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A large crisis requires a large plan….’Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants’

6 years ago

“This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you’ve got a moment, it’s a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying ‘This Is a Large Crisis’. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.”  Captain Blackadder

Madness! Utter madness. I genuinely thought that, upon reading the team sheet before Watford, that Steve McClaren had woken up and found a better way of setting Newcastle United on the road to victory against a plucky, newly promoted side.

How about a good performance?

No. How wrong I was.

As Odion Ighalo ran away celebrating his second goal after only half an hour, it clicked, this club is getting relegated. Quick glances at latest scores brought thoughts of a double north-east relegation party, with the mackems also 2-0 down to bright and industrious newcomers to the Premier League.

My opinion 48 hours later still stands and after digesting the fallout from all quarters, I can safely say one, if not both, of the north east clubs WILL go down.

And with our record against the unwashed, I fear Newcastle will have significantly less points than Sunderland by 2016.

Players need to look at themselves as at present, nobody is blameless.

The manager is held responsible for a formation, motivational ‘experts’ at the club need to earn their money and coaches need to look for a different direction, but my word do the players have a duty to themselves.

The captain (that term is now used jokingly) has long since mentally shipped out of this club and where once we could expect a dozen good performances a season from him, now we can barely expect a solid 12 minutes.

I also don’t know who told Chancel Mbemba and Florian Thauvin they can turn up to matches dressed like James Bond, but at the minute they may as well arrive dressed in clown outfits like Roger Moore in Octopussy, after all they’d be in good company.

This stupidity was highlighted on Sky’s Sunday Supplement at the weekend but it was the other stuff that was said/alleged about some players at the club by Journalist John Richardson, that had me concerned and worried,-

“There’s a lot of players there who aren’t up for the cause. I’m afraid, I know it sounds a bit of a cliché, but most of them are foreign players who don’t really care.

“They’re just passing by. They’re just basically mercenaries. It’s not their fault, they’ve been asked to go to Newcastle United.

“They’ve gone in there, the dressing room basically I know there’s a few bad eggs in there.

“Steve McClaren knows who they are, he wants to get them out, but it’s harder to do that because they’re on bloated wages. Basically there’s a lot of poison there.

“Yes I do (know who the bad eggs are). Yes I can say who one of them is: one of them is Cheick Tiote.

“Tiote, who has supposedly been unfit all season. Newcastle keep sending him for checks and scans – nothing ever comes up.

“He’s obviously not bothered, he doesn’t want to play.

“There’s other players there of the same ilk and until something happens the club is not going to move on.”


On Wednesday night we find ourselves caught between two stools, on one hand we want to win a cup-tie against Sheff Wed and be in the hat for the next round, we may as well go all out for it as the next two league games, we may as well forget turning up.

However on the other hand, the way things are panning out, a cup run is going to severely hamper this side if we can’t even motivate ourselves for the bread and butter.

Formations don’t win games, neither do fancy diets, or motivational men telling you that you’re a great player before kick off- they help, but that is all they do.

There has to be something inside you and too many players are turning up and taking a lend and thousands of pounds for the privilege.

There are too many similarities to this side and the one that went down in 2009.

Quite simply, there aren’t players in this side that are up for the fight, mentally or physically. A lack of technical ability I’ve always defended, but a lack of professionalism is unforgivable.

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