Here are my alternate team of entertainers. Entertained at her majesty’s pleasure, that is.
To qualify for the team, my criteria was simple. They needed to have Court appearances with or without a custodial sentence on their CV.
Excessive drinking, common assault, gun offences or simply being mad as a hatter was a welcome bonus.
Keeper – John Burridge
He had a reputation for being as eccentric as Keith Moon, which led to him being fined 16 grand for handling counterfeit goods and spending 5 months in the Priory.
Defence – Woodgate & Bramble
Involved in a fracas in a Leeds nightclub with Lee Bowyer, for which he was convicted of affray and sentenced to community service.
To be fair to Titus, he didn’t get into that much bother while playing for Newcastle although there are many who would say that if impersonating a premiership footballer was a criminal offence, Bramble would be serving 20 years to life.
Midfield – Barton, Gazza, Bowyer, Dyer and Bellamy
Captain of this bunch just has to be Joey Barton because when it comes to a criminal record, he is the daddy. Where do you start with Joey? Strangeways I suppose.
Paul Gascoigne! Whether it is the drinking with Colonel Gadaffi’s lads, taking lager up to Rothbury for Raul Moat, or numerous drink driving incidents, the list involving Paul is endless.
Lee Bowyer – A man who should have achieved more than he has. Obviously he is most famous for his spat with Kieron (I respect and admire Sir Bobby) Dyer.
Making up the midfield is the Bono of the football world, Craig Bellamy. Not so much because he has set up an academy in Africa to help the kids, more because he is a self-righteous prat who you want to see spontaneously combust .
Up front – Tino, Quinn and Carroll
Tino had all the attributes of Laurent Robert and David Ginola but he also had the additional off-field skills of knowing how to use a semi-automatic weapon. Trouble is, firing it at the Columbian security forces probably wasn’t his best idea.
Despite being even fatter than Russell Grant, Mick Quinn was a fine servant of this club.. Famous for liking the good things in life, Mick was convicted of drink driving in 1986 and fined £100. He didn’t learn from this though and was caught again soon after, which led to a 3 week jail sentence.
Andy Carroll may just be a bairn but his CV gets him in this team no bother. *Amazing fact, only 7 players on planet earth have ever cost more than Mr Carroll!
Not quite on the same scale as Keegan’s entertainers, but I’m sure they would have drunk them under the table in Julies.