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The French roll call of honour at Newcastle United

5 years ago

I laughed when I saw the sulking mug shot of our want away ‘superstar’ Moussa Sissoko.

Why is it that Newcastle United and French players never quite connect like they do at other clubs?

We have tried plenty yet have never created a two way love affair like Henry at Arsenal or Cantona at Manchester United.

Here are Newcastle United’s best attempts.

David Ginola: Following his first 6 months on Tyneside where he was unplayable, Ginola should be an all-time legend yet, though the passage of time increases the fondness, he managed to alienate the Geordie faithful by sulking at his failed move to Barcelona and then public criticising the area and people, resulting in savage booing at every return to SJP.

Laurent Robert: After watching him have about 50 shots in Bobby Lee’s testimonial match, Robert immediately went into my fantasy league team and helped me win £500 so I will forever be a fan; however, his time at Newcastle became increasingly frustrating until he started his own website to criticise the team and force himself a disappointing move.

Hatem Ben Arfa: The most talented of footballers fell foul of Pardew’s insistence at playing him as a half back and responded by eating 40 Greggs pasties a day and refusing to pass to any of his mates.

Yohan Cabaye: The dreamboat earned everyone’s love and respect before refusing to play against Arsenal and forcing a move to a ‘big club’ months later.

Sylvain Distin: Sir Bobby said he was like an Olympic sprinter before he immediately sprinted off to a ‘big club’- Newly promoted and then ninth place Manchester City – whilst Newcastle played Champions League.

Loic Remy: Turned us down for QPR then refused to play to avoid world cup injury before turning us down again for Chelsea reserves.

Olivier Bernard: Actually managed to sign for West Ham on a free before the Toon pointed out that he was contracted to Newcastle United so he had to come back. Left for Rangers only to return again, fat and injured.

Franck Dumas: Looked old, slow, yet decent, however hated the place (or Ruud Gullit which is understandable) and returned to France after a few months.

Mathieu Debuchy: Petulantly got himself sent off and petulantly left after his mate Cabaye had done the same. Newcastle United were apparently ruining his Champions league and International ambitions.

Louis Saha: Left out of the cup final squad so joined Fulham instead.

Didier Domi: Went on strike to force a move to a ‘big club’ after losing his place in the team.

Sylvain Marveaux: Arrived injured and stayed that way, barely playing a match and thus ruining my chance to unleash my “You say Cabaye and I say Marveaux” to the tune of the Beatles’ ‘Hello Goodbye’ song onto the Geordie public.

Charles N’Zogbia: After sulking that he couldn’t get a move to a ‘big club’, jumped at the insane ramblings of a mad man who called him Insomnia and forced his way to Wigan.

Jean-Alain Boumsong: After arriving in somewhat dubious financial circumstances, attempted to head a goal-kick in his first game and missed the ball by a good four yards, allowing it to bounce behind him as he looked around bewildered. My mate James said ‘Oh Dear’. Oh dear indeed!

Yoan Gouffran: Average forward who became a terrible midfielder having been Pardewed.

Mapou Yanga Mbiwa: Average Centre back who became a terrible full-back after being Pardewed.

Sebastien Bassong: Crippled the Mackems’ Kenwyne Jones in a tackle that still makes me wince today but was quickly sold for big money before anyone realised he wasn’t very good.

Alain Goma: Demanded to leave for a ‘big club’ – Fulham.

Florian Thauvin: Huge money, not yet an international winger who showed exactly why he is not yet an international winger but not why he was huge money.

Remy Cabella: The French Tommy Cooper. He had loads of tricks that were simply rubbish.

Gabriel Obertan: Saw out a huge contract with nothing in return. He could run fast on the odd time he was fit to do so.

Massadio Haidara: Not as good as Paul Dummett which says enough really.

Manu Riviere: Cow’s arse and banjo spring to mind.

Lionel Perez: Only signed to annoy the Mackems who inexplicably loved him. Quite rightly didn’t get anywhere near the first team.



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