Get your daily update and weekly newsletter by signing up today!


It’s all ifs and buts and Voodoo Shmoodoo Hoodoo

5 years ago

All this Newcastle v Aston Villa nonsense is frankly becoming pretty tedious. Let’s get rid.

Aye, they were a very sad and petty bunch when we got relegated at their gaff a few years back. What rankled was the dancing on wa graves like they’d won a holiday away from Benefit Street.

Embarrassingly, they were even sadder to gloat in a nil-nil do or die flunk-fest, which proved likely be the nail in Rafa’s Toon survival coffin at the end of last season, having themselves been the most pathetic team in the football league.

The galloping and toothless gurning public at large with little better to do than hanging out filthy bed sheets with “sob on the Tyne” daubed in crayon. Ho ho and indeed effing HO, the land that brought you Shakespeare revealing the depth of the comedy gene pool in those parts, shallower than the contents of a gnat’s nutsack.

Forget who’s won what, all our combined glories are historical. I think attendances tell all who remains the greater football club; but the fact remains that if both teams hadn’t been so supremely sh*te in the last few years, this faux rivalry and irritatingly squeaky sliding doors moments wouldn’t be happening.

The fact that we were the only team not to beat them last season in the PL meant we were relegated. In the home game last season, if only the puffing Dutch wheezer De Jong hadn’t missed an open goal with a header from 2 yards out at one nil, would we have won and stayed up?

Perhaps if I flapped my wings hard enough I’d take off like a bald budgie with a massive heed, or perhaps not.

In years gone by we’ve loved playing them, with songs of “thank you very much for 6 points Villa” and “are you watching Big Fat Ron?”. But lads and lasses, this isn’t years gone by – this is the sharp end of a brutal and unbelievably long Championship season. We just need to put this very average and confidence stripped team to bed on Monday night, nee excuses.

People might think it would be very Newcastle United to let Bruce’s team get some unlikely points at SJP, people keep pointing at lost points on midweek nights too.

Utter garbage, it’s all ifs and buts and voodoo shmoodoo hoodoo bollocks.

If Mr Bruce has anything other than the pained look of Mrs Doubtfire chewing a gob full of wasps and with a sweat on his back like he’s left a Kebab in the oven back at Castle Brum, then I’ll be gutted and also surprised.

Let’s send the lot of them back to the skid mark they call home, with nowt but a reminder that they’ll be here for a while.

Nothing would please me more.

Oh, apart from maybe their Gobshite owner – ‘the good Doctor talks bollocks’ – having a Twitter meltdown.

Come on you black and white beauties, it’s due.

You can follow the author on Twitter @JamieSwan1

(All contributions from Newcastle fans welcome, send articles (as well as ideas/suggestions) to [email protected])


If you would like to feature on The Mag, submit your article to [email protected]

Have your say

© 2022 The Mag. All Rights Reserved. Design & Build by Mediaworks