If Newcastle United recruited players using a job description they should probably look like this:


Must possess genuine speed and/or stamina, along with an overall strong work ethic. Clean living bordering on the “Mary Poppins” is highly desirable.

Must have the gravitas to carry the number 9 shirt; 45 or any other combination of numbers definitely does not equal 9.

Those on the slow downwind to retirement need not apply.

There are no height restrictions for the role. However, the applicant must be able to actually jump to a reasonable height and head a moving object.

Short sleeve work uniform is provided, gloves may be worn (at your own reputational risk).

No Alice headbands please.

Proof of Date of Birth and age essential. Those wishing to commute by helicopter rather than live in the area may be better suited to Madrid / Manchester / somewhere else.

Sons of managers will be judged on merit.

There are no age restrictions. However, if you are so old that the media refers to us as “Oldcastle”, you are unlikely to be successful.

No wannabe gangstas.

Who I would sign (realistically): Edin Dzeko (ex Man City, now at Roma, age 31)


Ability to maintain focus for the entire game / season is a must as this is a permanent role, not a short-term contract.

Those thinking that one good performance in every five matches will suffice as there’s three other midfielders, please see similar vacancies in the Wear and Tees areas.

(Advertising) Hoarding kickers will be considered but this in itself does not guarantee selection. Similarly, those that have had a decent game against NUFC can also apply but this in itself no longer guarantees being successful.

Must have a valid UK driving licence and favourite colour is not yellow / red.

Great communication skills are essential but the wisdom of knowing when to turn off Twitter is highly desirable.

Agents please note that all applicants will be judged on their own merits and not part of a group deal.

Who I would sign (realistically): N’Zonzi (ex Stoke, now at Sevilla, age 28)

Sigurdsson (at Swansea, age 27)


All ten fingers must be in full working order at all times. Hair may be shoulder length or longer but again, no Alice hair bands please.

Those that prefer to fist pump and randomly point, instead of actually defending, need not apply.

All applicants will be required to sign an NDA to ensure they have no link to the manager, to ensure the club isn’t paying massively over the odds.

Who I would sign (realistically): Howedes (Captain at Schalke, German International, plays centre half and full back, age 29)

All above roles will hopefully require regular international travel (ideally on a Tues/Wed but realistically on a Thursday in the short-term).

(All contributions from Newcastle fans welcome, send articles (as well as ideas/suggestions) to [email protected])

  • William New Carney

    completely pointless Artical, there’s 5 minutes of my life I won’t get back

    • Tony Mann

      Tongue in cheek article – not ‘artical’

  • Tony Mann

    Laugh out loud!!! Good article reminding me of all the dreadful, greedy, workshy scum we’ve encountered. Bring back ‘Mary Poppins’ – (was that Shearer?) and bring anyone who knows what the shirt means.

    • HappyToons

      Another example of knowing what the shirt means-Peter Withe who left a Forest winning League Championship team at his peak (29?) with the promise we would go straight back up and had two seasons with us in Div 2 and then went back up to Division One with Villa and was top League scorer then scored the winner for Villa in the European Cup. Last game of the season for us (his last) he did a lap of honour by himself and he was worth it. A nice bloke, who actually loved the supporters, and a great physical English CF in a poor 2nd division team. Have to respect him for sticking with us in the hope we went back up.

      • Tony Mann

        Mate, there are so many who know what the shirt means, we could be on all night listing the ‘proper’ players. Sadly, we could spend all night listing the wasters as well.

      • NUFCLX

        Good post, I remember when we signed Withe, I was really p****d off. I thought he was s**te. He turned out to be brilliant for us. Right up there in the top CF’s I have seen for the Toon. You have to also remember he played in a struggling team and still stood out.