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The Intercepted Conversation – Ashley, Pardew & Kinnear

8 years ago

First of all, what a great day on Saturday beating the Chelski boys!

Credit to the manager, the players and the fans for our best result for quite some time.  Superb!

After the game, I was trying to call home but I inadvertently dialled in to a telephone conference call between Mike Ashley, Alan Pardew and Joe Kinnear. It went something like this….

MA: What was the score today Pards? I missed it as I’ve been busy working on our communication and cost elimination strategies for the club.

AP: 2-0 boss!

MA: Never mind Pards, Chelsea are a great team.

AP: No boss, we won 2-0!!!!

MA: You’re having a laugh Pards.

AP: No boss, we WON, honestly!

MA: Does that mean we have to pay bonuses to the players? Not sure I’m happy about that.

AP: …but I told the media that the victory was for you boss, because you’re a big fan.

MA: Good lad, but the Geordies won’t like to hear I’m a Chelsea fan.

AP: No boss, I told them you were a Newcastle fan!

JK: Listen Pards, the boss is a Chelsea fan because Lambeezee told me.

AP: I thought he was a Spurs fan but who’s Lambeezee?

JK: Not important Pards, he’s not on my contact list of worldwide football network movers and shakers.

MA: lLsten Pards, I told you not to talk to the local media.

AP: I didn’t boss but I think some of them turned up to watch the game anyway.

MA: Did they pay to get in?

AP: I guess so boss.

MA: Lovverly jubberly. Suckers.

JK: Hey boss, are you a Chelsea fan, Spurs fan, or Newcastle fan?

MA: Yes, I guess so, now give me an update on your transfer activities.

JK: Well, I’m keeping all lines of communication open with my network of worldwide football contacts.

MA: OK good, have you received many calls since the Summer?

JK: None.

MA: Have you made any calls?

JK: Hone.

MA: So you’re telling me we have no irons in the fire for the transfer window in January.

JK: That’s right boss, you can keep your cheque book in your pocket.

MA: Perfect! But we need to sell a few in January to boost my coffers. I’m feeling the pinch you know. You need to get rid of the Geordies.

JK:  Which ones do you want me to tout around my network of worldwide football contacts?

MA: Any who have read the Chronicle, Journal, or Sunday Sun, or any who knew about the march against me. Or have been on that devious NUST website.

JK: That Steven Taylor is from Whitley Bay and I know some Bay lads were on the march.

MA: OK, get rid Joe, and Pards you need to stop all communication with Steven Taylor because he’s a traitor.

AP: Whatever you say boss, another great idea. What about the Ameobis?

MA:Are they Geordies?

JK: They don’t look like Geordies boss but they sound suspicious. Do you want me to get rid?

MA: If they have ever talked to the local press, get rid.

JK: How is the project of renaming the club progressing, boss?

MA: Well, I’ve been thinking about that Joe. Obviously we can’t use the word ‘United’ because we don’t want the local press or any fan representation at meetings.

JK: Good idea boss.

AP: Another great idea boss, I’m on board.

MA: …and obviously, we don’t want the word ‘Newcastle’ in the name because that suggests an affinity with the City and its people.

JK: Good idea boss.

AP: You’re on fire boss, I’m right behind you.

MA: Thanks lads, so I’m thinking of renaming the club Sports Direct City, what do you think?

JK: Good idea boss.

AP: You’re a genius boss, I’m on board.

MA: Thanks lads, good feedback as ever but that’s why I get paid the big bucks.

JK: …and what about the plan to relocate boss?

MA: Yes, that’s progressing well Joe, I’m conscious of how far it is for you & I to travel to Sports Direct Arena, so I’m relocating the club to Milton Keynes.

AP: Great idea boss, I’m on board.

JK: Hang on boss, I think someone has already done that. In fact I think it was my old club where I won Manager of the Year every season.

MA: Are you questioning me Kinnear?

JK: No boss, I’m in. And the concrete cows know more about football than the Geordies anyway.

MA: Any other business?

JK: No boss, unless you want me to manage the first team yet?

AP:  …but that’s my job, and I’ve just beaten Chelsea!

MA: Let me think about that lads. I want to do the right thing but I can’t afford to pay up the remaining 6 years of Pards’ contract. Money is tight. Who do we play next?

AP: Spurs at the Lane.

MA: Thank God for that, a home fixture.

JK: I won Player of the Year there every season. They love me there and no Geordies in sight.

AP: You guys really are the best! See you at the weekend.


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