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Parallel Universe

10 years ago

One of my match day mates (Professor Sutherland please take a bow) has a theory about all things NUFC shaped. M’learned friend calls it ‘reverse logic’. I think it’s self – explanatory. Where NUFC are concerned expect the completely unfathomably unexpected. Not everything in black and white makes sense but perhaps it’s not meant to.

At risk of hexing the whole damn shooting match as we prepare to face Chelsea, this season is gearing up to being way better than we’d dare hope. This hasn’t happened since last season, which was itself the first anniversary of a much longer stay in happy town than we thought we’d booked.

Our worst alignment of planets reached its nadir at Villa Park in 2009, going down without a whimper. Except there was much worse than whimpering from the terraces and fan forums which were (mainly) convinced the only debate about the then future was ‘how bleak’ and just how heated the poker would be as footballing fate asked us to bend over and brace ourselves.

Our name though is Newcastle United and we come from an arse about front parallel universe where the bleedin’ obvious is indecipherable and the smooth road an insurmountable obstacle. The impossible, however, we tend to perform blindfold on a unicycle, such as strolling to the Championship title (and it was a stroll) with a novice manager.

First season back in the premiership, I think as people are fond of saying, we would have taken a vengeful humping of Aston Villa and a mashing of mackem shaped pumpkins on Halloween. Shame we couldn’t have popped in five and got Bramble sent off – oh hold on we did……….

The summer of 2011 though is where our luck had to run out – there was too much ‘sure thing’ in the transfer departure lounge (Joey, Jose and St Kevin of Nolan – he might be a Hammer now but that was the happiest Halloween I’ve ever known).

There were too many UFO’s (Unidentified French Objects) in arrivals. Throw in ‘Puppet Pardew’ (never my words) struggling for acceptance, a large chunk of the ‘Andy Carroll money’ remaining unspent and there could only be one outcome.

Naturally (if we’re doing reverse logic) that was a long unbeaten start, NUFC having the best defence in the whole country (no matter how many times you read that one…..) and team and fans bonding like never before. Or at least since this time last year. Of course we are still Newcastle United and we can conjure up crisis, or at least a drama out of thin air (such as the self-inflicted rebranding of SJP)

In short comrades if you can predict the rest of the season at SJP then why are you wasting your time on the web when you should be out bankrupting a bookie. To add to the mix we have January transfer window related fun to look forward to. Please don’t let Tiote and Coloccini fall through it.

Forget Neutrinos and Hadron Collider experiments, the quickest travelling phenomenon in the universe is the self – inflicted NUFC crisis. At any fixed point in time you can’t see it coming but there is always one near – and it doesn’t take an Einstein to work that one out.


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