Thursday brought news that injury plagued Siem de Jong was ruled out yet again from being involved in the first team.

This time he misses the visit of West Brom to St. James’ Park.

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The Dutchman says that his latest scan revealed he wasn’t injured, this time it is a case of him just not feeling strong enough.

Siem de Jong:

“I’m not injured again, I’m just not strong enough yet. I hope to train again next week and help the team as much as I can the last games.

“I’ve tried to come back as soon as possible after 2 heavy operations. I wish I could have done more!”

However, the following confidential information has been passed to me, detailing the medical specialist’s advice to Siem de Jong to try and ensure he doesn’t over stretch himself on the comeback trail.

Ten crucial guidelines for Siem de Jong to follow:

Check it isn’t windy before leaving the house

Avoid large crowds of people

Don’t walk on cobbled streets

Under no circumstances kick a football

Use both hands when changing TV channels on the remote

Don’t go outside without scarf, woolly hat and gloves whatever the weather

Avoid walking on grass

No running for the bus

Only attempt walking upstairs after proper stretching/warm-up

Don’t wear heavy clogs

If you feel there are any other dangerous pursuits that the medical specialist forgot to add, please feel free to share them in the comments below.



  • TomWatson1

    get shot not rid of but get shot

  • ” Stop having sexual relations,” IF you feel you must have sexual relations make sure you wrap
    Yourself up in lots of cotton wool especially around the thigh area , No more “Geronimo ” jumping
    Or diving from the top of the wardrobe ,” other than that be careful and come back soon we need
    you urgently.” HWTL ,TTB&WA ,GATSR…..

  • truemagpie

    I hope there is no holidaysfor him this summer. He hav enough. He must train alone with his personal trainer throughout de summer and ready for next season (Championship)

  • Demented_Man

    I thought Shola was the most injury-prone player ever, but surely De Jong is in line to take his title?
    Nice work if you can get it, is what I say.

  • foggy

    and don’t pick up your wage packet

  • Geoffrey Stobbart

    Is ‘play football’ one of them?

  • Jarra MIck

    I bet he wouldn’t know what a bus is unless it is driven by a page 3 model and covered in diamonds. Footballers are a bunch of cnuts especially those who are knackered all the time.

  • Andy Brannen

    Bad joke now this # sick note #

  • Demented_Man

    Don’t bother playing chess either.  I’d hate to see you pull a knuckle.

  • jimblag

    The guy had a collapsed lung, give him a break.

  • Demented_Man

    jimblag A break?  That’s what happens when he gets out of bed too quickly.

  • jimblag

    Demented_Man jimblag haha but i’d love to see you perform at the highest level of anything after having that injury.

  • Demented_Man

    jimblag Demented_Man Since having “that injury” he hasn’t performed at any level either.  So we are quits.