Newcastle United have today released details of how supporters can buy tickets to watch the team training (fans pictured above queuing earlier today at the box office).

Never one to miss a trick, Mike Ashley has spotted this chance to add another valuable revenue stream and is even considering selling season tickets.

As a concession to supporters lucky enough not to be able to afford to watch Premier League matches at St. James’ Park, the Newcastle owner is even prepared to allow fans to buy tickets to watch training without paying £35 for a membership.

This will be the case even when Newcastle are training ahead of premium matches against the likes of Manchester United, Arsenal and Sunderland.

In the lead up to this groundbreaking scheme being announced, Mike Ashley left it to his Head Salesman, John Carver, to do the sales pitch:

“I would love to show you clips of our training sessions – you would actually think there was nothing wrong.”

“We had a group of people in this week, sponsors, about 20 of them, through the week, they couldn’t believe what they were watching – that’s how good it was.”

They don’t see what I do…:

“It could be ex-players, pundits, whoever (ED: Everybody?) it is, that is their opinion and they are entitled to do that but they don’t see the work we put in.

“They don’t see what I do on the training ground preparing the team but the people on the inside do.”

*** The quotes above ARE real from John Carver yesterday, unbelievable.



  • Maximus Moose

    How low is the scumbag Ashley going to get & some mugs are actually paying it
    Are we the Biggest idiots in the UK ? 
    Ashley seems to think so

  • Demented_Man

    Are those people actually PAYING to watch those losers train?

    Human gullibility never ceases to amaze me.

  • Steve1221

    How big of a mug are you taking this article seriously
    One of the biggest idiots in the UK?
    I think so

  • Paul A

    Look at the picture guys. Not exactly modern attire is it.

  • philrenner09

    take a close look at the photo its from years ago another load of crap fed to fans

  • Porciestreet

    Are you avin a laff Fatty…? Do you not think you are screwing the fans down tight enuf….? Your gate receipts are starting to drop off so you want some more money from an already beleagured fanbase…?
    There is no level low enough for you to stoop to make money you miserable tight fisted utter waste of a good human being’s fresh air. Your’e detestable……..!
    HWTF…Fatty oot  ASAP.

  • PeterRobson

    Porciestreet I get the impression you´re not going to be queueing up for tickets then !!!

  • geordieladdo

    More worrying that people are actually believing this than the fact they could do this!!!!!!

  • LeazesEnder

    Carver …“We thrashed the set of yellow luminous cones 3 -2 ‘ 

    One of theirs was definitely offside.

  • Andgeo

    Haha!! What he is doing on the training ground is manifested into performances and results. If the training was good, the performances would be good. If you are practicing playing real football in training but in 5 asides and 7 asides then deploying hoofball and negative tactics in premier league matches without the resources to field 11 proper premier league footballers There lies the problem!!! Numpty.

  • PeterRobson

    Well I checked the date and it´s definitely not April Fools day, Although I can imagine every training session and matchday team talk feels like an April fools trick !!

    Here´s my take on things (just in case this article is genuine and not some wind up): Realising that our teams “Saviour” Mr “I worked with Sir Bobby robson, don´t you know” Carver is, at best clueless, Mr Ashley suggested letting the fans attend the training sessions for the following reasons:

    1. He can bug the barriers and hope to get an insight into what the fans really think.

    2. Using the bugs, he might just realise that the fans watching (all 12 of them) have more tactical knowledge than his appointed head coach and thus employ the tips and tactics he´s gleaned from the bugging session (Highly possible).

    3. Ashley PR machine is high on drugs and played “dare double dare” end result: this article !!

    4. Ashley wants rid of Carver and instead of paying him a severance fee, gets the fans (all 6 of them, the others were Japanese tourists who got off at the wrong bus stop) to vent their spleen at Mr “I´m a fan too” Carver, thus provoking him into a verbal attack on the 4 fans (2 more got bored and left) leaving him open to dismissal without compensation for inappropriate behaviour !!!

    All scenarios are of course fictional (but still highly plausible).

    Of the 4 fans that did stay til the end, they´re names well known to us on here as devout followers of all things Ashley/Charnley/Carver and can be seen actively defending all actions by anyone involved in the day to day running of the club !!!

    Enough from me, I´m off to get my tickets and hope to see you all there !!!!

  • PeterRobson

    Demented_Man in the words of Brian Conley: “It´s a puppet” !!!!

  • StSaud

    Est-ce que je peut bring les boots pour le training kick aboot? Je ne do nothing Saturday so peut-etre je peut jouer numero 9. Ma femme was once sur le train avec Sir Bobby and il a dit if I could stand up without le fall down je peut avoir Shola’s place. Listenez vous Monsieur Carver? Aussi mon chat has dit he would jouer if vous desirez le goalie top class.contre le mighty Swanmer.
    Bon courage au pauvre supporters qui are going au match.

  • ilullissat

    I think fans want to go to an actual game to watch an actual match managed by an actual manager and an owner who actually cares.If they are training better than playing then perhaps they could play their remaining games at the Training Ground.Tongue in cheek!

  • The Mag

    PeterRobson Every day is April Fool’s day at St.James’ Park….

  • The Mag

    Andgeo If any of us turned up with a pair of boots we could look decent if Willo was marking us, or if you were defending against Riviere.

  • The Mag

    geordieladdo Very thin line between fact and fiction at Newcastle United these days. When standards drop so low, anything is possible

  • The Mag

    Steve1221 Maybe a bit like science fiction, it is a window into what we can ‘enjoy’ in years to come…

  • Tony79

    The club is a parody.

  • PeterRobson

    The Mag PeterRobson And here´s me thinking Moderators were supposed to be impartial ind not in the least bit cynical !!
    So it´s a date then ?  Me and you at the training ground !!!

  • Bren.notts.toonarmy

    Picture says it all old cars watch um train nah we want to c thm win n Ashley out I will pay to c Ashley wave good bye to the club ASHLEY OUT

  • kuromori

    JC: “I would love to show you clips of our training sessions – you would actually think there was nothing wrong.”

    What’s stopping you, John? Can’t be fear that your special plans will be seen by the opposition. Remember when Everton caught you out by playing three up front after you spent all week “preparing” for two? Put up or shut up.

    JC: “We had a group of people in this week, sponsors, about 20 of them, through the week, they couldn’t believe what they were watching – that’s how good it was.”

    Name them. Let them say it on the record, because I can’t believe it either. Did they actually see a goal from a set piece?

  • geordie4567

    Is this really happening? And why would anyone bother?

  • Demented_Man

    PeterRobson The Mag I’ll knock your head off.

    Signed,
    John Carver

  • Brown Bottle

    Nothing coming out of Carvedews gob is unbelievable. The blurt is thicker than work-house custard.