Now let’s be honest, there’s no denying it, Mike Ashley is a very clever man. A very, very rich clever man. Hooray!!

But as the old Beatles song goes, money can’t buy you love. Does Mike Ashley care? Probably not, but it’s got to sting a bit when he’s ‘giving it large’ with his Cockerney geeza mates, lavishing them in his private box at St James’ with beer (in a glass glass), free food (hotdogs and crisps) and then walking them out to their padded Sports Direct seats…

“Behold, my kingdom. Behold my peasant minions who pay me their taxes. Behold my….!!”


“Get out of our club, get out of our cluuurbbbbb, you FAT Cockney Bast***…..” (you know the rest) 50 odd thousand people jeering and taunting the Emperor in his new clothes (Donnay Tracksuit).

Does he care? Like I say, probably not, but I can’t help feeling that even by his very ‘clever’ standards he has missed a trick… BIG TIME!! He could have had the best of both worlds.

He could have made a lot of money from the club like he already has done, but he could have made a hell of a lot more if he wasn’t so vain, greedy and pompous like the emperor in Hans Christian Anderson’s (no relation to Andreas Andersson) fairy tale, The Emperor’s New Clothes.  If he had found, or at least attempted to find the balance between making money and giving the villagers (fans) what they deserved, then he could have been (dare I say it), a hero.

(To feature like Martin, send in your articles for our website to [email protected])

Anyone who knows anything about football, knows Premier League clubs need to make money to exist. Owners and investors, buyers and shareholders are all just interested in making money. We know that. We know that Mike Ashley bought the club to make some money. Fair enough, nobody begrudged him that. But one thing that is unacceptable to me is the way that he is making vast amounts of money from Newcastle United with a total lack of respect for us fans, the people who pay him their hard earned money each week. His arrogance and utter contempt for the fans is unbelievable and in my opinion should be challenged by the footballing authorities. But who will dare to challenge the emperor? Nobody, he knows that. He is the emperor.

He has stripped the club of its integrity and its identity, using it as a tool to pedal his tat to the four corners of the earth and as long as we stay in the premiership and get beamed to 200 countries every weekend then he’s happy.  That’s all he needs and wants from our club, advertising. Job done.

Screw my dad, screw your dad, my son or your little nephew who get let down repeatedly every week, watching us getting comprehensively outplayed and outclassed by the mighty Cardiff or Leicester. As long as he can sell Bags for Life in Bolivia he’s happy.

mike ashleyThe club is (and it pains me to say) one big joke. Mike Ashley is having a joke at our expense. He openly admits to not wanting to win ANYTHING. Not even a cup. No intention of doing anything other than trying to stay in the Premier League. Trying? TRYING!!!?? Should we not be trying to beat every team we play? Trying to get as high as we can in the league. Trying and win a cup? Is this not what football teams, or teams of any sport for that matter, try to achieve? Is that not the point in their exsistence? Seemingly not in the magical world of Emperor Ashley.

This coupled with the fact that he pulls the strings when it comes to transfers, effectively ensures we can’t ever win anything even if we want to. Therefore, we can only attract players who want to use us as a stepping stones to a bigger club (Ba, Remy, Cabaye, etc) and players that let’s face it, aren’t actually really premier league calibre (Anita, Williamson, Flipping Ferreyra!!). Buy them cheap, if they are any good, flog them for a profit, buy some more Kangol Onesies. Bish bash bosh!

We still get 52,000 at the games because we support Newcastle United, always have done, always will, and although it is maybe a bit clichéd nowadays, it is still a religion to some. It’s just a shame so many are losing their faith. So many devout followers have turned their backs and are now non-believers. The demographic is changing at the ground, it’s just not the same anymore. People have season tickets and are so dejected and depressed by this regime that they don’t even go to St James’ Park to watch their (Ashley’s) team,  they would rather sit in the pub and watch it. Fair enough, each to their own, but the sad thing is they can’t even give their tickets away because everyone else feels the same.

Anyway, we’ve heard all of this before, 1000 times before. Its depressing, I’m sorry, but what can we do? Protests, boycotts, banners and bed sheets? Not a lot I fear. Whilst the emperor is in power and surrounded by his yes men (Sir Charnley, Lord Carver et al) telling him how great he is and his Kappa trainers look mint, he is never going to loosen his grip on the club and let it breath again.

I don’t know what he is doing to poor old Rangers but it’s not good and horribly all too familiar.

I know many a Newcastle fan is hoping that Mike Ashley’s focus and Empire is moving north of Emperor Hadrian’s Wall but sadly I think not. I don’t think if he had to choose between the two, he would choose Rangers in a million years. No offence to Rangers as they are a proud and massive club (in Scotland), but unfortunately the Scottish Football doesn’t get beamed to 200+ countries every weekend and therefore he can’t spread the word of The Sports Crusades as far and as fast as he can with us. He might pedal a few more Rangers tops in his shops but he’ll be lucky if his Glasgow shops don’t get burnt down at this rate.

But this thing at Rangers just highlights what I’m on about. Why does he have to do it? Why does he have to crush people’s dreams and expectations just to make money? Is £4BILLION and counting not enough for one person? That’s £4,000,000,000 (count the zeroes). And that’s just a conservative estimate. Like I say, why couldn’t he have found the balance and everyone’s a winner?

Imagine, just imagine, that we got taken over by a BILLIONAIRE sports magnate, one of the richest men in the country…. Ah hold on…

Aye, we did. Nightmare as it turns out, not a dream. No fairytale romance for us. But imagine if he had invested? Invested in a quality manager (not just a yes man), invested in quality coaching staff (not just ‘local lads’ & more yes men), and invested in quality players (ones that we didn’t sell if they were any good).  Imagine if he hired top advisors who communicated with the fans, who told the emperor that renaming the stadium was a bad idea, who were able to negotiate better sponsorship deals then Wonga. Just imagine.

It’s not too much to ask for is it? Other clubs seem able to do it, why can’t we? That’s not fairytale stuff surely? Just to remind everyone, (in a Dr Evil voice)

‘We are owned by a multi-billionaire sports magnate!!! Mwuhahahaha!!!’

So why not find the balance? Surely if the club was successful then it would make more money. Speculate to accumulate (Like that one Mike? I also got a BTEC in Business). No, but seriously, if you own a football club, then surely you would want it to do well?

You get more games on Sky you get – more money.

You finish higher up the league – more money.

You get more people buying merchandise both at home and abroad as you increase your fan base – more money.

You have a couple of cup runs (god forbid maybe even winning one) which in turn raises the profile of your club and therefore raises the profile of Sports Direct, thus… yup you got it – more money.

Like I say though, he’s the billionaire businessman, I’m not. He’s probably got a master plan to make him even more money. I haven’t, I’m just fed up with it all.

mike ashleyThe saddest thing of all for me is though, is when people think of Newcastle United nowadays, they don’t think of Jackie Milburn, they don’t think of Gazza or Alan Shearer. No, they think of Mike Flipping Ashley and that incessant Sports advert. But I suppose that’s the point…

Well done Mr Ashley, I’m sure that’s a great achievement for you but unfortunately you will go down in the annals of time as being synonymous with a cheap sportswear firm and the personification of greed. Thing is though, there have been much richer people before you, and there will be richer people after you. Your money doesn’t impress us.

Newcastle United was here long before you invaded and will be here long after you have gone.

So you just enjoy whatever it is you do. Mincing around your castle in your big Diadora XXXL nappy  singing “Who wants to be a Millionaire” perhaps? You just enjoy that big fella, I’m sure you’ve done your family proud. You really are a great man, a great role model, an emperor of emperors.

But just remember these words from the Roman Emperor Tiberius Caeser 42BC – AD37,

“It is the duty of a great emperor to shear his sheep, not skin them”

(or fleece them as the case may be)

You can follow the author on Twitter @MartinPayne17

  • Sickandtiredstill

    Well said that man. Made the point many times that he could so easily have made himself…. almost liked. Nope, he seems to hold us responsible for his own [email protected]@k ups  – Allardyce, KK (with T Mac & Cox), Shearer, Houghton, Pardew and JC. Hoy in Mort, Verete, Jimenez, Llambias, Kinnear (twice) and now Penfold. All his own decisions.
    Richer yes, but utterly despised now for the price of it.

  • mactoon

    Well do what I did. Walk away throw in your season ticket and give the leech no more money.

  • paulmc4084

    Please look up the definition of a Sociopath……………MA is a Sociopath…………….it is a recognised psychological condition………………he enjoys profiting from the emotional exploitation and manipulation of people who feel love…………….remember all that stuff about buying people drinks in the Blue Bamboo…………..drafting in KK and then manoeuvering him out……………………..the man has no shame because he can’t feel shame……………..only crowds of 5,000 are going to rid us of this monster……………….but regrettably that’s not going to happen………….. he’s won because we feel the love………………

  • paulmc4084

    Sickandtiredstill The point is that he gets off on f***ing people………………he ENJOYS being despised………………..

  • Sickandtiredstill

    paulmc4084 Sickandtiredstill Probably. Background story is he doesn’t even speak to his own folks anymore and they lent him the money to get started.

  • AndyMac1

    still get 52,000 at the games because we support Newcastle United”
    47k at the last one. Its going down but slowly, soon we should be
    seeing 45k crowds then maybe below 40k ? Thats the time when Fatman has
    to remember those words from Scudamore which will be ringing in his
    “We must ensure that clubs concentrate on the “number one” priority of making sure
    stadiums are full”
    How Fatman manages that particular miracle remains to be seen ?

  • toastman77

    By all accounts we will have the small mercy of watching the fat one squirm in front of the TV cameras pretty soon when the parliamentary committee haul him across the hot coals for his despicable treatment of the USC workers in Scotland.

  • Sickandtiredstill

    1957 I’m no Allardyce supporter. Included him as part of the “we have to get away from the revolving door of managers”. His own meddling has been a large part of the mess we are in.

  • Rollyp

    The prestige of owning a successful premier league club, lording it over other high profile people, creating envy. Creating a successful sportswear business as well, maybe a knighthood or peerage. Surelyhe would be up for all that!

  • Sickandtiredstill

    Rollyp The closest he’ll come to a sword touching him is up in Glasgow!
    Wonga; USC; Rangers; Parliamentary hearing – this bloke isn’t on anyone’s brownie points list other than SD shareholders (for now).

  • gazchampion

    A brilliant read, mate! You should be on tele with that! Yes, one day it will all be ours again. HTL!!!

  • gazchampion

    toastman77 Yeah, can’t wait for that – he can’t send one of his underlings to that. It had better be on BBC Parliament… gotta record it!

  • mick57

    gazchampion but which league. The parachute payment is huge now. We have to remember lambias” you don’t know how nasty we can be”. Think we will find out soon. We are in deep trouble. Ashley will do to us what he did to usc

  • GToon

    AndyMac1 Unfortunately he will simply lower the price as we all know the gate receipts count for little these days. Thats one area he is pretty good at.

  • GToon

    You ought to point out that when he bought NUFC he was worth just over one billion. Funny how his personal wealth has increased almost 4 times and yet our club as just stood still, along with “the debt” of course…….

  • GToon

    Rollyp Think they will have to be careful when they pin the medal on him – don’t want him going pop do we!!

  • Greggy164

    Its what Ashley does. Buys a business thats undervalued and squeezes every penny out of it.

    Hopefuly he realises that Glasgow isnt worth the hassle

  • Greggy164

    Sickandtiredstill  Theres no doubtabout it. He has the resources to be a God. His history tells you it is never gonnae happen

  • LeazesEnder

    paulmc4084 He hasn’t won … his managers and puppets can’t walk the streets… they skulk in the shadows!

  • Greggy164

    Whats wrang wi Donnay?  Make good golfbaws

  • Greggy164

    And clubs

  • Greggy164

    Sickandtiredstill 1957  IS he not doing alright at West Ham?

  • toonmad1956

    Excellent article – at last, something NUFC-related that made me smile!

  • No Brainer

    Nice pic he looks happy

  • SGM

    Why do writers on this site keep on referring to the famous 52K? Take out the away support, the corporate, wives, kids, city visitors, those who don’t know who M.A. is, those who don’t care, your left with very few people who really want ashley out. Protest is a pipe dream dreamt up on here. tear your tickets up! Do you really think it will make any difference?.

  • LeazesEnder

    SGM Deduct women as well … they don’t count!

  • Phildene

    It’s the likes of this comment which is why ashley is staying. To those who are in this frame of mind: grow a pair and do as Rangers have the guts to do- protest and stay away. How pathetic the fans up here are as they keep churning the same old boring excuses out. It’s like a never ending line. Two sets of fans against each other because one lots woke up to the fact of staying away will have results but keeping on going only keeps the fat man here.

  • Phildene

    Sexist aren’t we! Women pay the same as men and like football the same as men do why come out with such a stupid remark

  • Roddy1012

    Martin, excellent article

  • Roddy1012

    Greggy164 Sickandtiredstill 1957

    No!  Do you not listen/read the comments from West Ham fans?

  • Greggy164

    Roddy1012 Greggy164 Sickandtiredstill 1957  Nope I didnt. Read couple of lines and thought I had got jist of it. Ye dont need to be a tadger wi yer remarks

  • Greggy164

    Phildene  They may pay the same but dont love football like men. Nobody watches women play football

  • Greggy164

    Phildene  I was only cheeky cause Im on the computer. in real life I would never say anything like that to a woman