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Exclusive – Alan Pardew Post Match Press Conferences A Thing Of The Past

8 years ago

In a shock move the Alan Pardew post match press conferences are no more, the Newcastle manager has revealed that he accepts everybody is sick of him talking the same all rubbish, so has come up with another ground breaking move that keeps Newcastle United as a state of the art football club, well ahead of the competition.

All the media have been provided with the following template which can be instantly filled in after each match, then simply wiped clean for next time.

The Newcastle manager understands the press have a difficult job and is keen to help them communicate better with the fans, thus developing this new innovative post-match approach.

Alan Pardew is convinced it will prove even more successful than Mike Ashley’s initial plan of simply banning anybody who he took a dislike to.

We intercepted one of these DIY post-match Pardew press conference templates, so you can already start filling in your Arsenal one for a week on Monday….

The Post-Match Press Conference Template Wot I Wrote – Copyright Alan Pardew

I thought the players were magnificent today and though it makes it BLANKETY BLANK defeats in a row, I saw enough today to convince me we can get a result next week against BLANKETY BLANK.

As I said in the lead up to this match, BLANKETY BLANK are a very good team who are difficult to play against.

BLANKETY BLANK is a great manager and when you play against one of his clubs it will always be difficult to get a result.

I don’t want to blame injuries but we had BLANKETY BLANK (thinks of a number and doubles it) players missing, so we knew it was a tough ask.

However, I am expecting BLANKETY BLANK of those injured players to be back for the next match and then we can put an end to this disappointing small run after what has been an otherwise glorious season.

I’d just like to thank all of the fans for their magnificent support today , especially the BLANKETY BLANK hundred of you who were still there at the final whistle showing your unwavering backing for me.

I’d like to thank Mike Ashley as always for helping me to put this club in such a strong position and the talented squad you have been lucky enough to watch today, those BLANKETY BLANK extra loan players will I’m sure make all the difference long-term.

It was obviously disappointing we didn’t buy anybody in the summer/winter BLANKETY BLANK transfer window but at least we only sold BLANKETY BLANK first team players.

I’m sure that when our young talent returns from their loan spells, BLANKETY BLANK of them even got a game this week (as sub),  then they will really help to take the club forward as they are our future.

I’d just like to thank Mike Ashley again and if we can just get one or two over the line in the next BLANKETY BLANK years then I’m sure we will surprise a few people.

One of Mike’s other  puppets  has just reminded me of a few I need to blame for our own shortcomings, namely; the Chronicle, BLANKETY BLANK, the fans , The Mag, BLANKETY BLANK, The Pope.

Don’t worry everybody, only another BLANKETY BLANK years of mine and Shola’s contracts left to run…until we get new ones.


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