John Carver, what can I say…?

We’d heard it all from him this week, how he had surprises lined up for Sunderland and today was going to be the day.

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It’s like expecting you are going to win the lottery each time you put it on, if you think that you are going to get anything different from the latest ridiculous decision (Carver’s appointment) by Mike Ashley.

I thought I had seen at all with Alan Pardew’s smarmy pre-match press conferences – soft questions clearly vetted by the NUFC press conference and nothing awkward asked about the shambles of previous matches.

John Carver talked a good game but it was the same clueless tactics from him and his clueless backroom staff.

Is there seriously any other Premier League club with such a feeble total of top level management and coaching experience as there is at St. James’ Park?

You could have wrote the script today, in fact several people did on The Mag website this past week!

A 1-0 final scoreline but it was desperate and could & should have been more.

United lined up with Ayoze Perez stranded alone up front, having the thankless task of trying to hassle the opposition back four by himself as the Newcastle midfield were a distance behind him.

The midfield defending so deep they could probably feel Tim Krul’s breath on the back of their necks, no wonder there wasn’t even a vague threat on the mackem goal until the closing stages.

Just like Pardew there wasn’t even a change in personnel or tactics at half-time even though Newcastle were lucky to be only one down to Jermain Defoe’s stunning goal just before the break.

Just like Pardew it was a case of wait until the hour mark and then make an unispired substitution of bringing Riviere on for Gouffran.

I can honestly say that I had totally forgotten that this waste of space was actually on the pitch.

Just like Pardew there was zero urgency until a bit of a charge in the final five minutes and even that was probably more due to the mackems retreating to try and make sure of the win. In truth they should have been out of sight well before then.

Poor Adam Armstrong is then brought on with only three minutes left and John carver doesn’t even use his third sub, no doubt trying to make sure that they only kept it to a one goal defeat.

Two wins in thirteen matches, surely even Mike Ashley can do the maths of what that would mean over a season…

  • Lawrence Cant

    Clueless coach…

  • dude 1

    Words fail me we were c##p caretaker manager c##p bag of shite

  • mrkgw

    Agree with the points raised here. Carver is all mouth and little substance. As we have already said on countless occassions, he is absolutely NOT the man for the job and if Ashley appoints him long term then the club is doomed. In fact, it is already in meltdown – a careless owner, disinterested players, a Chairman who seemingly hasn’t a clue and a so called Head Coach who just doesnt cut it. A recipe for disaster – we can all see it, why are those in positions of influence so blindfolded and cash obsessed? Entertainment thiis is not.

  • Bills frollocks

    Just as well he motivated the team or we would have lost 5-0

  • grahame49

    They just make it harder to be black and white. Shields road bars were packed with mags full of passion no doubt like other parts of the toon. Alas we get nowt in return. It bloody hurts losing today

  • Whitleybaymag

    There is only 9 points in it now with all the clubs below us picking up points weekly we have Liverpool next who will more than likely give us a hiding with a point to prove after this weekend we definitely are not safe a could still be relegated

  • mrkgw

    Agree. Under Carver, we cannot buy a win and his record is appalling.

  • SaveNUFC

    John “The Neanderthal” carver hasn’t evolved. He cannot differentiate football and coconut. It is a disgrace to say “he hoped to be the next head coach (manager)”. If JC has a slight respect left for the club he should quit immediately. He thinks he will try and try again to have any success but by now he should realise “once beaten twice shy, thrice more humiliating, fourth …….bury yourself John”. Please step down. You are killing us. Ashley is sucking the soul of NUFC dry.

  • SheMag

    So John Carver was and is really just a fitness coach. He has no strategic planning ability and no tactical awareness. To be fair to him, which of us wouldn’t have taken a punt at the top job if offered? As usual the blame lies at one door only…the one with Fat Selfish A***wipe written on it.

  • SaveNUFC

    SheMag There is no need to be fair with JC. He was waiting like a vulture to jump upon the carcass left by the hyenas. Who knows he must be begging the fatman to appoint him. Yes Ashley is the culprit but JC is the pathetic dog.

  • ShearLegend9

    Started the match with a defending-minded formation…. oh God………. I honest,y only saw one way tjis match would go, and I was correct. And the performance, hard to find another match by ANY other team who play this bad, not only in a derby match, but in any match…..
    Guti at back in stead of Colback. Perez and Armstrong up front. Gouffy out. Would have been much better with these slight changes. 4-4-2 would have done the job. Easily.

  • Whitleybaymag

    Now having seen the following;

    “If there’s one guy who cares about this club it’s Tim Krul, whenever we’re not happy or we have issues he’s always the guy to deal with it and he acts like a captain,” the Newcastle boss added.
    “Give me Tim Krul any day because he is Newcastle United crazy and if that has gone on, then it happens. We get slaughtered when were not sportsmanlike.
    “When you see skill, you have to accept it.”

    Do us all a favour and resign professional respect yes we all get that John but having a laugh at half time with the fella who’s just put one past you in a derby sums it up really,.even worse Krul had waited back to applaud defoe on his effort instead of getting his sorry butt into the dressing room at half time

  • Peter Nealon

    Clueless fans…….keep turning up…….Ashley keeps taking the piss

  • Billy Goat

    Carver is absolutely clueless that is too obvious , I don’t rate him either as a coach, its embarrassing when we get corners we are totally useless, I always fear we are going to get caught on the break from our corner kicks. Gouffran and Sameobi  are certainly are not professional footballers.

  • terriertwo

    Instead of going away for a few days on a golfing trip he should have been on the training ground kicking butts. Completely clueless. Sissoko captain? out of his depth. No motivation, first shot on target in the seventy eighth minute. Perez up front to try and deal with the high balls. Gouffran,  Ameobi,. Cabella. useless. Jonas lovely fellow he may be but did nothing. Thank god we have points on the board otherwise we would be favourites to be relegated. Wish the season was over and then lets have big changes in the summer.

  • Phildene

    1957 We don’t want him to get the job BUT Ashley will surely give it to him as Carver’s already on the wage bill and is another pathetic gobshite. 

    We’re lucky it was only 1-0 as maces should’ve been out of sight!   and think Krul’s going to wish he’d never shared pleasantries with Defoe!

  • GToon

    Whitleybaymag Nah, they (Liverpool) are missing quite a few players due to suspensions but will probably still win with one of the penalties they get every game. Don’t think they will hammer us though. It will probably just be 4-0.

  • Brownale69


  • Brownale69

    Whitleybaymag Can you imagine Barton, Shearer, Nolan giving him a pat on the back at half time?

  • LeeSpoor

    I hope we go down and stay there. Its the only way to get rid of the fat man. No tv money. 25000 empty seats…… better than playing for 17th every year.

  • toon tony

    We need to rid our club of the FCB. How anyone can turn up and support this s#ite week in week out is unbelievable .

  • jarra lad

    The sheer incompetence of the idiots who run our club is astonishing. It has been obvious for ages that we need to sign a top-class centre half but we don’t, so we end up playing one of our best attacking options (Janmaat) out of position in the centre of defence. Likewise it was clear that we could not afford to let Santon go in January without replacing him, so thin was our defensive cover, yet they did and so we end up playing our most consistent midfielder (Colback) at full-back. Worst of all we have all known for ages that we have only one “proper” striker who can score goals (Cisse) yet we make no attempt to sign another one so we start today’s game with no striker in the starting line-up (Sunderland had three) and only someone who hasn’t scored all season (Riviere) and a young kid (Armstrong) on the bench.
    One final point: I think all this criticism of Tim Krul is unfair and what he did has been blown up out of all proportion, especially by that t*sser Jamie Carragher. No one is more committed to Newcastle than Tim and I don’t think anyone could blame him if he walked away from this utter shambles in the summer.

  • Alsteads

    John just read this and FxxK off you really are the lowest of what we have seen

  • Alsteads

    i didn’t think it was possible to be beaten by the mackems and in a way of previous performances but WTF you have achieved it. You really are a pathetic piece of work and the most sorry excuse of a man to know what you know and be trying pass yourself as NUFC manager/coach/knacker

  • Mister Tee

    Unfortunately, in Carvers own words, he will be here (in some capacity) for the next 5 years unless something “remarkable” happens.
    If we appoint a new Head Coach, Carver says he will just drop down to his coaching role. No questions asked.
    Is it just me or should his position not be questioned also, especially if the new Head Coach wants his own backroom staff?
    Is that situation “remarkable”?
    I don’t think it is.
    Is Carver unwittingly telling us that when, or if, a new Head Coach is appointed then the new Head Coach will be expected to work with Carver and have no say on bringing his own staff in?
    No final say on transfers and no say in your staff?
    This job just gets more appealing doesn’t it?

  • GToon

    LeeSpoor We used to get 20 odd thousand back in the 80’s. The atmosphere was great. The support was great and the team played to the best of their often limited potential. You are right Lee – lets go down, start agin and rid ourselves of the scumbag for once and for all.

  • GToon

    jarra lad Look at Santon now – back in his national squad and playing like the player he once was. Its as if his time with us was some kind of illness that he has now shaken off. 
    A moron with £10m to spend could have an amazing impact at NUFC. We’d have a decent forward and centre half for that much. The mistakes made by owner and staff at this club beggars belief. ASHLEY OUT!!!

  • David Brown

    And still favourite to get the job

  • GToon

    Would we have lost this game if that FCB hadn’t banked the money but had held on to Nolan, Barton, Carroll and Perch to name but 4? Would Cabaye have had no influence today? How attractive does the bank balance look tonight? When i look at our team we are miles behind the mackems in terms of quality and basically everything. They have Rodwell and Johnson while we have Sammy and Gouffran. Says it all really and i’m sick of it. They have 3 forwards and we have a young lad learning his trade, a clueless journeyman on the bench (Rivierre) and a local lad not ready to lead the line. Still at least they didnt cost much eh “Mike”.

  • MickAtk

    If the man has any pride and any respect for the club and supporters he should resign. Ruud Gullit was a big enough man to hand his notice in after he screwed up a debry game. Sadly I don’t think JC will follow suit and can’t see the fat f***er throwing him over the side. Thank god we’ve got points in the bag but even so I can see it being a close call come the end of the season.

  • onedavidmccreery

    An utterly sh%t, appalling, embarrassing, dreadful, spineless, pathetic performance that I have seen I a generation. Against a makem side that I would expect my bairn to perform against. Even though I expected a 3-0 to the scumbags I never knew they could be so utter sh%t. The club is beyond the pale and JC just do me a favour grow some balls understand you are just fuc$ING gargabe, let us all know the facts and do one. Even if it is just for my own sanity!

  • Chemical Dave

    Carver, useless as he is, is merely a symptom and not the cause. I’ve said for a very long timethat things will have to get worse before they get better, the alternative is things always being the same.

  • Crawcrooklad

    The Toon never turn up for this match any more, apart from the 5-1 match we always seem to camp in our own half looking like rabbits in car headlights. I predicted 2-0 to the mackems, so at least it wasn’t as bad as I feared, plus they can’t beat us again this season. I’m not surprised it took Charver six hours to play a game of golf, he probably took four hours to find the right golf course, got turned away because he was wearing his shellsuit, then by the time he realised he’d brought the wrong equipment (table tennis bats) and borrowed some clubs from a passer-by, the golf club had closed.

  • alreet

    Its almost like because hes a geordie he should get the job by default. Well john you have alot to learn.
    We need at least one win and a draw to be safe but it will be close with current pap form. We are now second bottom of the form table and sliding down the table. What tosh will the charva come out with now.
    If you are a fan john please fk off and let beardo take the reigns till the summer then lets actually get a proper gaffer in if they want to come to this sham is another matter. Coaches and players want success. Will they get any with jabba and leer sharmley at the helm.

  • Chemical Dave

    Please, not Beardsley… don’t think I could cope with his hoop licking !

  • StephenBowers

    If Hull do become the Tigers and other teams start following suit by choosing new second names, Newcasle could become The Penny Pinchers.

  • StephenBowers

    Or Newcastle Direct

  • Jamiekgordon

    Let’s all blame Pardew…. Ohh hang on let’s all blame Carver. You lot sound pathetic it’s actually embarrassing reading you whinging stupid comments every week. Look at the facts… Rtaylor. Williamson. Jonas. gouffran. Anita. Obertan.Abeid. SAmeobi. rivière and Cabella should not be in a Newcastle United shirt.
    We could have Mourinho Robson Guardiola in charge of our beloved club but if we don’t have the players what can they do?

  • nufcslf

    ShearLegend9 Not easily because the same clueless prick would have still been in charge, but yes a monkey could have got a better response than Charver.

  • nufcslf

    SaveNUFC Sucking the soul out of NUFC and has formed Sports Direct United.

  • nufcslf

    Whitleybaymag I bloody hope so.

  • nufcslf

    LeeSpoor Hear Hear

  • Alsteads

    You’ve completely missed the point fella. The tactics and preparation is the firm responsibility of the management. Whilst the players certainly are limited. Transfers and recruitment again falls under the responsibility of the management. Those players there certainly have enough to prevent the sorry effort yesterday. Sitting too deep, wrong players in wrong positions, maybe using some pace through the middle in support of a kid trying his best against very mistake prone centre backs?? Just a few ideas a 12 year old could see.
    When that very management takes every single media opportunity to show his axxe and in the process patronise and insult our (Newcastle Fans) intelligence then we as Newcastle fans are only too entitled to give it back.

  • tino o

    Where else but under Ashley would the idiot be employed he talks utter shite. He isn’t and never will be a manager and needs to be kept away from team selection tactics and anything else to do with football. I’m finding it difficult to understand why he has been around for so long. I don’t think we’re safe and with him in charge I’m struggling to see where the next point is coming from. A summer of change don’t make me laugh while Ashley has a grip on this club things will not be getting better. How much longer before we can become a football club again? ? Ashley out! !

  • Mister Tee

    Pardew and Carver have to take some of the blame for where we are now.
    Pardew has been telling everyone about how proud he was of his work at Newcastle United but, as your comment suggests, we have been left with a squad of players who there are serious questions about.
    Ashleys fabled policy of buying young, talented players before they are well known isn’t really working is it? How many players have we bought in and made a profit on in the last few years?
    Demba Ba?
    What about the others we’ve sold, loaned or let go for losses?
    Ben Arfa?
    What about the ones who are here who will never achieve anything with us or have deprecciated in value due to the “coaching” of Pardew and Carver?
    Ryan Taylor?
    Steven Taylor?
    De Jong?
    Sammy Ameobi?
    The current Golden Child is Sissoko but can you see anyone paying more than £10million for him? He will not bring anything like what we got for Cabaye, he has his moments but he is not that good.
    The problems run deep but Pardew and Carver are not blameless.
    Carver is here for the next 5 years unless something “remarkable” happens so I look forward to him and the players manning up and proving all the people moaning wrong.
    But I’m not gonna hold my breath.

  • Jamiekgordon

    Do you not think he might only be installed until the end of the season? He did not sign a 8 year deal, it’s not his fault he got the job we all know he is not good enough but we said that about Pardew and all the others. You can not blame carver for yesterday we had rtaylor Jaanmat willow colback as our back four and only conceded because of a wonder goal.
    What do you actually want?
    Who should we get as a manager?
    What team would you of played yesterday?

  • Jamiekgordon

    Like who? We don’t have messi and Ronaldo on the bench…..

  • Mister Tee

    What do we actually want?
    How about a club run for the benefit of making the football team better?
    How about a boardroom team or team of executives pushing each other to put in place a framework to allow us to entice a manger like how Southampton managed to capture a world class figurehead like Ronald Koeman?
    How about we buy some players to complement the team not just because we think we can turn a profit on them?
    How about the coaching staff instill confidence, technique and composure into the players?
    How about we threaten from set pieces?
    How about we think about the fact that players get injured and suspended during the season and try not to leave ourselves woefully short of players again?
    How about we sign another CB instead of relying on THE SAME PLAYERS WE HAD 5 YEARS AGO!!??
    How about our owner comes out and speaks to the fans once in a while instead of hiding behind his staff?
    How about we turn up in a derby game once in a while?
    How about trying to finish above the likes of Stoke, Crystal Palace, West Ham, Swansea etc?

  • Jamiekgordon for 500 quid a year, we have a right to moan

  • Jamiekgordon

    Pardew and carver did not sign any of them players….
    Graham carr signed them!
    No one ever moans at the coaching pardew done with Cabaye Ba and arguably Sissoko
    Does anyone remember the football we played when we finished fifth?

  • Mister Tee

    Should we need to bring on Messi or Ronaldo to beat, or at least have a go against a woeful Sunderland team?

  • Alsteads

    Jamiekgordon We don’t Jamie but as much as it pains me to say it using Obertan as someone to push on their centre backs through the middle and turn them would of been a handy tactic and may have released some of the pressure on us. Low and behold it may of been a surprise tactic!! Heaven forbid us coming up with a surprise tactic, only other teams are allowed to do that against us. To do this though we would of had to play higher up the pitch as the mackems aren’t exactly blessed with pace. The fact is our pxxs poor tactics made them look a good team yesterday. It was as if he (Carver) was just hoping it would come good at some point? Even the most limited managers with limited players come up with the goods tactically now and then. Sean Dyche has done it more than several times this season at Burnley. If we can’t even compete at that level then despite all Carvers blustering and waffle he really is going to deservedly get an earful every time he opens his trap. If these so called managers are going to take a wage from FCB and not stand up to him come out and patronise fans then its gloves off fella. Most managers can argue their point with fans for one reason or another, unfortunately every single thing Carver says falls apart.

  • Mister Tee

    Ha ha!
    Yes we finished 5th didnt we?
    I hadnt heard that for a while, not since Pardew left anyway.
    We finished 5th in 2012, nearly 3 years ago now.
    Cabaye and Ba are possibly the only players we have turned a profit on since this new way of buying players and for what? To replace them with Riviere and Sissoko?
    Sissoko flatters to deceive and it was annoying listening to Niall Quinn yesterday (not that it is never annoying listening to Niall Quinn) going on about how big and strong and powerful Sissoko is and how he is unstoppable when he gets going. He does not do it enough and maybe, just maybe, his confidence has been disrupted by Pardew playing him in an alien position for most of his time in England.
    Correct me if I’m wrong but the club want a Head Coach to get the best out of the players provided to them, as they wanted Pardew to do if (as you say) he wasnt in charge of buying them, and I would argue that, 2011/12 apart, he didnt really do that.
    I’m not overally happy that in the last 5 years we have only seen, in your opinion, 2 (maybe 3) players fulfill any of their potential out of the hundreds we must’ve had run through the club in that time.
    We, as a club, are reluctant to spend any money other than what we bring in from sales so it is important we turn a profit on players and we aren’t really doing a lot of that possibly because the players are stagnating due to coaching.

  • Jamiekgordon

    Your choice to pay £500 to watch a club that has no interest in cup competitions and only wants to finish above the relegation zone. That’s not pardew or Carvers fault

  • PhilYare

    Jamiekgordon remember when keegan was forced to play allardyce’s junk? did he play the same tactics as allardyce? did he f**k. He decided that the team was too negative to escape relegation and decided to play Martins, Viduka and Owen (excuse me for saying his name) in the same team – wow a breath of fresh air

    if its not working and never has the worst thing a manager can do is do exactly what has been done before

    If we had played Armstrong, Riviere and Perez from the start would we have lost 17-0? no we wouldn’t have, we would have give ourselves a much better chance of winning the game

    We want a team that doesn’t embarrassingly lose 5 derbies in a row (how many goals have we scored in them 5 games?)

    We need somebody who has the balls to say it how it is… if somebody is happy to be a puppet then they deserve to be ridiculed (which ultimately leads us to the bigger problem of MA) somebody who has the guts to CHANGE things, to take the game to the opposition from 1 mins not 45 mins, not 60 mins or 75 mins
    the squad and personnel are pathetic, but it seems it has been good enough for pardew and carver, they think its fine we have division 2 players (1 centreback and 2 midfielders certainly)

    We can attach carver blame (as well as all the other negative factors at newcastle at the moment) because he fed us the usual pre-match BS and didn’t do anything different to the other examples of countless failures

    The club is infested top to bottom.  Your either against it or you are BLIND or simply don’t care enough

  • PhilYare

    Mister Tee well said sir. the stupid question that always irks me is “who is he meant to pick?” 

    surely it is the managers responsibility to tell the chairman that these players are not good enough and seek adequate replacements – then if that is not possible to communicate that clearly to the fans

    instead we are stuck for years and years with square pegs in round holes with a puppet telling us other wise. spineless individuals employed by a creep

  • PhilYare

    Jamiekgordon parhaps it was Ben Arfa’s fault? imagine he had played yesterday? we would have lost 8-0?

    IF BEN ARFA, MARVEAUX AND SANTON had played we’d have played better. FACT

  • SGM

    Funny that. just what they said  about Pardew.

  • Toon Magpie

    I never wanted him.

  • Toon Magpie

    SGM They are right about Carver.