Perhaps it was inevitable that a club formerly known as East End would continually court controversy. Our very first competitive game under our new ‘United’ moniker – an FA Cup tie against Middlesbrough – led to sackings and suspensions due to a betting scandal. And since then there have been a series of “sensations” which would have provided ample fodder for any soaping scriptwriter.

We’ve had directors stung by fake sheiks, slagging off the fans and suggesting their star striker was a nanny in disguise. We’ve had players who have been involved in all sorts of shenanigans from theft to GBH and accusations of ticket touting. The fans haven’t wanted to miss out either. Good Friday Rioting in 1901, invading the pitch against Nottingham Forest in 1974 and horse punching in 2013. Our managers were reasonably well behaved until JFK’s infamous sweary rant..

father tedNow we have manager Pardew rucking like an antelope with a Tiger. In a season which has already seen our manager blaspheme a bemused Pellegrini, a former ‘player’ in court on rape charges, a current player (falsely) accused of the same, the goalkeeping coach involved in a touchline fracas, where is it all going to end. Tea lady in satanic sex orgy?

So what will happen to Pardew. He has been hung out to dry by the media, therefore the FA punishment is likely to be severe. No doubt he was stupid; but a headbutt? My arse (not literally though please). This definition of the old Glasgow handshake must have Duncan Ferguson spitting blood. Meyler barely flinched.

So, assuming Pardew is banned from the stadium then what can we do. Leave our calm, quiet and unassuming John Carver to patrol the touchline? I foresee problems here.

As we started the article thinking about TV storylines, I think a far better idea would be to use an idea from ‘Father Ted’.

When they were playing an over eighties football game and lost their star striker to death and Father Jack to a severe nighty nighty sleep sleep overdose, they came up with an ingenious solution of putting Jack in a wheelchair which was then remotely controlled by Ted. Ted cleverly disguising the fact that he was operating it by using false arms.

So my idea is we promote a here to unknown member of the coaching staff to take temporary charge of the team who is actually a robot who is remotely controlled by Pardew from the Life Science museum. Personally I cannot see a flaw.

In Father Ted it worked a treat until the imbecilic Father Dougal gave the game away in front of the referee after the game. So long as Steven Taylor isn’t in the match day squad we should get away with it.

Anybody else got any ideas?