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Nile Ranger’s NUFC Fines Structure Leaked

8 years ago
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So the details of the fine structure for players at Arsenal have been leaked, a friend of the club doctor sneakily taking a photo when visiting their training ground.

Sounds like a pretty good idea to me and one that I’d be interested to know of existing at St James’ Park.

I can think of a certain young man (which is an insult to real men) who would quite frankly be so skint as a result that we wouldn’t have to pay for our season tickets.  We could just claim a refund with finance coming from the pot of fines he would surely top up on a daily basis.

The following list of Arsenal offences (from the Mail’s website) and fines are in bold, followed by how it relates to our own (unfortunately) Nile Ranger and then how it would benefit us lot.

Non attendance of unused players at Home matches without permission of manager (£1000)

Failure to be good enough to be considered a striker when we desperately needed one against Reading (Equates to 38 free season tickets paid for over the course of a season).

Late for training (15mins £250, 30mins £500)

Jesus, he must owe an absolute fortune (Supporters in the Strawberry Corner get the safe standing rail system installed free/gratis, thanks Nile).

Late for treatment/massage (15mins £250, 30mins £500)

Treatment for delusional beliefs as you need to be at training or be picked for the team to have a physical injury or stiff muscles (Nile funds a free programme on every season ticket holder’s seat for the rest of the season).

Late for travel (£500)

Unfortunately we are so desperate for bodies on the bench the team coach waits, although since he won’t get a game it seems a pointless exercise (Nile is able to fund a new minibus for the Under 18 team, he even gets to drive them to matches as he has nothing better to be doing).

Late for match day meetings / meals (£250)

He doesn’t understand tactics and prefers curry and chips, anyway he’ll call in to the take-away on the way home (Free Bovril for all senior citizens at every home game).

Wrong kit on match days (£100)

Nile owes a small fortune as he keeps turning up in black and white where he’s not wanted (Nile makes a donation of his used clothes to the homeless but they decline, stating they don’t dig his style).

Inappropriate clothing outside of the dressing room (£100)

Again seen wearing the famous black and white stripes where he’s not welcome (Nile works for free in the club shop 2 days a week putting all Mike Ashley’s tat on display – this in anticipation of his future career).

Outdoor shoes in the dressing room (£100)

He’s been told not to wear his boots as he won’t get a game with his attitude (Nile donates his collection of boots to the Northern League strikers who actually have a use for them).

Newspapers, laptops and phones in the medical room (£100)

Nile manages to avoid this one as he can’t be arsed to turn up anyway (The medical team can concentrate on getting Ben Arfa and Cabaye fit rather than waste their time).

Non-production of urine sample for two consecutive weeks (£200)

Nile actually complies as he’s been taking the p*** for years  (He gets to clean the bogs at half-time so he can mingle with his adoring public).

Phone calls in the building (texting allowed) (£500)

Nile is banned from texting too, due to inappropriate comments he posts on Twitter – I’m sure you know the sort I’m talking about (Free half time pie and pint for life for everyone who has been offended by Mr Ranger’s comments).

This is a man (biologically speaking only) who has been incarcerated for street robbery, convicted of being drunk and disorderly, charged with assault, breached his bail conditions and made homophobic comments on social media.  Jackie Milburn must be wondering how on earth this scumbag was awarded a trophy in his name.

In a perverse kind of way I hope Nile gets the chance to turn out for us at St James’ again if only to let him know what an unrelenting parasite he is.  Maybe then he’ll be wishing we were just booing him instead.

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