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Can Newcastle United Rise From The Rubble Of Civil War?

7 years ago

I have sat back for a week digesting all devastation left in the trail of the most recent of debacles at Newcastle. I have not been able to put into words anything short of expletives and blood spatters. Hopefully this makes some sense of what is the unfathomable.

Can Newcastle United rise from the rubble of civil war?

Ahh Mr.Kinnear, I’ve Been Expecting You

A war started by Mike Ashley – the super villain of all villains and his evil henchman Jaws (F) Kinnear.

Like Blofeld, Dr Evil or Scaramanga – Mike Ashley has made some ruthless and indeed crazy decisions. Admittedly not about world domination (the irony) but rather the well being of our club.

We have already seen Nic Nac (Dennis Wise) have a crack at DoF – a fail of the most epic proportions. Humiliating, undermining and ultimately ousting one of the biggest (personally my favourite) Gallowgate heroes of all time – Kevin Keegan.

Not long then before the big man himself humiliated Alan Shearer, then Chris Hughton, followed by Alan Pardew – not to mention the fans suffering the embarrassment of relegation under his turbulent tenure.

Next in line was turning SJP into a giant advert for socks made in sweat shops. An advert painted to the Gallowgate roof which became only the second manmade structure to be visible from outer space, alongside the great Wall of China.

An act which removed a proud old name of our fantastic club, but not its soul.

The shirt sponsorship came next as we settled on the money from Mr Willy Wonga! He offered the loot, he took the deal. We should count ourselves lucky that Al Qaeda, or Satan himself, didn’t come along with an extra fiver!

Does Mike Ashley have a drinking problem? That can be the only reason I can find to explain his rampant craziness of the last few years. That’s it, he must be pie-eyed.

Now apart from changing the strip to red and white stripes, erecting a bronze statue of himself on top of Grey’s monument flicking a victory salute, or firing a laser from his secret volcano base destroying the Tyne Bridge whilst the Great North Run is being ran live on the BBC, I really don’t know what else he can do to cause more upset in these parts?

Is this what stability is? Aaaagh right…

However, after all the crap that has happened – he is still here. If he has survived all of the above and not got so sick of the grief coming his way (wherever his way is!) and abandoned ship – then he never will. The guy must have skin thicker than a morbidly obese rhinoceros. No doubt he could survive a nuclear blast without waking from his cosy sleep.

Unless some super rich Oligarch or Sheik (ya money) comes in – we are stuck with him.

Meetings have been held and flak has flown. Reports will make their way back to Lord Ashley and no doubt they will be filed under ‘B’ for ‘Bin’.

The only thing that can happen now that can drag everybody together is for the club to sign some players. Players that are going to excite and help Newcastle win football matches.

I am not saying we should sit back and think of Queen and country whilst we get shafted but truly short-term what can be done to shift him? Short of fans swinging through the windows like the SAS at the Iranian Embassy, I’m not sure any demonstrations, meetings or discussions will stir the beast.

I totally understand people wanting Ashley out. This is the side of the fence I lie on.

I also understand people wanting it to blow over, leave him alone – to save the uncertainty and trauma threatening to doom our season before it starts. Nobody likes negative press, or NUFC being dragged through the mud.

These gaffes though are not of the supporters’ making. These gaffes are down to the owner of our club. His decisions are dragging us unwillingly through the mire.

The ideal scenario would be that Mike Ashley loved Newcastle (or even remotely gave a toss), was determined to make the club the best it possibly could be and reach its full potential, to make decisions that the fans understood were to be progressive, for everybody to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not NUFC. Certainly not the current Newcastle discombobulated we know.

We know from recent memory under KK, just what the potential of this club is. You can’t live in the past – granted, but you cannot help compare – it is a natural yardstick.  We are falling well below the expected grade.

The problem is, we are stuck. That’s it in one massive and frustrating nutshell.

We should be sponsored by Superglue because old Ash is going nowhere. Change the name of the stadium to the ‘Groundhog Day Arena’.

It will be the same every season under him – unless he has a huge change of heart.

Keep smiling.


Jamie also has his own blog which you can visit here or follow him on twitter @JamieSwan1

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