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Newcastle United Sale – End Of Season Clearout

8 years ago

I clicked onto the official website and to my amazement was met by ‘Newcastle United Sale – End Of Season Clearout’.

I knew things were bad but for Mike Ashley to be having a clearance sale at the end of this season is one step further than anybody expected.

Yes he’s been systematically asset-stripping the club of anything valuable, so there is very little left, but to take this drastic step is a new one even for him.

Whether he will reopen this particular branch of Sports Direct in August is unconfirmed at this moment in time but we’ll bring you news as soon as we get it.

In the meantime we thought we’d share a few of the bargains we spotted in this everything must go clearout…

Alan Pardew – Mike Ashley’s favourite parrot but showing signs of wear and tear, increasingly difficult to make sense of what he is saying – Free to good home in London area, must collect.

Hatem Ben Arfa – Top French international and scorer of brilliant goals – Sold as seen due to not being able to find this season’s MOT – £5m/£5 (ONO)

Shola Ameobi – A family pet who has spent many years curled up in front of the fire but now the gas is being switched off he needs new family to house him – Free to a good home.

10,000 ‘Derby Top Dog’ T-Shirts – This season’s stock, cheap and tacky quality like pretty much all the other merchandise – Owner will take a monkey or a bag of sand.

Kath The Tealady’s Trolley – One careful owner but seen plenty of graft unlike most other items – £20

Fabricio Coloccini – Once prize specimen at St.James’ Park Zoo but has taken to recently pacing back and forwards and frequently falling down – Free to caring Argentinian club -small freight (compensation) fee of £10m to pay

200 Tins Of Silver Polish – Mistakenly ordered by a now sacked member of staff – Hoping for £100 but already reserve bid of £50, believed to be from one of the following more ambitious clubs – Birmingham, Wigan, Swansea…

Luuk De Jong – A stray who was taken in after being discarded following the Christmas festive period, his lame condition hasn’t improved and so looking for some other mugs to pay his wages – 200 Euros relocation fee to Germany/Holland

Season Tickets – Once much valued prestige possessions but the NUFC season ticket market has fallen through the trapdoor – Turn up at the back door in June and take away as many as you can carry in your wheelbarrow – strictly no returns!

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