What a disappointing day.  I went along to the match, full of anticipation that we would lose abysmally, hoping upon hope that Carver would mess up his team tactics and all the Newcastle fans could boo him again, that’s my favourite part of going to the match.

I even wore my special lucky ‘relegation socks’ that I wore last time we were relegated in the hope it would bring the players some bad luck and we could finally start preparing for life in the championship, where I so desperately want us to be.

(To feature like Mark, send in your articles for our website to [email protected] – all views those of the author etc etc)

I got into SJP early so I could not buy anything for longer than usual, that’ll teach ‘em, and things were going really well when they read Gouffran’s name out and some other people booed with me, hopefully that will make him not want to come on.  I noticed that Cisse is on the bench, I really hope he gets a game so I can shout at him for not running.

Also, that stupid Geordie Carver seems to have picked 2 other Geordies in the team, what a tw*t, they’ll just try harder than the rest to try and get a win.

There were some real idiots in the crowd who were cheering and clapping when the Newcastle players did something not as rubbish as usual, I even heard singing, I was livid, these people aren’t fans, fans don’t encourage the team to win, they boo them so they can get relegated and everything will be better!

Anita was playing right-back and kept winning the ball and defending well, it’s a bloody disgrace, he’s just trying to force a move somewhere else, no chance son, you’re crap, and I shouted as much, I hope he heard.

Then, like clockwork, on 32 minutes the majestic Victor Anichebe rose like a salmon and buried a beautiful goal.  I stifled my joy, they usually chuck people out for celebrating the opposition’s goals.

I don’t know why, but the ‘fans’ in the stadium didn’t boo enough, they let the players get away with it!  It was as if the fact Newcastle had been on top until that point hadn’t angered them enough!  Had they forgotten the ball hitting the bar?!

Well, just as I was starting to look forward to unleashing my best ‘booooooo’ at half time that jammy slimy get Ayoze Perez popped up and bloody scored, it was a rubbish goal, he scuffed it, it shouldn’t have gone in.  Nobody around me seemed to care, they were all jumping up and shouting, losers, they don’t care about the club.  I sat still, I’m not joining in with that, I care so I just grumbled to myself.

newcastle fans

When it got to half time I don’t know if there was any booing cos I’d gone for a p***, I didn’t want to see any more of that rubbish.

The second half seemed to go on forever, people kept cheering and clapping, it was disgusting.  Cisse came on eventually and tried to do a ridiculous overhead kick, it was miles wide thankfully.  West Brom hit the woodwork again, so close!  If only that had gone in, I could have come home and written about how it was the best possible thing that could have happened, but sadly it ended 1-1.

I suppose that is bad enough, there’s still a chance we could force Mike Ashley out by being relegated, cos that’s definitely what will happen, I know it, and then I can call the box office and tell them all about the potential buyers I’ve got lined up.  I’ve kept it quiet, but I’ve got a really good friend who’s not a businessman, just a rich guy, and he’s from around here which is good.

He’s already told me he’s going to offer that fat cockney tw*t double what he paid for the club so he can’t refuse, so I’ve got all the answers to our problems, I’ve just been keeping it quiet like.

The worst thing about today was that Coloccini kept defending well, even though he definitely wanted to go back to Argentina all the way through the match, I hate him, he’s just been picking up his wages all these years, I’d never let him near my wife, if I had one.

Still, on the bright side, Sunderland won, so there’s still a chance they’ll do us a favour and send us down, then if Boro come up we won’t have to bother with any derby matches.

I haven’t given up hope yet, if we are still in with a chance of winning relegation when it comes round to the West Ham game I’ll be there with my claret and blue pants on hoping Big Sam can bring out that lovely big smile of his when he sends us down and puts the final nail in Mike Ashley’s coffin, which will definitely be what happens.

I really enjoyed the Championship season actually, and I’m sure I’ll enjoy League One if I can help the club get down there, fingers crossed.

newcastle fans

I just want what is best for my club, which is relegation, Championship football, the absolute certainty that that will force Mike Ashley out so my mate can buy the club, or if not then we can get them down a league lower, that would be magic.

I can’t wait to see the look on all those ‘fans’ faces when they realise they’ve handed their hard earned cash over to piggy only to see us in an inferior league with worse players and no chance of coming back up, ha ha, it’s going to be class!


I’m never going back while he’s in charge of course, I’ve already given up my season ticket for next season, there’s no way I’m supporting that bunch of losers.  Obviously if I don’t go to games then I won’t talk about the football any more, that would be massively hypocritical, I may be many things, but I’m not a hypocrite.

No, I will fill my time gardening, or protesting outside, maybe going to B&Q, I might even start going along to the Falcons rugby matches, I hear they are rubbish too, I’ll try to force out their foreign owner and relegate them as well.

Understandably, I won’t contribute to any blogs or write in any fans forums, how could I?  I wouldn’t have been at the match, I’m not a hypocrite.  When my mate buys the club and everything is OK again I’ll come back of course, I like it when we are good.

So, let’s really get on top of the players in the next match, boo as much as possible, make sure the players know how angry we are, try to make them so scared they give the ball away and stuff and concede loads of goals.

Together we can force relegation and everything will be fine, oh, and make sure you try to make those ‘fans’ who keep cheering the players feel really guilty about supporting their team, complain loudly when they clap a player showing effort even if they don’t succeed, we have to make them as uncomfortable supporting their stupid players as those stupid players on the pitch.

Remember, Ashley listens to us, he values our opinion when we boo the players and he’ll be dead unhappy when we go down, we can do it, we can get us relegated if we really try! Ha’way the Mackems!

  • toontom68

    What a tool.

  • Sickandtiredstill

    Has NoBrainer learnt to write articles???

  • Corkyjohn

    A pointless article written by one of the sheep….RIP NUFC

  • SDmag

    Funny guy, enjoy the same sh#t next year if we stay up

  • Sickandtiredstill

    Funny like isn’t it? No doubt the writer see’s himself as a ‘true supporter’ yet even Tony Pulis said after the match-

    “This is an enormous club but it has to get back to being an enormous club,” said Pulis, pointedly. “The only way you can do that is to put a team on the pitch which can compete with other enormous clubs. It’s a wonderful club, a wonderful place and a wonderful stadium. The support’s absolutely fantastic – all they want is a winning team.”.

    I think Mr. Pulis shares the same opinions as the majority of right minded / sane supporters. Plainly this article writer is not one of them.

  • DownUnderMag

    Sickandtiredstill in fairness we would LIKE a winning team….what we WANT is a team that tries.  We may only have managed a draw on Saturday but the effort was much better and that’s all we ask for.

  • Porciestreet

    Methinks he’s actually beginning to see some sense.

  • foggy

    Article sounds like a piss take written by one of Ashley’s pr minions

  • Jarra MIck

    It was Ameobi who tried an overhead kick.

  • Hez

    Got three paragraphs in and gave up on this total nonsense, probably written by a 10 year season ticket holder in a Wonga shirt

  • SGM

    Love it, love it, love it. More please Mark.

  • fromtheheed

    Funny, I can see where your coming from, good Geordie humour. Read a couple of comments about your article and it comes across that some have parents that are not from this reagion, hence their lack of appreciation for your post. I’ve said it before, a lot of fans are living in a goldfish bowl.
    Tongue in cheek!

  • KyleRants

    Amazing piece, :-)
    Now that’s satire.

    Well played.

  • IntravenusMP

    Corkyjohn Ha ha, irony intended?

  • IntravenusMP

    At last, one of these so called ‘fans’ have written an article for the Mag. It’s usually haters only.

  • arran0211

    Well written satire (I hope) – Priceless!

  • NottsToon

    Piece should be renamed the apathetic fan, goes to the game yet claims to want change…..a few of those on here like.

  • Heggers


    Stuff of legends!