Delusion is something which all football fans suffer from to one degree or another, though obviously we like to think of it as hope, whilst the rest of the world sees it as simply delusion.

As Newcastle fans we are used to being described as deluded, used to being accused of thinking our club is bigger than it is, and used to rival fans mocking our ‘best fans in the league’ tag. As we lurch from meltdown to catastrophe, under the embarrassing stewardship of a tracksuit salesman from dahn sarf.

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When we think about this well used mocking stick of delusion, we owe it to ourselves as Newcastle fans to consider if there is any merit to these accusations.

So I have designed the ‘Newcastle United – How Deluded Are You?’ quiz:

What was your immediate reaction to Mike Ashley’s pre West Ham speech?

(A) I put my foot through the TV as soon as I saw his stupid, fat head.

(B) Surprise, followed by a steady realisation that he hadn’t actually said anything of any merit.

(C) Quiet optimism, simply by the tone of what he said and the very fact that he stood there and said anything at all.

(D) We’re definitely going to climb up the league next year now, probably Europa League place to start and a decent cup run.

(E) We are the new Chelsea/ Man City, Ashley is our leader

What was your reaction when you heard that Steve McClaren was the man charged with improving the clubs fortunes?

(A) I threw my computer through my TV, FFS! Another failed lower league no mark who had the audacity to turn us down twice already !

(B) A sigh of resignation that things had happened just as you expected, on a budget.

(C) Well, I guess he’s done ok with Boro and Twente, it might be ok.

(D) The bloke managed his country and assisted Fergie, he is clearly a tactical coach and we will greatly benefit from his knowledge.

(E) Steve is the man to deliver trophies, and not just one either. Get ready to dust off the cabinet boys, Cups are coming home.


So Wijnaldum looks a decent player, what difference do you think he will make to the way we play next year?

(A) Who cares, he can’t do it on his own and he’s only here to use us as a stepping stone anyway.

(B) He will probably take time to adapt to the pace of the league, we shouldn’t expect too much.

(C) He has the ability to greatly improve the tempo and ball retention of the team, whilst also posing a goal threat.

(D) He’s class, he can revolutionise the way we play in ways we cannot even imagine.

(E) He’s the first of Uncle Mike’s world class summer additions, who will make us a true competitive force at the very top of the league.

Is Wijnaldum the marquee signing, or the first of many more to come?

(A) He’s a spite signing from the owner in order to try and get some more of the Mugpies onside.

(B) I’d like to think that more will follow, but history tells me not.

(C) More are certainly needed and he seems to be a signing which signals intent.

(D) I expect a couple more high value, high profile signings this summer, plus a couple of younger gambles.

(E) The spree has begun, get ready for another four or five ‘worldies’ incoming for the assault on trophies.

Where do you expect Newcastle to finish in the league next season?

(A) After the owner flogs Sissoko, Tiote and Krul, and we lose De Jong and Saylor through injury, probably bottom three.

(B) Without more significant strengthening we could be in for another struggle.

(C) The new signing and new coaching staff give me hope of upper mid-table.

(D) The owner promised improvement and I think we will get it, we’ll finish top 8.

(E) When the worldies arrive it’s Champions League or bust for the Toon.

Where do you see NUFC in the pantheon of English football?

(A) We’re an embarrassing afterthought, thanks to the classless clown who owns us.

(B) Our star has certainly slipped, I think that there are many clubs who we have considered to be ‘beneath us’ who no longer are.

(C) We’re a run of the mill Premier League outfit, that is all.

(D) Thanks to our fan base and recent history of European competition, we still sit in the higher bracket of clubs.

(E) We eat at the top table only, thanks to the days of Keegan, Shearer and Sir Bobby, we’re still one of the elite.

newcastle fans

What would it take for you to turn your back on the club?

(A) I already have, did so a long time ago, I don’t pay to collaborate with the enemy.

(B) The actions of the owner have driven me away from attending matches, I mostly watch at home or the pub these days.

(C)  Well I’m pretty close right now but willing to see what happens this summer.

(D) Another relegation would seal it for me going to matches, that or a third coming for Joe Kinnear.

(E) Nothing ever! They’re my team, not the owner’s, and no one tells me I can’t go to the match and cheer the lads on.

How do you feel about Mike Ashley?

(A) He is the devil incarnate, eternity in purgatory is too good for him, he has crapped all over the history and traditions of NUFC to make money.

(B) He runs the club to generate money and advertise his other interests, he has no interest in improving the football team.

(C) He’s certainly made mistakes, he’s admitted them, and we should see how the summer goes.

(D) We need to forget the past and embrace the future together, only then can we be successful.

(E) He saved the club from financial ruin you ungrateful bastards, we were definitely going to be the next Leeds, show some respect.

newcastle fans

If you answered mostly As

You are a rabid revolutionary who lets their hatred cloud their better judgement. Nothing will be good enough for you other than multiple relegations and Mike Ashley’s head on a stick.

Delusion rating 1/10

If you answered mostly Bs

You are a realist with a penchant for pessimism. You maintain interest and affection for NUFC but you don’t really expect anything other than the worst from every given situation, after seeing the club pull defeat from the jaws of victory so many times.

Delusion rating 2/10

If you answered mostly Cs

You make fair and reasoned arguments for and against, you balance opinions and sit on many fences. Your favourite flavour of crisps is ready salted, your favourite biscuits are Rich Tea.

Delusion rating 5/10

If you answered mostly Ds

You walk on the sunny side of the street and see the positive in every situation, your positive attitude is both infectious and annoying in equal measure but I bet you’re the kind of bloke who brings his neighbour’s bins in for him.

Delusion rating 8/10

If you answered mainly Es

Your steadfast refusal to accept reality is verging on mental illness  and you face a lifetime of disappointment, wearing Diadora tracksuit bottoms and a Lonsdale hoodie which you bought with your Wonga loan from Sp**ts Direct.

Delusion rating 10/10

  • LeazesEnder

    Well I’m definitely (B) ……. and Lee Ryder is an (E)

  • lupamac

    i wanted to put maily A,s , the little voices in my head made me  go E…. can i have a hoodie with Che Guevara on it

  • Duke Fame

    Hmmmm, not very funny and the point the author is trying to make is narrow-minded and judgemental.

  • ArtyH

    B’s for me…….;)

  • Alexh1984

    How do you rate this article?
    A, Embarrasing
    B, same old nottsmag
    C, amazed the mag continues to post these ramblings.
    I can’t stand Ashley as much as anyone else but these rants that constantly dig at fellow fans are pathetic.

  • gavinv1972

    LeazesEnder Ryder has two E’s in his title, one in Bell and one in End

  • RaySte

    I got F: less deluded than the bloke who’s been telling us we’d never sign a player over £10m all month.

  • Adam_B

    Duke Fame  Oh come on, it’s summer….where’s your sense of humour? Notts Toon put a lot into this and it made me smile, not everything here has to be full on serious!
    He even makes an interesting point  – hadn’t you noticed that the whole world seems to think all Newcastle fans are deluded? For just a wee town in the north that never wins anything HOW DARE WE expect our team to ever compete against the precious teams favoured by the only people whose opinions matter? NUFC and its fans should just climb into a hole, know their place and provide 6 points a year to the CORRECT teams. A little like the Labour Party after the economic crash, we are (with the help of one Mike Ashley) being compelled to accept a particular narrative as FACT from those who would do us harm. I for one don’t buy it.

  • LeazesEnder

    Alexh1984 You’re an (E) arent you?

  • Alexh1984

    Most certainly not but the more people like this poster continually ram the view that anyone who wants to just watch football is an Ashley supporter the more E’s will develop.

  • LeazesEnder

    Alexh1984 Ah a soccer fan….

  • NottsToon

    I could have written these responses myself ha ha. Frightening how well you get to know the “usual suspects”, and it’s great to see evidence in action bwahahahahaha .

  • Alexh1984

    Not quite, although I do like watching football. What I don’t really like is ranters who do nothing but moan behind a computer.

  • Chemical Dave

    Don’t cry Duke.

  • Chemical Dave

    Mostly b for me but struggled to give a category for the last question as “you hope he dies in agony” wasn’t an option.

  • NottsToon

    Duke Fame Hey Duke, I’m taking the piss out of you just like Uncle Mike does. Can have some free money as well please ?

  • NottsToon

    Alexh1984 That’s the spirit Alex, start your own quiz. Well done buddy, thumbs up.

  • Jarra MIck

    I’m a B but have aspirations to be a C. I would love to sit on the fence every now and then instead of the doom and gloom I’ve been saddled with.

  • lupamac

    deluded my ar$e  .. already collecting my air miles.  last time i did this  i got to the Isle of Man tourney V Blackburn

  • jimblag

    Alexh1984 I thought it was quite amusing

  • LeazesEnder

    Alexh1984 The keyboard is mightier than the pen….

  • amacdee

    Alexh1984 You do recognise the true irony of that comment ? (Oh wait havent I said that before ????) 

    Alex m8 if you dont like the doom and gloom then write something else and post if like all the other guys/gals do. Make an effort at least

  • amacdee

    Duke Fame Funny that Duke there I was thinking that it’s you who is narrow-minded and judgemental ;-)

  • amacdee

    Oh to be an E…………

  • NottsToon

    Even a stopped clock Raymond.

  • Happyharrys2011

    Somewhere in between A and B.
    Although let’s hope by the end of the season I’m an E!!!
    Facking Hell I’m deluded!!!

  • Duke Fame

    LeazesEnder “The keyboard is mightier than the pen….” the irony

  • Duke Fame

    Adam_B The fact NottsToon put so much effort into this is far funnier than the composition itself. 

    I’m not sure what the Labour Party have to do with anything (but i do share the sentiment that they should never have anything to do with anything ever again but hey ho). 

    Of course we should aspire to be the best we can, we do need to be realistic about what we can achieve and logical about what has happened to date.

  • Alexh1984

    No you haven’t, not to me anyway. I have, on here. 3 or 4 explaining the financial disgrace Ashley as heaped on the club. I’ve also marched, held up red cards, boycotted and joined the sit in last season.
    This is why the regular rantings of nottstoon annoy me. Instead of the above gaining more support he pushes the fans who may join further away. I know many people who are as sick of reading these continuous negative posts that ridicule them for not walking away as they are of Ashley. It doesn’t make people change their minds it annoys them.

  • Alexh1984

    See below, actions are bigger than either. What have you done?

  • LeazesEnder

    Alexh1984 .. if It doesn’t make people change their minds and it annoys them…. bloody good….cretins!

  • Alexh1984

    That’s the easy stance though leazesender. It’s easy to walk away and bash the keyboard to death on here. It takes more bottle to make your voice heard in the real world. Too many are afraid and protests fall flat. Talk on here does nothing.

  • Duke Fame

    amacdee perhaps I am being judgmental, it’s hard not to be with some people

  • Ollie Burtons Grandad

    Good article Notts, quite humerous as well!  Nailed on B here.
    Mind you the funniest thing is the sad bleating of the Wongamen, fancy taking the piss out of Saint Fatman eh?
    After all he has bought us a new player, just one tho; not even a Striker of a bloody Center back.
    No doubt the “E”‘s will carry on with there hissy fits.

  • v0ices

    Ollie Burtons Grandad h e didnt buy him he allowed the club to buy him with its profits from the last window.

  • Happyharrys2011

    Ha ha lol. I love it Ollie!
    It is supposed to be a bit humorous but the pro Jabba group, the “E’s” are very touchy with no sense of humour just like their messiah!!

  • 1957

    I was split between B and C, but could have gone either way if the statements had been worded slightly differently.
    The truth is in my time supporting the club (almost 50 years), except for a short period of time under Sir Bob and Keegan, we have been nothing more than a run of the mill outfit. Some supporters views are coloured by that period which wasn’t typical. As for the best fans in the league, I’m sure there are supporters of other teams who would also lay claim to that, it is though a subjective and meaningless title in the grand scheme of things.
    What we have are aspirations, like every other supporter in the country, but that is translated to delusion by media outlets who have had an agenda against the club since we dared to challenge the ‘top clubs’ in the period I referred to earlier. Until we win something again we will never get rid of the media led deluded tag.
    But even if that day arrives, you would be deluded in thinking Mike Ashley will go, he won’t. The brand will become more attractive and while he might put the club up for sale, the asking price will be prohibitive

  • grahame49

    isle of man in the 80s was fantastic, great banter with fans of other clubs except the high and man city fans allways bell ends at heart. a look alike of me in the one for the ladies section of fiesta led to hero worship by irish lads. also remember the more sober lads having a game of football one morning even monty played I think. I coached with a can in hand and mick from s.shields by my side. I even bought a man u bucket hat and wrote I don support man u I just hate city good times and  an av of over 24000 that season and a huge away following, alsas im

  • NottsToon

    Let’s just say this piece served its purpose in terms of reaction, interesting to see those without humour throw their toys out.

  • LeazesEnder

    NottsToon I’ve just seen the front and back pages of today’s Chronicle…. Steven Taylor Comeback Kid….. my god the front bloody page….. give Ryder his own category (F)…

    ….It can stand for whatever you like!