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Mike Ashley’s Alan Pardew Performance Review ‘Leaked’

8 years ago
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Not a lot of people know this but Mike Ashley likes to sneak into The Strawberry for a pint at their quieter times.

He was in there the other day, going through his briefcase, and must have dropped a folder which fell out of sight. I couldn’t believe it when I found the ‘Alan Pardew performance review’ file under my chair. I am going to send it back to big Mike but couldn’t resist having a quick peek before I do.

The only thing in the file was a set of handwritten notes on Sports Direct headed paper, obviously in preparation for their discussion:

Hi Al,

I usually don’t go in for performance reviews; too much time and form filling. I expect my people to deliver or go.  However, you are the only one at NUFC with any public  targets and HR have been badgering me to sit down with you. Let’s start with your objectives for this season:

1.Keep us in The Premier League – job done

2.Keep the press off my back and never criticise me – apart from telling the world I do not understand football, another job done until recently, will come back to that.

3.Get us to 10th in the Premiership but avoid that bloody Europa league – barring last minute cock ups great job, think a nice little bonus might be coming your way

4.Make do with the players we have and cash in if we get any crazy offers – bit disappointed that we had to fork out a fee for Remy on loan and no one came in for Tim Krul. However, we made a shed load of cash with Cabaye; luvlyjubbly. keep it up.

5.Maintain a low profile to minimise media interest – I suppose swearing at Pelligrini and nutting an ex-Mackem at Hull means this challenge passed you by.  Oh, and I expect that £100K from you next pay day

Apparently I also have to fill in a box about your training and development. Bloody forms. You said it yourself, I know sod all about football so I asked one of my mates, a Spurs fan, what he thought. His comments took me back. Here they are:

1.He reckons that you are not doing as well as a glance  at the table suggests. Since the start of the year we have only won 4 out of 15 games.He also tells me we have conceded 29 goals and only scored 10, gaining 13 points out of a total of 45 available;over a whole season this would get us relegated.–the team obviously think you are a soft touch so suggest you spend your summer hols listening to Fergie lecture at Harvard on his theme “How Attila The Hun would have made a great football manager”.

2. My mate says you are a tactical plonker because you only have one system, keep playing people out of position and would rather limit goals against, instead of going for a win – I’ve got a great idea, we’ll get you the Play Station Premier League Manager game so you can try out different approaches in the privacy of your own home.  Let your Tina have a go and if you keep messing things up we could give her a try in charge.

3. He also says you really fancy yourself and feel you are not to blame for the performance of the team, for any of the defeats this year, and have a list of excuses as long as Shola’s goal famine. – I told him that I find you mild mannered and undemanding.  You never challenge me or ask for any money to buy players.  No action needed, just keep this up.

4.  Apparently the Toon supporters are a knowledgeable bunch and he says they’ve got you sussed. I know that they will keep turning up whatever but I am a tad concerned that we could be heading for a rough ride next season.

So here is my plan;   Keep your head down until the end of the season and when Remy and Debuchy bugger off you can say you’ve had enough.  I’ve had a word with Ellis, down the road, who reckons Poyet will be off once they are officially relegated. He says he’s fed up with managers who want to make too many decisions so I told him look no further.

In case you are wondering about your replacement it’s all in hand.  That nice young Lee Charnley, can do your job as well as. Business as usual.

Strawberry Files Forever.

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