Delusion is something which all football fans suffer from to one degree or another, though obviously we like to think of it as hope, whilst the rest of the world sees it as simply delusion.
As Newcastle fans we are used to being described as deluded, used to being accused of thinking our club is bigger than it is, and used to rival fans mocking our ‘best fans in the league’ tag. As we lurch from meltdown to catastrophe, under the embarrassing stewardship of a tracksuit salesman from dahn sarf.
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When we think about this well used mocking stick of delusion, we owe it to ourselves as Newcastle fans to consider if there is any merit to these accusations.
So I have designed the ‘Newcastle United – How Deluded Are You?’ quiz:
What was your immediate reaction to Mike Ashley’s pre West Ham speech?
(A) I put my foot through the TV as soon as I saw his stupid, fat head.
(B) Surprise, followed by a steady realisation that he hadn’t actually said anything of any merit.
(C) Quiet optimism, simply by the tone of what he said and the very fact that he stood there and said anything at all.
(D) We’re definitely going to climb up the league next year now, probably Europa League place to start and a decent cup run.
(E) We are the new Chelsea/ Man City, Ashley is our leader
What was your reaction when you heard that Steve McClaren was the man charged with improving the clubs fortunes?
(A) I threw my computer through my TV, FFS! Another failed lower league no mark who had the audacity to turn us down twice already !
(B) A sigh of resignation that things had happened just as you expected, on a budget.
(C) Well, I guess he’s done ok with Boro and Twente, it might be ok.
(D) The bloke managed his country and assisted Fergie, he is clearly a tactical coach and we will greatly benefit from his knowledge.
(E) Steve is the man to deliver trophies, and not just one either. Get ready to dust off the cabinet boys, Cups are coming home.
So Wijnaldum looks a decent player, what difference do you think he will make to the way we play next year?
(A) Who cares, he can’t do it on his own and he’s only here to use us as a stepping stone anyway.
(B) He will probably take time to adapt to the pace of the league, we shouldn’t expect too much.
(C) He has the ability to greatly improve the tempo and ball retention of the team, whilst also posing a goal threat.
(D) He’s class, he can revolutionise the way we play in ways we cannot even imagine.
(E) He’s the first of Uncle Mike’s world class summer additions, who will make us a true competitive force at the very top of the league.
Is Wijnaldum the marquee signing, or the first of many more to come?
(A) He’s a spite signing from the owner in order to try and get some more of the Mugpies onside.
(B) I’d like to think that more will follow, but history tells me not.
(C) More are certainly needed and he seems to be a signing which signals intent.
(D) I expect a couple more high value, high profile signings this summer, plus a couple of younger gambles.
(E) The spree has begun, get ready for another four or five ‘worldies’ incoming for the assault on trophies.
Where do you expect Newcastle to finish in the league next season?
(A) After the owner flogs Sissoko, Tiote and Krul, and we lose De Jong and Saylor through injury, probably bottom three.
(B) Without more significant strengthening we could be in for another struggle.
(C) The new signing and new coaching staff give me hope of upper mid-table.
(D) The owner promised improvement and I think we will get it, we’ll finish top 8.
(E) When the worldies arrive it’s Champions League or bust for the Toon.
Where do you see NUFC in the pantheon of English football?
(A) We’re an embarrassing afterthought, thanks to the classless clown who owns us.
(B) Our star has certainly slipped, I think that there are many clubs who we have considered to be ‘beneath us’ who no longer are.
(C) We’re a run of the mill Premier League outfit, that is all.
(D) Thanks to our fan base and recent history of European competition, we still sit in the higher bracket of clubs.
(E) We eat at the top table only, thanks to the days of Keegan, Shearer and Sir Bobby, we’re still one of the elite.
What would it take for you to turn your back on the club?
(A) I already have, did so a long time ago, I don’t pay to collaborate with the enemy.
(B) The actions of the owner have driven me away from attending matches, I mostly watch at home or the pub these days.
(C) Well I’m pretty close right now but willing to see what happens this summer.
(D) Another relegation would seal it for me going to matches, that or a third coming for Joe Kinnear.
(E) Nothing ever! They’re my team, not the owner’s, and no one tells me I can’t go to the match and cheer the lads on.
How do you feel about Mike Ashley?
(A) He is the devil incarnate, eternity in purgatory is too good for him, he has crapped all over the history and traditions of NUFC to make money.
(B) He runs the club to generate money and advertise his other interests, he has no interest in improving the football team.
(C) He’s certainly made mistakes, he’s admitted them, and we should see how the summer goes.
(D) We need to forget the past and embrace the future together, only then can we be successful.
(E) He saved the club from financial ruin you ungrateful bastards, we were definitely going to be the next Leeds, show some respect.
If you answered mostly As
You are a rabid revolutionary who lets their hatred cloud their better judgement. Nothing will be good enough for you other than multiple relegations and Mike Ashley’s head on a stick.
Delusion rating 1/10
If you answered mostly Bs
You are a realist with a penchant for pessimism. You maintain interest and affection for NUFC but you don’t really expect anything other than the worst from every given situation, after seeing the club pull defeat from the jaws of victory so many times.
Delusion rating 2/10
If you answered mostly Cs
You make fair and reasoned arguments for and against, you balance opinions and sit on many fences. Your favourite flavour of crisps is ready salted, your favourite biscuits are Rich Tea.
Delusion rating 5/10
If you answered mostly Ds
You walk on the sunny side of the street and see the positive in every situation, your positive attitude is both infectious and annoying in equal measure but I bet you’re the kind of bloke who brings his neighbour’s bins in for him.
Delusion rating 8/10
If you answered mainly Es
Your steadfast refusal to accept reality is verging on mental illness and you face a lifetime of disappointment, wearing Diadora tracksuit bottoms and a Lonsdale hoodie which you bought with your Wonga loan from Sp**ts Direct.
Delusion rating 10/10