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Exclusive – Secret Newcastle United Transfer Strategy Revealed

6 years ago
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Thanks to our sauces within St.James’ Park, The Mag has been passed the transfer strategy planning document that Mike Ashley and Alan Pardew have worked on, in advance of their much awaited meeting to discuss who they won’t be signing this summer.

With next to nobody left working behind the scenes at St.James’ Park, our sauce awaited his/her chance when Kath the tea lady (the third invaluable party involved in drawing up the transfer strategy) popped out to restock at the budget broken biscuit shop.

(To feature like Dean, send in your letters/articles for our website to [email protected])

The sauce quickly copied the following lists of what Ashley & Pardew (and Kath) see as the good and bad selling points in trying to attract new signings this summer;

The Transfer Strategy Wot We Wrote – Why Players Will/Won’t Come To Noocarsell

The Bad

No Champions League football.

No Europa League football.

No Medals.

Uncompetitive wages.

Boring negative football.

Falling crowds.

Have to live in Newcastle and not in that London.

The Good

A very small squad so plenty room to stretch out in the dressing room.

More weekends off than at any other Premier League club allowing you to fly back home, thanks to our innovative cup exit policy.

A stress free workplace with no intention of winning anything.

Guaranteed place in the team as no competition for places.

Access to Alan Pardew and his backroom team’s coaching expertise.

Extra time off once dropped by your international manager, after you have experienced Alan Pardew and his backroom team’s coaching expertise.

Generous allowance of budget broken biscuits.

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