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Joe Kinnear Lines Up Real Value For Money Signings….

8 years ago
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In an exclusive announcement on this website, I can reveal that supporters’ dismay at the lack of signings should worry no more.

I’ve been told by a bloke who knows about these sort of things that the alleged pursuit of Willian, erstwhile entertainer at a club in Russia, has been another hilarious Joe Pigsear misquote… We have apparently agreed to sign WILL.I.AM, erstwhile entertainer at other big clubs around the world!

Skinchies!

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The signing is twofold, one to show that Newcastle can indeed attract world class stars to the north east, the other is so that we can save money on the half time entertainment and DJ.

Good old Will has agreed to do a turn AND do the half time announcements in that hilarious voiceover that he does on The Voice. We’ll also be replacing alcohol with a Black Eyed Pea smoothie.

Word has also got out of the other exciting ‘trophy’ signings Joe has managed to attract. When that little tinker Joe said he had no interest in Douglas, it was because he was after a Douglas with a first name, none other than world famous actor MICHAEL DOUGLAS will be unveiled in the next few days.

Again, in an attempt to save money, I can reveal Michael will be asked to play Alan Pardew for the remainder of this season.

Rumours that he’ll be able to act like a premier league manager better than Pardew is being fervently discussed in Hollywood as we speak…there is also the added bonus that Ashley can get rid of Kathy the tea lady for 44 years at the club and replace her with KATHY ZETA JONES, hoping that a bit of eye candy in the press room will help boost his public profile in the papers.

In another unbelievable turn of events, Anton Ferdinand had been on the club’s radar, but daft Joe approached ANT AND DEC instead. His idea here was to save Ashley money on stewarding, reckoning that everybody loves the affable Geordies, so there would be no trouble in the ground with them in charge.

However, it would appear that Joe may have shot himself in the foot with all these big name signings, as it is believed that Ashley has taken on negotiating deals himself.

The word on the street is that Ashley has approached orange coloured, bargain hunting antiques man DAVID DICKINSON to replace poor old Joe as he thinks Dickinson can do everything cheap as chips…remember folks, you heard it here first!

This special issue of The Mag is a must have and along with special Silver Anniversary features we bring you the very best coverage of what is happening NOW at our great club.

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