or from Newcastle. No player (to my knowledge) has gone to or from Newcastle/Turkey, at least not in the 22 years since Barry Venison was recruited by Graeme Souness at Galatasaray.

However, this particular transfer window has seen the Portuguese media come from nowhere to be head and shoulders above anybody else, including Turkey, when it comes to Newcastle United and ridiculous transfer stories.

In the case of Portugal, I remember Sir Bobby signing Hugo Viana and Helder coming on loan for a few months in 1999 and scoring against the Mackems but…after that I’m struggling.

It has been laughable the number of exclusives in the Portuguese newspapers, the typical story being a big money offer for one of Benfica’s reserves. Andreas Samaris has struggled to get his game the past two years and only started nine league matches in the season just ended, yet Newcastle allegedly offered over £17m for the unwanted 28 year old midfielder, which would have been a new NUFC transfer record.

That though pales into insignificance with Wednesday’s exclusive involving Bas Dost.

Bas Dost is like a family friend to us, first linked with a Newcastle move over five years ago when he was in Holland at Heerenveen and then pretty much every single transfer window since, including his four seasons at Wolfsburg in the Bundesliga, the striker only starting 37 league games there in his final three years.

Moving to Sporting Lisbon last summer for £8m Bas Dost has scored a load (34) of goals in the very low standard Portuguese league.

The 28 year striker who has started only three games for Holland, has seen his value remarkably rise according to today’s Portuguese exclusive, as well as Mike Ashley’s willingness to not just break Newcastle’s transfer record but smash it into tiny pieces.

The Portuguese media claiming that Newcastle have offered, don’t laugh, £35m for Bas Dost!

Newcastle allegedly offering to more than double their long standing transfer (paying) record and the forward’s value increasing more than four times over in 12 months, simply because of scoring goals in the Mickey Mouse Portuguese league.

Read the Mike Ashley stuff below and try and decide which is more amusing…

Oscar Williams-Grut who was Tweeting from the courtroom as Mike Ashley was quizzed on Wednesday:

Accompanied by PR man and right hand man Keith Bishop. They have headed into private consultation room.

QC: it’s fair to describe Sports Direct as your company isn’t it?

Mike Ashley:


Mike Ashley:

“I am not Obi Wan Kenobi in charge of the Death Star.”

“Stop trying to paint me as this person who decides everything at Sports Direct: it’s not correct.”

Mike Ashley says he receives emails but doesn’t send them.

QC quizzes Ashley on why no phone provided as evidence.

Mike Ashley:

“I periodically lose my phone, damage my phone, have my phone stolen.

“Whatever happens to mobile phones, happens to me and mine.”

Says he has box of 50 mobiles in his office as back up, down to about 20 now

QC now moving to question of Mike Ashley doing business in “informal settings whilst consuming substantial amounts of alcohol.”

Mike Ashley:

“Definitely not as a norm otherwise I’d have to live in the pub wouldn’t I as I’m making business decisions all day.”

Mike Ashley:

“It’s very boring and lonely in Shirebrook (at SD HQ) – that’s why we go to the pub”

Now discussing meetings at members club/casino 50 St James.

Mike Ashley on Jeff Blue:

“You think that liar is more reliable than me?”

Mike Ashley:

“At that time we didn’t have appropriate central London offices.”

Mike Ashley says the meetings were updates from departments. More of a tick box exercise. Says he wasn’t making decisions.

QC: Frequently consumed alcohol: agreed?

Mike Ashley:


QC: Typically how much did you drink?

Mike Ashley sighs:

“If I was drinking wine with food & not beer it would probably be four beers & then wine.”

“If I stayed on beer it would probably be six beers.”

Mike Ashley on large stake in Sports Direct:

“Everybody thinks I’m just going to sell it off and go to the beach. I’m fat enough as it is.”

(All contributions from Newcastle fans welcome, send articles (as well as ideas/suggestions) to [email protected])

  • glassjawsh-got-banned

    “very low standard Portuguese league” – aren’t they 5th or 6th in uefa coefficient? By that measure all but 5 leagues in Europe are “very low standard”.

  • Oooh bobbi fleckman

    Emre Belözoglu was Turkish and kk sold him to a Turkish club.

  • MichaelMaximusMoose

    Fat Mike worries me, he’s always smiling

  • Leazes Ender

    Ashley discouraged staff from wheeling him out to charm people. He said they usually found it a letdown. They would say…

    “Jesus, is that it? We thought we would be meeting a bright bloke!”

  • Wor Lass

    When he said “six” the QC should have asked him if he meant gallons.

  • Geordiegiants

    The man is a disgrace to humanity, he needs knocking down a peg or two, it will happen, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later, and I hope it hurts as much as he has hurt our football club.

    • Leazes Ender

      It will happen but not in this court case, as the Blue corner were looking for an ‘out of court’ settlement and Ashley called their bluff as he doesnt give a monkeys what people think of him.

      On the upside anyone can legitimately call him a ‘stupid fat oaf’ now without fear of libel.

      • Steve Smith

        Star wars references are still off the table though.

        • Leazes Ender

          But he still jabbers away

          • Geordiegiants

            Ha ha, love it!

      • 1957

        It’s hard to argue about anything he said about himself ( I actually chuckled at some of his answers especially the one about the gym). It is a masterful defence strategy, an intelligent man in Blue (although working for MA makes that questionable) taking advantage of a drunken village idiot, albeit a rich successful one.

        • Leazes Ender

          Ignorance is no defence, it just shows you that Ashley is what we thought he was….. a crass blunderer who depends on other peoples brains.

          He is starting to enjoy his public appearances now, well if Trump can get away with it why not. This seems to be the age of the deluded megalomaniac billionaire.

          • Geordiegiants

            I wished trump was the owner of our football club rather than Jabba, wether we/he thinks he is right or wrong, he wants everything he touches to be successful.

          • 1957

            You couldn’t get more of a contrast one of them has says very little the other can’t keep quiet. There would never be a dull day with the Donald in charge, imagine his take on Keith Stroud or Steve Martin’s refereeing performances on social media…

          • Rich Lawson

            He’d have the CIA take them out.

          • Geordiegiants

            Just like Jabba’s court case it would be comical!

          • glassjawsh-got-banned

            Trump would bankrupt NUFC just like he has bankrupted everything that he has ever touched that wasn’t given to him by his father. Then he’d blame it all on the freeloadings of a small, penniless and insignificant portion of the fanbase.

          • 1957

            Ignorance of the law isn’t a defence but it seems to me our great leader is really claiming being drunk meant he didn’t have capacity to make such a deal, doesn’t claim he didn’t say he would pay £15m, only he can’t remember.

            Your initial point is right though he doesn’t care how people think of him something we’ve known for too many years.

          • Rich Lawson

            We just need Philip Green to be interested in purchasing us now !1

    • MichaelMaximusMoose

      it hasn`t happened yet, he`ll just brush this off & head for the bar, makes you wonder how he managed to become a billionaire

  • S.G.M.

    Mike Ashley is ideally suited to owning NUFC. It couldn’t be more fitting.

  • Alex

    “You think that liar is more reliable than me?”


    • Geordiegiants


  • toonterrier

    He said he wasn’t the gobbi one but I don’t believe it. No doubt if he has to fork out another 14 million then one of our players will be on the move. What he should so is sell the club then he could buy truckloads of £3000 a bottle of wine.

  • toon atheist

    I like him, he’s hilarious and should have his own sitcom!!!!

  • Leazes Ender

    Its bloody hilarious Trump speak….

    Mr Ashley said: “I have never taken a penny out of Sports Direct – salary or otherwise.

    “As a matter of fact, I subsidise Sports Direct.”

    He’s under oath, so that means nothing to him either.

  • East Durham Mag

    He has had decade of zero ambition combined with systematically raping the first team of its best players bought for bargain prices and sold to line his pockets never to be replaced. Showing utter contempt for the supporters and club heroes along the way. Wonderful.

    • Oooh bobbi fleckman

      Raping the first team? The first team were pretty much finished before he took over, we’d just finished 8th from bottom and the team was generally past it.

      I agree that he should have been more respectful of Supermac but they’ve all made up again now.

      • East Durham Mag

        By raping the 1st team i meant selling Cabaye, Debuchy etc but your probably right about most of them being past it.

        • Oooh bobbi fleckman

          Ah, I thought you meant the squad he inherited. Selling players that want to move on is unavoidable, the problem was the replacement process. We went from Joey B to Cabaye which was improving, sadly cabella just didn’t work out.

  • S.G.M.

    Mike Ashley
    “Do you think I have anything to do with transfers at NUFC?”
    ” I’m the last to Know”
    “Raping the first team”
    EDM your a [email protected]

  • hetonmag

    Why didn’t they ask him if he takes any money out of NUFC bearing in mind when asked he said he took nothing out of SD, who then pay’s for his yacht and helicopter.

    • Geordiegiants

      He owns all of the labels. He is skimming from everywhere and anywhere. It’s a lot more complex than even Bobbi the Gobbi (the self professed resident accountant) wants to believe he knows.

  • Albert Stubbins

    Fat mike runs rings around the opposition as usual- he should have been a footballer!! He’s been taking the p*** out of the establishment for years- if he hadnt made so many mistakes at our own great club he’d be a working class hero!!

  • Leazes Ender

    I hope they throw the book at him for lying under oath.