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The Strange Case Of Yoan Gouffran Investigated

9 years ago

When Sylvain Marveaux joined the action against Arsenal he was clapped onto the pitch, however when the fourth official had lifted up the numbers board there had been the usual collective groan from the crowd.

The record of Yoan Gouffran now reads fourteen starts in a Newcastle shirt and in thirteen of them he has been dragged off by the manager. Gouffran also made one appearance as a substitute himself, during the Liverpool fiasco, but just about managed to stay on the pitch for the 45 minutes after he came on at half-time.

All very bizarre because it isn’t as though he’s like Shola who at times looks as though he’s shuffling along to collect his pension at the post office rather than a young man playing professional football. Gouffran works his socks off and when played in a more central role has suggested he could link up well with Papiss Cisse – especially compared to the other options we’ve had since Ba walked away.

Add to this the three goals Gouffran has contributed since his arrival, which makes him look almost prolific considering our lack of goal threat overall. The French striker has actually only played 1058 minutes for United and so really his record equates to 3 goals in around 11 matches in terms of time on the pitch, plus for most of that time he’s been played in a withdrawn role on the left.

Clearly something is amiss rather than simple mismanagement, so we’ve put our top investigative team on the case and they have already unearthed the following leads to explain the Gouffran substitution mystery…

The numbers sign the fourth official holds up has allegedly a fault and automatically puts up the number 11 no matter what buttons you press.

Gouffran’s mam doesn’t like to think of him being taken advantage of by the Geordie womenfolk so insists he’s back home by the final whistle.

There is apparently a scandal due to break, as it has been discovered that for years in the French league they have only been playing half an hour each way.

Shola has warned Alan Pardew that Gouffran has been running around too much and thinks the French striker must do himself a mischief if he’s allowed to stay on.

We should be told…



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