Exclusive: Joe Kinnear’s Diary Revelations
Revelations this morning as a spy has managed to gain access to Joe Kinnear’s diary and following his successful (well no doubt he’ll be pleased with it, if he can remember which particular lies and truths he told on this occasion) interview on Talksport last night, we can reveal our new Director of Football’s schedule today.
Before Breakfast – Swim the channel there and back (with 25 Olympic Swimming Gold medals it will be a doddle).
8-9am – While eating his Cocopops, Joe will be polishing his three manager of the year awards. If time allows, he will also get the brasso out on his four Victoria Crosses, six World Cup winning medals and Nobel peace prize.
9-10am – Conference call with Barack Obama to get Joe’s take on how to solve the Syrian crisis and end poverty in the World.
10-11am – In a coach the coaches session, Joe will have Arsene (Wenger), Guus (Hiddink), Jose (Mourinho), Jupp (Heynckes), and Manuel (Pellegrini) out on the training pitch to pass on his invaluable knowledge.
11-12noon – Meeting close friend the Crown Prince of Zanzibar for a cup of tea.
12noon-2pm – Lunch with Adam Pardew, Alan Carr and Derek Lembeze to discuss how best to use the talents of Yohan Kebabs, Shola Amamobe and Hat On Ben Afra.
2-3pm – Conference calls arranged with the Presidents of Barcelona and Real Madrid, just on the off chance the Newcastle job proves to be a hallucination.
3-4pm – Calling in for daily visit to Buckingham Palace to walk in the grounds with the Queen (they grew up together in Honolulu) and her corgis.
4-6pm – Having a get together with some of the players he signed for Newcastle the first time around; Pele, Stanley Matthews, Fatty Foulkes, David Beckham and John Cruyff have all confirmed, but Diego Maradona and Bobby Charlton may have to miss this one.
6-8pm – Catch up with girlfriend Beyonce, Joe’s busy schedule of interviews talking rubbish means she must be ready to meet up whenever he gets a window in his diary.
8-11pm – The Queen of Prussia has invited Joe, Michael Jackson, Napoleon and Shergar around for supper in the first episode of a celebrity ‘Come Dine With Me’.
11-12midnight – Updating this diary wot he wrote.
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