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Mike Ashley Has Got All His Ducks In A Row For Sale Of Newcastle United

6 years ago
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He’s off, I tell you! Just when we were all losing hope, Mike Ashley is beginning to drop his pants for a last, insufferably smug, contemptuous moon at the Toon.

I’m not going to repeat my impoverished rhetoric again. I’ve repeated myself a lot on this topic, and nobody will be impressed if I rehearse the old arguments either.

Instead I offer these newish facts:

1) The mysterious share movements on the English deadline day.

Shares were traded in Rangers and nobody knows who was doing the dealing. But Toon fans do, don’t we, Mag readers?

(To feature like Wiz, send in your articles for our website to [email protected])

2) All these mysteriously long contracts for clearly average players. Riviere, to name but one, getting a deal that could keep him at Newcastle until he’s thirty (but won’t – it’s to give him a value that bumps up the balance sheet a bit).

3) Long sponsorship deals with Puma and Wonga – nice revenue stream assured.

4) Long (although clearly futile) deals with season ticket holders.

5) Proven average, self-deluding, but fairly competent manager who will not embarrass the owner and will keep us in the Premier League, and on a nice long contract to boot. Stability. Business investors love stability.

6) And now the revelation that Ashley could call Ibrox the Sports Direct Arena at the drop of a hat. Like when he finally owns their club. The present Rangers board are being dribbled around by the ace wing wizard Ashley, whose feet are a blur as he nips around their defences before blasting the bladder into the onion bag.

7) The present Rangers board, incidentally, seem (from a report in the Chronicle) to be under the impression that Ashley can’t own more than ten per cent of the club, because he is a member in another club (Newcastle). This might be the director’s fault, or misunderstanding, or the Chronicle’s, but I’ve had a look at the Scottish Football Association’s Articles of Association. Provided Ashley gets the prior consent of the SFA Board, which he clearly already has done, he can own as much of Rangers as he wants. Have a look at Article 13 if you don’t believe me. Of course, we don’t know what the Board has already agreed to, or what negotiations are currently going on. But they’ve agreed to his present shareholding already.

Come on! Think about it! He’s off! He’s readying the Toon for a sale! He’s got costs down, profits up, he’s got all the ducks in a row, revenue streams stretch ahead into the future, and he’s got a spineless load of zombie lickspittles doing his evil work for him at St James’ Park! He knows Newcastle are dead as a club! Do you think we’re going to put up with useless signings, a mediocre manager, rubbish football, and no ambition for another season?

No! He’s getting out before fans finally revolt!

What more evidence do you want? The end is nigh!

Hurrah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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