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Will Heaven Be Like Swansea?

8 years ago
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When Tubbs turned to Edward in The League of Gentlemen and said, “Edward there is a Swansea”, what (s)he presumably meant is that there are other places in the world as limited, uninspiring and depressing as Royston Vasey and one of them is called Swansea. While that is probably still true about Swansea in an everyday kind of way, in football terms, they are one of the Premier League’s most cosmopolitan clubs.

The Jacks’ last 4 managers have been from Denmark, Ireland, Spain and Portugal and their first team today will probably have more Spaniards and Dutchmen than Welshmen. So today we welcome the Swansea City, European Union of Wales, to St James Park.

Who Manages Them:   

Michael Laudrup, though I still wonder what he’s doing there. When Liverpool insanely turned to Brendan Rodgers to reinvigorate their deadbeat team, Swansea wanted someone as manager who could continue their European style of football.

Chairman Huw Jenkins asked, “Got any of that special stuff”, and ex-Brondby, Getafe, Spartak Moscow and Mallorca boss Laudrup, sick of sitting at home watching Trisha said, “You’re mine now.” Laudrup is a good Manager who knows what he is doing, which is no surprise as he was a good player who knew what he was doing at Juve, Lazio, Barca, Real Madrid and Ajax amongst others, “the best player I ever played against”, according to Luis Figo. In his private life he was one of the founders of CEPOS, a Danish classical liberal/free-market conservative think-tank, so he should have no problems sitting around after a game discussing political thought with Tony ‘bed goes up, bed goes down’ Pulis and Sam ‘Have you got any with Marzipan on’ Allardyce.

Who Have We Seen Before:

Wayne Routledge used to play for us. He was fast, so fast I hardly even saw him play. Much like Franz Carr before him and Gabby Obertan now, we were forced to watch a player where speed has been mistaken for skill. One minute Wayne had the ball on the wing, the next minute it was a goal kick. He’ll probably play today but Neil Taylor won’t.

Taylor was a player we tried to sign all summer in 2011 as he had a clause in his contract which said that any team could buy him really cheap, which is the sort of clause we like. Just like Debuchy this summer, our skinflint mentality didn’t pay off and Taylor signed a new contract with the Swans just before he fractured his ankle against the Makems in September. Swansea City, “you’ll never leave.”

A Special Mention For:

Michu, Pablo Hernandez, Rangel and Chico Flores. The Swans Spanish amigos celebrated a recent goal over Wigan by getting three t-shirts out with the word ‘Espana’ spread across them. Unfortunately, as it took them 15 minutes to get the t-shirts out, by the time you could read what was on them Wigan had scored 4 goals against the seven remaining Wigan players and Espana had gone bust and become a giant German holiday camp.

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How Will They Do This Season:

They’ll play some decent football under Laudrup and should have enough quality and organisation to stay well clear of the relegation places. In general the Swans will entertain but the way people bang on about the way they play, you’d think they were Barcelona rather than some average Premier League team. Their most obvious flaw is their inconsistency, as many ex-Radio 1 DJ’s and 1970’s TV presenters are currently finding out, they may be able to dish out the occasional spanking but they’ll pay for it somewhere along the line.

Are We Going To Win:

We have to. Swansea will be good on the ball and in possession,  should look more Zeta-Jones than Tom Jones but since their opening day thrashing of QPR at Loftus Road, they have only scored one league goal away from home and only got one point, at bottom feeders Southampton.

Tubbs also said, “Will heaven be like Swansea?”. What, pointless?

Best Odds For Swansea Match; Newcastle leading at H-T and F-T 21/10Ba To Score First Goal 19/4 – NUFC To Win 3-0 20/1

Sign up to BetVictor and get a £25 free matched bet 

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