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Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr.Ashley…?

9 years ago

I must admit, every day I love looking at The Mag’s ‘Newcastle United rubbish transfer news service’ and it makes me laugh.

Honestly, what a load of twaddle comes filtering through the papers about possible incomings and outgoings. This page just highlights the fact superbly well.

Are We Going Into Action…?

Don’t believe a word you read regarding possible incomings. In reality when it comes to NUFC – who really has a bloody clue what is going on in the inner sanctum of Mike and Del’s Ivory (and Ebony) tower?

I have images of a second world war tactical warfare planning room with miniature football figurines  being pushed across a large map of Europe by a cigar smoking, Churchill-esque Graham Carr. Operators in the background hurriedly making calls, intercepting agents and breaking codes.

No mentions of big Micky A. being the Fuhrer though! Even though he has been labelled ‘Ayatollah’  in the past by a certain ex-player of ours plying his trade “en France”.

Derek ‘Bomber’ Llambias is seen to be kitted and briefed prior to his top secret parachute mission behind enemy lines. This mission upon which he will nail all targets upon his list.

Where is the secret location of said mission you wonder? France, Holland, Belgium, the Congo? Who knows?

Like the bastard love child of Chuck Norris, Steven Segal and Charles Bronson, Del Boy takes no prisoners on his transfer target mission. Armed with transfer bid grenades that aren’t aimed to kill, but merely to cause a mild disturbance.

Bids in each hand that when presented to the enemy clubs, massively under-value the targets in question – but our guys are professionals and won’t back down. After all transfers are not about negotiation are they? (Detect sarcasm).

The resilient enemy refuse to give in to such demands and stand firm. Leaving wor Dekker empty handed and the targeted players slightly unsettled.

Are they unsettled enough to force a move themselves in the very same window, or possibly the next?

Either way, these days buying a player is not simple – I understand that. But what we need is players THIS window, no repeat of last year’s hard ball tactics resulting in players not being brought ‘over the line’.

If we play the same game this summer, I fear not only huge disappointment for the fans, but disillusion amid the current playing staff (leading to deserters) and ultimately a battle we will be destined to lose over the coming 9 months.

A battle guaranteeing ‘certain death’, at which point Mike and Dekker remain in the War-rooms whilst Captain ‘Hannibal’ Pardew and his beleaguered troops go over the top of the trench knowing they will be shot down.

I cannot and will not buy into the thoughts that we have a brilliant squad that underperformed and will be fine next year. Are we really going to take that gamble?

As we travel across enemy territory, there will be inevitable casualties (just like last year) – so safety must be achieved in numbers.

The situation has left many fans shellshocked from last season, and due to my own PTSD from the horrors witnessed first hand last season – is probably why I am scribbling such bizarre analogies.

But at the base of this admittedly odd article, is the deep down fear of what is happening (OR NOT) behind the scenes.

Hopefully, come deadline day everything will be tickety-boo and we will start the season full of optimism and all return home triumphant in time for jelly and ice cream…

To be continued.


Jamie also has his own blog which you can visit here or follow him on twitter @JamieSwan1, or buy the new Summer Special issue of The Mag in which Jamie is a columnist (magazine content separate/different to the website)
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