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Exclusive – Newcastle’s New Secret Plan For Corners

9 years ago

After eighteen months and 330 (three hundred and thirty!!) corners without a Premier League goal, since Ba scored at Wolves in October 2011, we can reveal that Alan Pardew and his team have secretly been working on new strategies at corner kicks.

The manager laid a careful smokescreen this week when he blamed the lack of goals from corners on having only two big players that other teams marked out of corner kicks, unbelievably the media fell for this clearly daft excuse that Alan Pardew cunningly came up with.

(To feature like Jim, send in your letters/articles for the magazine/website to [email protected] – write about anything NUFC related – past, present or future)

The coaching team have worked on three different types of corners and after discarding one, they are going with the two new ideas – starting with the Liverpool match.

The first plan to be agreed is for the corner taker to belt the ball as hard as possible towards the back of the Leazes/Gallowgate and everybody to run back towards Elliot’s goal in case of the opposition counter-attacking.

Secondly, the other alternative agreed on is for the player to turn their shirts back to front so when the ball is played in, the opposition think the players are running back towards their own goal (See Plan One) and don’t bother marking anybody.

The third idea that was dismissed as a waste of time and outdated, was the idea used by many other clueless clubs such as Manchester United, Chelsea and Manchester City, where on the right hand side you use a left footed player to whip a ball in as hard as possible to the middle of the goal and your players run in and try to head it into the net, then similar from the left but with a right footed player. Have you ever heard of anything so daft…

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