With Steve McClaren expected to take up the Newcastle job in the next day or two, what can we expect in the near future?

On past form and what we have come to expect from the Mike Ashley regime in general, here are the exciting times we have coming up at St James’ Park.

(To feature like Dale, send in your articles for our website to [email protected])

Apologies in advance if any of the news stories below are treading on anybody’s exclusives in the coming days…:

Stage One:

‘Newcastle United  have today officially announced that Steve McClaren is the new Head Coach at St James Park. The former England boss takes over from John Carver who now once again takes over the reins as number two, Lee Charnley thanking him for the great job he did (in nearly getting Newcastle relegated) in very difficult circumstances (Mike Ashley not appointing a proper manager and selling more players in January instead of buying them).’

Stage Two:

‘Steve McClaren took stock of the squad he inherited and after long discussions with John Carver and the rest of the (same old) coaching staff, emerged to say how impressed he was with the set-up and pleasantly surprised at the strength of the NUFC squad.’

Stage Three:

‘We can reveal that high powered meetings are planned this week for Steve McClaren and the rest of the crack transfer team to identify the signings needed to take United to another level.’

Stage Four:

‘We can reveal that talks went on well into the night as new Newcastle boss Steve McClaren met Graham Carr and Lee Charnley to thrash out the transfer targets he believes will revitalise United’s challenge in the coming season.’

Stage Five:

‘Steve McClaren is believed to have been very happy after the transfer summit and it is understood Mike Ashley is backing his new top man with significant funds, with Charlie Austin top of the list.’

Stage Six:

‘Newcastle United have been rocked by the news that United have been pipped for their top transfer target Charlie Austin, by Swansea/Southampton/West Ham. McClaren though is said to be supportive of Mike Ashley’s strategy of not being held to ransom by greedy players or clubs.’

Stage Seven:

‘Gabriel Obertan is flying in training.’

  • LeazesEnder

    You’ve been here before as well…..

  • geordie4567

    And then of course on September 1st we’ll be treated to lovely tales of top players that we were unable to “get over the line” or the McClaren equivalent of that phrase.

  • Milo79

    I’m just amazed that not everybody sees this coming.

  • fireflyuk

    Quality! Sadly you are probably spot on. It’s important to remember as well that McClaren has always admired NUFC and what a dream it is to be managing such a big club like us,  and he knows what a fantastic fan base we have and that they fully support the team, and it showed that after the west ham game just what the team can do with 52k Geordies behind them. Oh, and how ambitious the owner is was one of the reasons he came here.

    I wonder if he will mention a three/ five/ ten year plan?

  • Americanmag

    Tell me do you want mcclaren to fail or succeed- yes or no

  • Demented_Man

    Stage Eight: Shane Ferguson (or some other) has recovered from injury and will be ‘just like a new signing’.  ‘I don’t think we need to go mad in the transfer market,’ said McClaren.

  • cwtoon88

    Americanmag I think all fans want him to succeed, its just the evidence clearly points the way that he wont be. Better not to live in dreamland and accept the realities of the situation

  • Brian Standen

    I so hope your wrong, but I am 99.9% convinced you are accurately predicting the coming weeks

  • prestondave

    Im laughing and crying at the same time….

  • prestondave

    LeazesEnder Im sure there will be a few

  • kuromori

    Americanmag If you tied up my nan and chucked her in the Tyne, I’d want to see her swim out, but it isn’t very likely. If McClaren can succeed under this set up, then he’ll be manager of the century.

  • Chemical Dave

    Your question doesn’t make sense?

  • TonnekToon

    Milo79 I think most of us can see it coming mate, How many years now ?

  • Wait and shteve

    You could have done the comedy Dutch voice in there shumwhere shurely

  • Wait and shteve



    let the relegation battle commence

  • Bearsize

    Ha obertan’s gonna be the striker we know he can be ;) bless him. Save mike a few quid.

  • NotFatFreddy

    Stage 10: McClaren happy to promote youth.  Next day we resign our new CF and goal scoring machine Shola Ameobi.  We sign former ‘top’ international central defenders O’Shea and Brown.  McClaren happy to use senior coaching members in emergency.  Beardsley and Stone start first game at Sunderland.  Newcastle win 3-2, two from Beardo and winner from Brown.  Fans excited for the first time in 2015, then go on a 15 match losing run.  McClaren ‘resigns’ due to his new hair piece blowing off as he attempted to high five John Carver after Williamson takes out Mourinho as Chelsea go five up in the first 5 minutes. McClaren takes over at Palace from Pardew who are 3 points adrift of NUFC.  Temporary new coach-‘John Carver’ states I am simply the best, then NUFC go on to lose 16 matches without scoring.

    Beardo signs for Barcelona and forces Messi onto the bench.  Ashley says: ‘There are lessons to be learned from all this’.  Pardew is then reappointed with Joe Kinnear rumoured to be taking over from Carr due to his extensive contacts in non-league football in Costa Rica.

    Stage 11:  A demented former psychiatric patient is accused of stealing petrol and matches and setting St James Park ablaze-‘I was set up’.  Fans gather outside the burning embers as Chronicle front page headline-‘Ashey in insurance fraud-hoped to gain millions from Stadium destruction.’ 

    Gazza says: ‘I only bought petrol and matches as I am living rough’

    Sir John Hall:  ‘I only did it for the fans’

    Meanwhile Beardo scores the winner as Barcelona win the Champions League and Palace stay up with McClaren touted as next England manager.

    Looking forward to the pantomime 2015-16!  Let us hope McClaren can do what he did for Boro-win us a trophy so Mr Ashley resigns!

  • Andgeo

    Stage 8 we couldn’t get the players over the line (transfer window shuts)

  • Andgeo

    He won’t be there 3 5 or 10 years. Go with a 6 month plan to start with. He needs two proper centre halfs, a left back and a couple of strikers. Build a team around that and get some results. That is stage one.
    Stage 2 is confining that fat useless Cnut of an owner not to then sell the players and to actually try to build on the positives.