The Current Newcastle Team Are Bad, But Not A Patch On This Lot …

Following widespread criticism, the current Newcastle United team have been described by many as ‘the worst in Premier League history’.

With 2 games to go, relegation is still a real possibility and whilst they have won 2 more points than the 08/09 relegation team, there is an argument it was attitude, rather than a lack of talent, that contributed to their demise.

The same cannot be said of the current team, which along with attitude problems, is clearly not good enough, or up to Premier League standards.

But given the fair share of dreadful Newcastle signings over the years, a look into Premier League history shows this Newcastle side could definitely be a lot worse …

GK: John Karelse

CB: Cacapa

CB: Marcelino

CB: Jean-Alain Boumsong


RM: Silvio Maric

CM: Ignacio ‘Nacho’  Gonzalez

CM: Amdy Faye

LM: Albert Luque


ST: Stephane Guivarc’h

ST: Xisco

ST: Andreas Andersson

John Karelse

7 goals conceded in just 3 games (Southamptonand Wimbledon responsible for all 7), is testament to just how awful this Dutch goalkeeper was. Signed as a back-up by Ruud Gullit from NAC Breda for £800,000, Karelse lasted until 2003 before heading back to Holland for a final season with AGOVV Apeldoorn before retiring. Karelse was last seen managing NAC Breda back in 2012.


A legend at former club Lyon, where he won 7 straight Ligue 1 titles, captaining them for 5 of these, Cacapa came to Newcastle with a big reputation when signed by Sam Allardyce. Such expectations were short-lived when it became very apparent Cacapa just wasn’t good enough. Lack of fitness, pace and a long list of injuries saw Cacapa head back to Brazil in 2009. Most recently manager of Brazil under-15s, Cacapa was sacked in February 2015.


A £5.8m signing from Mallorca in Spain by Ruud Gullit, it is almost unbelievable that he won 5 caps for the Spanish National Team. 17 appearances in 4 years saw Marcelino spend more time on the treatment table than on the pitch, even though on many occasions, the Newcastle medical team couldn’t actually find anything wrong with him. 2 months out with a snapped finger tendon is testament to Marcelino’s pathetic excuses in order to play as little as possible, whilst picking up a sizeable wage packet.

Jean-Alain Boumsong

What persuaded Graeme Souness to spend £8m on this French flop is anyone’s guess, especially after Rangers signed Boumsong on a free transfer only 6 months earlier. Such was the bizarreness of the deal, it was scrutinised by the Stevens Enquiry, looking into corruption in football. To be fair to Boumsong, his initial form wasn’t bad. But what panned out after was a succession of mistakes, lapses in concentration and partnered with Titus Bramble, probably the worst centre half pairing in Premier League history. Despite his awful form, Newcastle still persuaded Juventus to part with £3.3m in 2006, a mere 47 appearances later.

Silvio Maric

Signed from Dinamo Zagreb after a decent Champions League campaign the season before, Maric arrived with much promise, although slightly overpriced at £4m. Flattering to deceive under Ruud Gullit (who didn’t?!), Maric’s worst moment probably arrived in the 1999 FA Cup Final, when he missed a glorious chance to score, tamely shooting past the post. After 23 league appearances and 0 league goals (although Maric did score twice in the UEFA Cup), Maric moved on to Porto before returning to Croatia.

Ignacio ‘Nacho’ Gonzalez

Where do you start with Nacho Gonzalez? Signed by Dennis Wise in his role as Director of Football, it is alleged Kevin Keegan was shown Youtube footage of the player, and despite declaring him not good enough for the team, was signed anyhow. Gonzalez was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Keegan, handing in his resignation not long after. In the 2 appearances Gonzalez made for Newcastle, it was clear he was not up to scratch. A serious achilles tendon injury meant he never played for Newcastle again. Despite only being a loan signing, and playing only 2 games, Gonzalez’s impact on the club as a whole was huge, instigating events that eventually led to the 08/09 relegation.

worst ever newcastle team

Amdy Faye

Another player to arrive under Graeme Souness’ expert eye for dross, the clumsy Faye signed from Portsmouth for £2m, arriving in January 2005 at the same time as Boumsong and Celestine Babayaro. Just 31 games later, and having played in a variety of unfamiliar positions, Faye was sent packing to Charlton for an ill-fated spell. Another signing to be investigated by the Stevens Enquiry, should Souness return to football management his transfer record should be enough to unsure he never assumes responsibility for a cheque book ever again.

Albert Luque

Once describe by Jose Mourinho as ‘the one that got away’, Luque arrived for £9.5m with an excellent reputation as an up and coming talent, following a successful few seasons at Real Mallorca and Deportivo la Coruna.

Famous for a chant derived from scoring the 4th goal in the 4-1 derby success, whilst Luque was unlucky with injuries he just couldn’t deal with the pace of the Premier League. Sold to Ajax after 21 league games and 1 league goal, the Luque transfer from Deportivo to Newcastle was another investigated by Lord Stevens. Retiring at the age of 33, Luque never quite recovered from his ill-fated spell at Newcastle.

Stephane Guivarc’h

A World Cup winner with France in 1998, Newcastle fans had high hopes for a player signed prior to the tournament. 21 goals in 32 games for Auxerre the previous season was impressive, and when he scored on his debut against Liverpool, expectations continued to rise. However, Guivarc’h only played 3 more times for Newcastle and was sold to Rangers in November 1998 for £3.5m.

Some could argue he was not given a fair chance, and went on to win the treble with Rangers in his first season. However, reports emerged that quite a few Premier League clubs scouted Guivarc’h previously, including West Ham, who had decided he lacked the physical presence and talent to succeed in England, They weren’t wrong.


Another Dennis Wise gem, Xisco arrived from Deportivo for a fee of £5.8m and on astronomical wages of £50,000 per week. Quite why or how he managed to wrangle that amount of money, especially under Mike Ashley’s rule, is a feat in itself.

Another who scored on his debut, against Hull City, Xisco only made 9 appearances for Newcastle. He was shipped out back to Deportivo and Racing Santander, where he even struggled in the Spanish Segunda. After 5 dreadful years, and millions of pounds in the bank, Xisco left for Cordoba on a free transfer.

I once saw Xisco at Ibiza Airport, drinking a pint by himself whilst Newcastle were playing Sunderland in the league. Not out on loan at the time, and still very much a Newcastle player, it appears he couldn’t even be bothered to watch Newcastle, never mind play for them.

Andreas Andersson

Capped 42 times by Sweden, Andersson arrived at Newcastle following an indifferent spell with AC Milan, where he played 13 times, scoring just the once. Prior to Milan, Andersson’s record in Sweden was pretty impressive. 32 goals in 39 games for IFK Goteborg is not to be sniffed at.

Kenny Dalglish saw fit to spend £3m on the Swede, but 4 goals and 27 appearances later, Andersson returned to Sweden to join AIK. Retiring at the age of 31 due to injury, you always felt with Andersson that there was some talent there, just we never saw it. He came out of retirement in 2010 to play for Swedish minnows FC Andrea Doris, where remarkably, he is still playing today at the age of 41.

Honourable mentions: Titus Bramble, Des Hamilton, Lionel Perez, Michael Owen, Jon Dahl Tomasson

So next time you put your head in your hands, wondering if a Newcastle team could any worse than this, remember … it can get a whole lot worse!

Can you do  better? Suggestions welcome in the comments below.

City Hall Gifts -

  • LeazesEnder

    What’s Nile Ranger up to today?

  • DonDickson


  • SamBrown3

    I Think Williamson Should Be In There, The Guy Is Technically The Worst Footballer We Have Ever Had To Watch! Along With Bramble And If Nacho Makes It, So Should Chunky. Rivierre Is Defo A Top Contender, All Three Strikers Mentioned Have Scored More Than Him!

  • LeazesEnder

    DonDickson The Mag runs a weekly report on the goings on of one of the finest players ever to wear black and white stripes.

  • ThirtlesHead

    This has been taken out of context though, as not all of those players were at the club at the same time.

    The current “team” of available players, is the worst I have ever seen. 

    Granted we improved against West Brom but the current crop are simply not good enough.

  • DonDickson

    And there was me thinking the name Nile Ranger was to do with some sort of Gangster,,oh no my mistake that was Kool and the gang Gangsters Paradise..any relation perhaps??

  • Demented_Man

    LeazesEnder Searching vainly in his fridge.

  • Andgeo

    OMG!! How could you leave Williamson out??
    My worst would be:
    1. Jak Alnwick
    2. Marcelino
    3. Boumsong
    4, Kevin Scott
    5. Williamson (c)
    6. Amdy Faye
    7. Obertan
    8. Des Hamilton
    9. Shola
    10. Rivière
    11. Gouffran
    Manager – no manager i.e. Current situation
    Best toon 11 would be:
    1. Given
    2. Janmaat
    3. Beresford
    4. Albert
    5. Coloccini
    6. Lee
    7. Beardsley
    8. Cabaye
    9. Shearer
    10. Ferdinand
    11. Ginola
    Manager – Keegan of course
    The team above cost less than £50m to assemble and would absolutely destroy the current incumbents apart!! Ashley hasn’t got a clue

  • Mister Tee

    I’ll always remember sitting in Bourgognes watching Anderssons debut away to Villa (I think?) and telling my mates that we had a decent player on our hands here.
    He looked quick and skillful (although at the time so was I compared to Ian Rush) but it became very apparent he could barely stay on his feet very long.
    What was the game he was clean through on goal but then tripped up, the ball bobbled past him and the goalkeeper and I think it hit him on the back and went in?
    I’m sure he celebrated like he had just scored a raker.

  • Tonytoon

    If anyone seriously believes this is anywhere near the worst team ever then they have very short memories or are 12 years old.

  • Mister Tee

    Think its based on Premier League players only.
    “But given the fair share of dreadful Newcastle signings over the years, a look into Premier League history shows this Newcastle side could definitely be a lot worse …”
    Even if it wasnt they would still struggle against Brock, Stimson, Fereday, Pingle, Megson etc

  • toon tony

    Nile was last seen in Aldi ‘s . Hoping to fill his FRIDGE. !!!

  • toon tony

    A lot of bad players there. …but a worst 11 of players who played TOGETHER. ..this current crop would take some beating (8 on the bounce actually ).

  • TonnekToon

    You’d weep if you we were given that shower of sh**e in the summer .

  • DonDickson

    Billy whitehouse has to be in the side surely

  • DonDickson

    surely Billy (the Builder) Whitehouse would make the team

  • Pedrothegreat

    Jon dahl Thomasson, went on to play well for other teams, but he was terrible for us. deserves a mention

  • wearethenorth

    I would definately take any of those centre backs over Mike Williamson .

  • alreet

    Georgi georgiadis? Dont know where came from or where he is now but wat a pile of bo***x.

  • LeazesEnder

    Andgeo I liked Pav the fifth Beatle in goal

  • Toon Magpie

    We have the best coach in the league and he can’t get the best out of this lot, we have no hope, doom impending, relegation coming soon.

  • Mark Brooker

    If its just the tippy tappy premier league then yes i think it is the worst collection of players at nufc. If you go back to real football pre premier league then surely Frank Pringle has to be up front he really was out of his depth!!

  • IndianToon

    Willo and Gouffo not there in Toon’s worst XI ever is blasphemy….

  • onlyonedino

    Andgeo No Asprilla?

  • Wendy Tasker

    there is a long list of crap players …maric, andreas anderson, guivarch, viani, pinas…yes think thats the correct spelling!!!

  • Drumbo

    You need Woodgate in there, he even made Bramble look like a footballer when they played together.