The Next Newcastle Manager – it has to be Walter White
Now there will be some who read that headline and think: “Walter White? Never heard of him. Sounds a bit Scottish though – is he the manager of Raith Rovers or something?”
And there will be others who think: “Walter White? Yes, I’m aware of the name – he’s the chemistry-teacher turned drug-manufacturing mastermind in the magnificent TV series ‘Breaking Bad’…
….but I doubt he’s a realistic candidate for the job since (a) he’s a fictional character, and (b) I doubt that he has his UEFA coaching badges.”
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The thing is, if you’re reading this the chances are that you, like me, are an addict. You crave the stuff you can only get from Newcastle United.
A lot of the time you’d like to stop – but you can’t. You find yourself thinking “this is just a nightmare – it used to be fun, but it’s no fun anymore – never again, no more.” But then Saturday comes around again and you find yourself mainlining NUFC.
The problem we’ve all got is that Mike Ashley is the only dealer in town.
He’s like Marlo Stanfield in ‘The Wire’. Or Gustavo Fring in ‘Breaking Bad’. He’s got every corner wrapped up. If you want the stuff that you’re craving, he’s the only game in town.
And for a long time now Mike has been exploiting his monopoly position. He’s been selling us stuff which every year just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. But we just keep going back for more, because – well, what else is there to do? We’ve got to have something.
But now I think Mike has a bit of a problem. You see it’s got to the point where the sh*t he’s selling us – well, it just doesn’t get us high any more. In fact, there’s been so little of the right stuff in it now for so long, that a lot of us are actually beginning to lose our addiction.
But he’s got to know that if he just started to give us some of the good stuff we’d be right back on it.
And that, I think, is what his interview before the West Ham game was all about – it was him telling us that, yeah his merchandise hasn’t been so good lately – but just wait – he’s got something lined up and it’s going to blow us away.
If you haven’t seen ‘Breaking Bad’ yet, then lucky you – you’ve got a treat waiting for you. Walter White is the unassuming chemistry teacher who has the technical skills to produce the best meth-amphetamine that anyone has ever seen.
He’s so good that he acquires legendary status – he’s known by the addicts who use his product just as ‘Heisenberg’. He produces the best product, and as a result the drug-kingpin called Gustavo Fring who employs him, is able to corner the market.
Now our Mike can’t make the stuff himself – he’s got to employ the right man to do it for him.
So if Mike Ashley is our Gustavo Fring, the next manager has got to be Walter White. He’s got to be the man who can produce the good stuff.
So come on Mike – get Heisenberg on board – give us the bomb!
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