Day 17 in the no head coach Newcastle United Household, Chief scout Graham Carr is having a cup of tea.

Managing Director Lee Charnley is pondering a very difficult decision, he fancies a cup of coffee but can’t be bothered to get up and get one, so he wonders whether it would be deemed sexist if he asks head of media Wendy Taylor to do it for him.

newcastle unitedAfter wrestling with this major Newcastle United issue for half an hour, Lee gets John Carver to do it instead.

Wendy’s phone rings and after speaking for a couple of minutes she tells Graham and Lee that it is the Chronicle on as usual, asking if a new Newcastle Head Coach is any nearer being appointed.

Lee; ‘Just tell them we’re thinking really really really hard about it this time and give them a few more names off that unemployed European manager database Big Mike sent over, that will give them another week of exclusives’.

John hands Lee his coffee and a couple of chocolate digestives and asks; ‘Am I doing a good job boss, do I have a chance, howay man I love this club’.

Lee; ‘Don’t you worry, Mike texted me yesterday saying if he’d closed his eyes it could have been Pards at that press conference, says you’re a diamond geezer, he reckons there’s another couple of bags of sand in it for you, if you can keep it up to the end of the month’.

John; ‘That’s cracking boss, the wife wants a new three piece suite so a couple of thousand pounds will come in nicely’.

Lee; ‘No John, it IS a couple of bags of sand’.

John; ‘Oh well, that’s not too bad, I’ll just tell her we’ll start on the new patio first’.

Wendy; ‘Just to let you all know, I’ve had the Mirror, Star, Sun, Independent and a dozen others asking about our transfer strategy this month and wanting a steer on who we might buy, what should I tell them?’.

Lee; ‘Wait a minute, I’ll just get that note Mike sent me with the instructions, here it is – Players coming back from injury, players coming back from Africa, difficult market in January, we believe in our great young players, always looking to strengthen but hard to get players better than we’ve got, can’t compete with Burnley, Leicester, Crystal Palace…Just mix them all around a bit and make it a bit different for each paper’.

John; ‘I’ve got Stoney and Beardo unloading that Champagne out of the van like you asked me to, where do you want it put?’.

Lee; ‘Just tell them to pile it up next to my desk so it’s handy in case anybody puts in the right offer for Sissoko, Perez or any of the rest’.

Time for a break…

(To feature like Sam, send in your articles for our website to [email protected])

  • Moonraker15

    Very good and I’d forgotten we had a head of media. She must have an office in the trophy room ! Hahaha

  • Jarmin Geordie

    Sam “The Fly On The Wall” Hepworth

  • LeazesEnder

    Where are those guys with the ‘Pardew back from the dead’ sign… I bet they feel foolish now!

  • NotFatFreddy

    Lee:  So they say I look like ‘Penfold’ just because I went to Specsavers with my NHS voucher?  Well I’ll make sure they get another ‘danger mouse’!  Mikie is the BIG FAT CAT and only employs mice not men. (Mobile rings) Drat, Micky Mouse is still unavailable due to contractual obligations somewhere in France and the USA, but we still need an experienced coach who can live dangerously just above the relegation zone and suffer the wrath of the fans.  Someone who loves Mikie.  Who wants to be ‘danger mouse’ this time?? 

    Beardo, Stone and Carver:  ‘Me!, Me! and Me!’

    Lee:  Which of you has praised Mikie the most this week in the media?  Joe Kinnear?

    Beardo, Stone and Carver:  Bob Moncur!

    Lee:  Done!  He’s the new coach.

    Wendy:  You mean the driver?

    Lee: No, Bob’s the new ‘Danger Mouse’ soccer coach, that will please the fans as he is one of us. and one of them.  Who wants to be the bus driver, then?

    Beardo, Stone and Carver: ‘Me! Me! and Me!’

    Sky Sports outside the Strawberry 11.30 am: What do you think of the new appointment?

    Fat Fan with issues (never been to a match) outside St James Park: Well ah, nivva received a cal or a letta and on me way to the Dental hospital for noon. (Takes false teeth out of jacket pocket and puts them in as camera looms into his face).

    Sky Sports:  No, I mean your new coach Bob Moncur!

    Fan with issues:  Nivva herd of ‘im, is he French?  Am sure al 92,000 of us will be behind him as we gaan for that Champion’s League spot.  How di yi knaa that ah hav an appointment with the Dental Hospital, anyways?

    Sun Reporter:  This is going viral, global and front page tomorrow!!!  Can you hold this Sports Direct carrier bag!!! @Raining?’… Yes, by all means put it on your head!

    Bob Moncur:  I just want to thank Mike Ashley, blah! blah! blah! 

    Sun Reporter:  No, the picture of this loyal NUFC fan and his interview!!!

    Fan with issues:  Can yi give owa speakin French and tearark Geordie, Mr Monk…ey.

    Camera bulbs explode.  Teeth back in jacket pocket.  The NUFC pantomime continues…but the real fans (50,000) will ever continue you to suffer.

  • Big Kevsy

    journalism rating: 8.5 – would have been 10/10 if offered bigger critcism of Mike Ashley

  • radgiegadgie

    Not very funny at all this article.  That said, it is worrying that there is no sign of a pardew replacement.

  • NatTurner

    RaySte I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic so I’ll respond as if you aren’t.

    Best English manager in the game…  Can you see him managing England?  It would be a disgrace.  Hodgson is oft-criticized but even at 67 I’d take him over Pardew for England and would welcome him to Newcastle.

    Surely we’d have beat Chelsea if he’d stayed…  You must realize what a ridiculous assertion this is.  We had a shot due to Carver’s attacking tactics in the first half.  Even he having been in charge for a minute had the team looking better than it did under Pardew.
    He lead an impressive victory against the league’s in form side…  Spurs are never in form for long and as usual were their own worst enemy.  Did you enjoy watching Pardew the buffoon blowing kisses to the Selhurst Park faithful.  I think our former manager has some sort of Messiah complex and is enjoying his new gig a bit too much.  If he wasn’t so pompous I’d truly wish him the best saving Palace.
    Relegation looms more than ever without Pards…  For Pete’s sake we have 27 points and aren’t going to get relegated.  Are you really that paranoid?  Mike Ashely if all you really care about is staying in the league email me at nathanww26 at gmail and I’ll guarantee you 12 points out of the remaining 51.  I’ll even work for bed and board please give me a shot.

  • Maximus Moose

    radgiegadgie Nobody wants the job Except Charva & Garde

  • Jarra MIck

    How Sam, less of the truth!

  • Steve1221

    NatTurner RaySte “We had a shot due to Carver’s attacking tactics in the first half” you mean the exact same tactics we set out with in the first half at home under Pardew? A game which we went on to win rather than capitulate.

  • Brownale69

    Come on lads give over they are all packing the suitcases for their jolly to Dubai, its a hellova  job trying to get suntan lotion at this time of the year. Ive looked at Primark for shorts and flipflops and they are non existent. so the players and staff need to get the priorities right you cant go into that desert heat without the right kit.
    Unless they have a Sports Direct shop in Dubai? Do they get staff discount?

  • Demented_Man

    Cracking article.  Funny and with the ring of truth – that classic combination.
    I bet Wendy does make the tea, though.  She doesn’t seem to do anything else.

  • A lex

    Day No. 3 without APBWA, Rooney2 and Kilsby. Isn’t it marvellous! !!!

  • RobKilsby

    A lex Waiting for something to happen! Not too hopeful at the moment, but hope I’m wrong!

  • A lex

    Haha – you’re here! Welcome!
    Whether it is signings or success you’re waiting for,; I just hope you’re sitting comfortably.